Deezee, since she forced you into the talk, it's likely she had already made up her mind to leave. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Quote: she's now planning to leave as soon as we can get a lawyer started!!!!!!!!
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Next question - do I drag my feet getting to a lawyer (my current thought) forcing her to take action, or do I get it done fast to show detachment/GAL efforts now that the "cat's out of the bag" again on my feelings......
I don't understand how getting a lawyer has anything to do with when she leaves. She can leave anytime she wants; she doesn't need a lawyer's permission.
Also, I'm confused by the "we" and "get a lawyer". The two of you will have different lawyers. A lawyer can only work for one client at a time, and the two of you will have competing interests.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
She urged me to get a lawyer so she can be served, then repond with her own attorney w/in 30 days - a NY thing, I guess. I think she's hinging her departure on the lawyer crap because she has zero income without me, and wants a child support check so she isn't moving in to the Turd's house penniless. It apparently is OK for me to pay the bills for years, but she can't expect that from Turd boy - it's "not fair to him" WTF? I think that check will be fairly big, and I think she figured out (finally) that alimony doesn't come your way easily when you leave your H and move in to someone else's house - and if that's not true, I'm not saying so.....
Maybe I'm being a little harsh - she's shown a high degree of concern that I keep our house for my son's benefit, but maybe a little for her own as well (?). Like it's comforting to know it - and I - will be here. I had started to change her mind about that and blew it yesterday. Oh well- -past is past. I spoke to her this afternoon about dividing our assets, the dollar value of child support, etc. and she was getting a bit agitated - like she was being pushed or annoyed or something. Just goes to show how close to her heart things still are, I think. She spoke constantly in the big R talk about how sad she was, how she was giving up her dreams, accepting less than she thought she'd have and deserved, etc. But also said that she would never have those things with me, either, so why not be with someone who treats her better, where things weren't so difficult - the truth is, she may be right. I was NOT the great husband I could and should have been. I did all the usual stuff - neglected her in many little ways, thought of myself too often, and her too little, let some low-grade depression get the better of me and our marriage, and just generally created a huge amount of baggage to get over. I read in the the "It's (Mostly) Your Fault..." book that you need to surrender to your W/H, and let yourself be happy for what you've done or become, not what you've gotten or won from your spouse. That paragraph really resonated with me - I can see very clearly that neither of us really did that for the other. Too little, too late....as the WAW description says.
I wonder how many of these situations really end in success?
My heart goes out to you deezee. I basically got the same story from my WAW last month when she left. She had been unhappy for the last three years, she had no feelings for me anymore and needed to get her head on straight. While she was telling me this, she had already been involved with the OM for about a month. I have not had any communication with her for the past four weeks.
I agree with you, it is almost impossible for the LBS to compete with the new fantasy relationship that is unencumbered by reality and baggage - at least initially. I am not sure what to do right now, so I am focusing on me and doing absolutely nothing related to her.
I am still early in the game, so I have a little more optimism than you may have. However, my gut feeling is that we are over. However, I am not planning on initiating any action for now. I will see how I feel in a few weeks or months unless she decides to file for D or has some change of heart.
This all TOTALLY sucks!! I too would be interested to know how many of these situations are really resolved in a successful manner. Again, I am so sorry to here about the latest happenings in your sitch.
It seems like you've been doing a whole lot of things to try and affect her. Forgive me if that's a bad impression but it's the one I get from reading your posts.
You can't stop her from leaving. You can't control her and you have to accept that. All your R talks seem to be of the variety of "if she just understood/heard/believed THIS, then she would not be leaving." I understand the urge to think that way but you have to resist it with all your being. She is NOT crazy, nor WRONG as far as she's concerned so you telling you all the things you've done to "fix" this or that and improve the situation just reinforce to her that you think something needs fixing. She doesn't want to fix anything. She just wants her space and her new, unencumbered life. Understand that and then realize that while you cannot directly control the sitch, you CAN get yourself in a better position to succeed if/when things begin to crack in "wonderland".
You just need to "do" all those things you told her about and stop telling her about them. They're not for her, and they're none of her business. If she wants to ask you about something, then let her. If she doesn't, then fine, but KNOW that she notices and let that be all the comfort you seek in this.
IT DOES SUCK but only as much as you let it. Smile once today and realize that not everything is mired down in this mess. You DO have good things in your life and I urge you to celebrate THOSE things and work to make them even better in the absence of your marriage.
I agree with GH about celebrating the things that are going good in our lives. At his point, I will take anything that is going well. Other than my M and WAW situation, my life is going very well which is what is keeping me going throughout the personal devastation I am experiencing.
Regardless of what we do, it is just a very tough road to travel. The real issue for me is dealing the constant uncertainty of it all.
Thanks guys - Things seemed pretty black when I wrote some of the stuff above - I'm horrified about the impact this is going to have on my son, and focusing too much on it just about pushes me over the edge. Thinking too little about it might hurt him, though - I need to find a balance. My W has really put some distance between herself and S5, and I have been able to fill that gap nicely - something I won't be able to do when they're gone. On the other hand, she can go NOW- I've really reached the "F it" stage with that. She doesn't want to move out for reasons, honestly, of convenience. Bodes well for her new relationship, doesn't it? Of course, OM has been identified - by her - as a major doormat for some time. She said something about wanting to spend time with me and S after she's gone - family things. I told her that was unrealistic BS, and that OM wouldn't condone that - her comment: "F him". I told her to grow up - not exactly DB-worthy, but it made me smile! The irony here is that when she begins to despise him, she'll have nothing. Her choice, but it saddens me to see it coming - another "break-up" for my son to live through. I'll bet half the guys on this forum have seen it, or can see it coming.
8:30 here in NY, she's called me twice at work so far - more than she has in the last month - for BS stuff, and I had to end conversation both times.
Grassshopper, you could have told me this sort of thing was going to happen, couldn't you? One "f it" message from me and she's tryng to get closer again, then an hour from now I'll be the root of all evil.
I think I need an excorcism - I can't take it much longer!
Quote: She doesn't want to move out for reasons, honestly, of convenience. Bodes well for her new relationship, doesn't it? Of course, OM has been identified - by her - as a major doormat for some time. She said something about wanting to spend time with me and S after she's gone - family things. I told her that was unrealistic BS, and that OM wouldn't condone that - her comment: "F him".
My W has said the same thing -- she expects to go on trips to Disneyworld, etc. with D and me even after a divorce.
You know, it really can't be any fun being an OM with your W still emotionally tied to someone else and being shut out of a family life. You really couldn't have any confidence for the future and would basically live like most of us do, always worrying if your lover was going to leave you.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Gosh, RB, you've really made me feel bad for the OM - poor guy. It's enough to make you think he shouldn't have taken advantage of his friendship with a lonely, depressed woman and helped destroy a family, giving her a lifetime of guilt, and leaving three more lives a giant mess. I guess it says even more about his character if he's OK with never having a real committment from her.
Quote: Grassshopper, you could have told me this sort of thing was going to happen, couldn't you? One "f it" message from me and she's tryng to get closer again, then an hour from now I'll be the root of all evil.
Yep. It happens almost every time. The trick is to find a way to detach, GAL and HAPPILY move forward and give her the idea that she may lose you WITHOUT the "f-you" part. That's when the REAL fun begins.
It's enough to make you think he shouldn't have taken advantage of his friendship with a lonely, depressed woman and helped destroy a family, giving her a lifetime of guilt, and leaving three more lives a giant mess.