Most likely you thought you were meeting her needs, but in reality not. We can all be more sympathetic, friendly, fun, and interesting. We also can learn to address areas of conflict in a straightforward manner with no passive-aggressive behavior. It actually is the handling of difficult topics in an open, honest no-agenda manner with the goal of resolution not winning that eventually leads to increased intimacy and healing of the relationship. Once she feels safe with you and feels heard, then the anger with dissolve.
I would advise a few sessions with a good councelor to learn how to mirror a person. Very interesting...showed me an entire new way how to communicate with anyone....wife, son, parent.....and so effective.
Update: Talked to W last night, and really listened to her replies. Asked her to finish a couple conversations that she left dangling this week - one, she said she almost took me up on my offer of a vacation on the beach alone - but explained she wouldn't because she would just return to the same situation, decisions, stresses, etc. Also asked what she meant about our our marriage not being so bad, and she cited vacations, time together,etc. and said that she thought it a big mistake to not have gotten a babysitter for S5 long ago. On the negative side, she said she's much happier and anxiety free than she was prior to the bomb, and is secure that OM would "never hurt her". She was a bit impatient with the discussion, and pretty apathetic - I think she talked to me for my benefit, but would rather not have. I asked her to tell me those things as a way of understanding what went wrong - part of my C's advice. Nothing annoying or angry occurred, but it didn't lead to anything either - I should wait for her to initiate, probably. Any thoughts? The whole thing was less than 5 minutes.
Well, as they say, been there, done that. Attraction is a funny thing. Want what we can't have and the grass is always greener. Loved the line about "he'll never hurt me" referring to the OM. Those are the words spoken most likely in the middle of romantic love where the SO can do no wrong and you can do no right.
Right now it is all about her and she justifies it because she was "ignored" for so long. It just sounds like her interests are elsewhere.
You can chose to hang in there for family, history, etc., but while she is "elsewhere", but make sure you take care of yourself. What I mean by that is find yourself a safe place away from the confusion....your own place if you can. Go on some dates...just doing that helped me realize that I was not such a bad person and deserved to be treated well. Your wife will not be right for a really long time. If she loves her OM, then if she decides to leave him, there will be a long period of depression because of the loss as she hopefully will decide to come back to you....to the place that at one time was full of pain and neglect....but that all can be overcome....but it will take more time and work than you ever thought possible. But, provided that you are the new amazing spouse, one day, things will be better. They will be totally different as you can never be the way you were again because if you are, then you will trigger all her negative feelings about you and the marriage.
But one day, you will feel the ship change directions. It will be very subtle at first as she tests the waters. Play along, be a friend. In the back of her mind she probably wants it to work for the same reasons you do, but it just won't be on your schedule. She will test you and frustrate you....be kind, gentle, supportive, yet unavailable at times. Don't always answer your cell phone. Be busy sometimes. Let her miss you a little, but just a little.
I have spoken enough for now. Your plight was mine...it started in 2002 and is finally ending but will still have a ways to go with a totally new relationship.
Another conversation yesterday - interesting twists. My son and I were "camping" in the back yard, and she came over and spent some time with us at the fire. She was walking around the property, kind of wistfully looking at things, and talked about how I would continue on with some building plans we had together. Back in the house, she and I talked a little more about past issues, and present. She told me that where I neglected her, the OM is clingy and "smothers" her - but of course, said that he apoligized and backed off when she lost her cool about it. She's a pretty solitary person when working through things, and he and three 4-6 yr old boys in the house aren't going to be comfortable for her. I tried to draw out where she was going with the complaints, but she wasn't saying more. She really seems to want to be alone, but feels like this OM is her way out - not that she doesn't have feelings for him, it's just that her expectations aren't as "sky-high" as some here would think. The other part of the conversation was her volunteering what a big part she's had in our problems - her own depression, irritability, and cruel comments that angered me, pushed me away, and contributed to my depression issues.
She noted several times that she's not the same person she was - I told her that was great, I'm not either, and that is why I see hope for our future - we COULDN'T stay the same and survive. I can tell you, though, that her changes aren't all positive - she's still not recognizing her impact on others - in a way, she's become more selfish, not less, but I think that's part of learning to be independent - not as easily hurt by minor things. A kind of strength, really. Strange conversation - she didn't want to have it - I believe it makes her falter in her resolve to vacate the marriage, house, etc., just as seeing my son and I together does. On the other hand, she always talks to me before she "wakes up" and ends the thing - like she wants to, but thinks it's a bad idea. Oh well - another day, another challenge. Thanks for your help, NC - I can see some really good advice and a lot of strength from you. Good luck with your own relationship!
Would it be possible to say that she has her cake and is eating it too....living a double life, one with you, one with her OM? That is probably why she seems out of it. She probably truly doesn't know what to do and that is why the conversations go nowhere. You want them to go somewhere and she wants things to stay exactly like they are for now. You just need to decide what you want. Are you willing to wait for her fog to clear? If so, it will be on her schedule, not yours...that I promise. In the meantime, please enjoy yourself....make sure you go out with a few other women...I promise your wife won't care and it will take the pressure off of her. Wish I had more to add.
You're right about the double life - she is frustrated with it, but it continues. I'm seeing a lawyer this thursday to start separation agreement stuff, and I'm open to, but not pursuing, dating. The point? I'm living MY life, but not excluding her from it. At least not yet. To say that I'm waiting on her wouldn't be accurate, but I'm not kicking her away, either. We'll see. As much as I hate what's happening, I'm OK and I'm not going to be able to control her even if I try - so I'm not trying. Our conversations are as much for her benefit as mine, or "ours".
Hiya deezee. been reading your thread since you started posting. I've been here a year but don't post too much. I have much harsher advice to give and some thoughts that arent always DB friendly and I really know the pain this crap causes and don't want to give out a thought that might cause more pain, but sometimes I feel I need too.
The double life thing that was mentioned. the reason so many spouses do this is simply because they can. you're not stopping her, she still can come home and play mommy then go to fantasy land when the need arises. In my sitch, I wouldnt tolerate it after I found out. I did some very unDB things, I approched this like I would any other threat to my family. I did a confrontation with OM, the fear of God in his pathetic little head sure ruined his desire to continue (very unDB) but it worked. I found that letting her get that single feeling in real time was very important, they can't miss the money, the house, cars, the security of marriage , respect from being a faithful wife and a good mother if it is still available when they want.
GAWD it hurt to do it, but I had to. you want to be single? great, you'll have to live on your income. (she left the kids with me). you don't want people knowing you're screwing around? then don't do it! if someone asked what happened, I'd tell em the truth. it killed her to know that people were in on her lil secret but the fact was she was screwing around and to put it bluntly, thats what whores do. respect is earned.
my militant atitude let us get through the BS of the affair and get down to either ending it or seeking solutions for our problems. I know I wasnt ward cleaver, but I knew as long as she had OM, nothing would change. I in no way want to knock the DB method. I just think its too easy leave a door open (OM) and after time it almost becomes acceptible to many posters of this board. that breaks my heart, because I know the pain they/we are in.
In my opinion, the longer they are allowed to lead a double like, the chances of them coming back are less likely, because with time, people get used to things, the shock dies.
My wife and I are on a long road to recovery. but I tell ya, it's getting better and better. I still suffer from dreams and flashbacks, as is normal for us who have gone through tramatic experiences. I laid out room for forgivness and she took it. I work hard on understanding me, her and us, if that makes sense. I dont feel the need to "Punish" her, she is doing enough of that. she is working on herself and what led her to do what she did, I'm working on myself and trying to make myself more marriage friendly. ( more time with her) I always lived at work and that just doesnt work anymore.
obviously there is more to the story but this fits this topic pretty well.
hope I didn't offend. good luck deezee, I'm pullin for ya
