I have sort of been through the same scenario. I haven't read all the posts, but I think I have a feel for your situation.
Years of neglect will eventually drive a woman crazy for attention. The problem is that you may not have even known you were neglecting her and she didn't know how to tell you. The road back home may take several years. The only thing that worked for me was: 1. leave home, but make sure it is with her consent so that she cannot say you abandoned her. 2. Find a nice place so you can have some piece and quiet. 3. Call her when you feel like it-no relationship talk, it will just make her mad that you want to do this now....why not back then she will wonder. 4. Consider formal separation so that she will experience the reality of potential divorce. 5. Consider starting the divorce process- it can always be stopped. but understand once the lawyers get involved it will get messy and nasty and could kill any chance for reconciliation.
Find the best marriage counceler money can buy. Go on your own. Encourage her to go on her own. There is so much going on besides what you see. I am ocd and wife is histrionic....actually fun to see how these personality traits totally affect your ability to interact, solve problems.
If you continue to live with her, the mad dance will continue. Remove yourself from the environment, go to counseling, learn about yourself and how you affect those in your world.
It will take two to three times longer than you think to repair the relationship. You will be under the microscope until she is convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can be there for her forever.....this will really take some time.
Worst thing that I did was stay in our house after family left...all the ghosts paralyzed my thought processes. Best thing I did was get my own place, met one woman on match.com who I really bonded with and then met another woman who had been through a mess and had a great time with her....didn't really heal until I was able to bond with another human, but wasn't a good partner until great counseling exposed the way I poisoned intimate relationships.
My wife and I are actually getting ready to once more live together and everyone seems very comfortable with the future but now knowing a better way.
