Hiya deezee. been reading your thread since you started posting. I've been here a year but don't post too much. I have much harsher advice to give and some thoughts that arent always DB friendly and I really know the pain this crap causes and don't want to give out a thought that might cause more pain, but sometimes I feel I need too.
The double life thing that was mentioned. the reason so many spouses do this is simply because they can. you're not stopping her, she still can come home and play mommy then go to fantasy land when the need arises. In my sitch, I wouldnt tolerate it after I found out. I did some very unDB things, I approched this like I would any other threat to my family. I did a confrontation with OM, the fear of God in his pathetic little head sure ruined his desire to continue (very unDB) but it worked. I found that letting her get that single feeling in real time was very important, they can't miss the money, the house, cars, the security of marriage , respect from being a faithful wife and a good mother if it is still available when they want.
GAWD it hurt to do it, but I had to. you want to be single? great, you'll have to live on your income. (she left the kids with me). you don't want people knowing you're screwing around? then don't do it! if someone asked what happened, I'd tell em the truth. it killed her to know that people were in on her lil secret but the fact was she was screwing around and to put it bluntly, thats what whores do. respect is earned.
my militant atitude let us get through the BS of the affair and get down to either ending it or seeking solutions for our problems. I know I wasnt ward cleaver, but I knew as long as she had OM, nothing would change. I in no way want to knock the DB method. I just think its too easy leave a door open (OM) and after time it almost becomes acceptible to many posters of this board. that breaks my heart, because I know the pain they/we are in.
In my opinion, the longer they are allowed to lead a double like, the chances of them coming back are less likely, because with time, people get used to things, the shock dies.
My wife and I are on a long road to recovery. but I tell ya, it's getting better and better. I still suffer from dreams and flashbacks, as is normal for us who have gone through tramatic experiences. I laid out room for forgivness and she took it. I work hard on understanding me, her and us, if that makes sense. I dont feel the need to "Punish" her, she is doing enough of that. she is working on herself and what led her to do what she did, I'm working on myself and trying to make myself more marriage friendly. ( more time with her) I always lived at work and that just doesnt work anymore.
obviously there is more to the story but this fits this topic pretty well.
hope I didn't offend. good luck deezee, I'm pullin for ya
