PS.Don't push him... I would NOT ask him to consider counseling at this point,however it would be great for you... by yourself.(DB therapy,of course)It helped me enormously!
A book I found helpful in creating a sense of peace and calm for myself was "An Unfinished Woman"You will enjoy it's message and identify with the author.
Bless you, Jenny for your speedy reply. My h was in a cheerful mood yesterday, and we talked in the car all the way to his sister's place (for her 25th wedding anniversary party), and he was truly animated about a proposal he's putting together, which will require a huge effort on his part, and no guarantee of getting it either. He was in a good mood last night, and even teased with me and joked, and it felt good, but of course I'm a bit nervous when I see that, because I wonder when the other shoe will drop. I must learn to take every minute for what it is, and not anticipate the future, nor dredge up the past, otherwise I coudl be doomed. I do think, in retrospect, that this new director thing may have shook him a little, as well as my pleasure at going back to work (although I have been working for this contract since March, I am only now going to do it at the office rather than at home, so I won't be around as much). If only I can keep my big mouth shut and not offer solutions for him, I realize that's important. It's funny you referred to your sad sack because that's exactly what my h is like at times. Otherwise, he's a very bright and accomplished person. I am also under no illusion that his cheeriness is going to last indefinitely -- he's just not a deeply cheerful person or a pollyanna at all -- so I am trying to keep my expectations low. Thanks again. Where's Lisa? I wonder what's happening with her? Alex
Lisa, Haven't seen any posts from you lately and just wanted to know you are okay. My H also filed, six months ago. It is painful. Taking it one day at a time is all we can do.
Lisa,I am worried too.Please drop us a line and let us know how you are doing.We care and you are in our prayers.
Kath...how are YOU doing? What's new in your life and your journey toward self discovery and fulfillment?
Alex...keep up the good work...you are making progress every day.It's slow,but steady and when your H really "wakes up" things will move very quickly.(but don't expect any major apologies)
The boys start back to school tommorrow and life is more hectic than usual.Where did the summer go?It's very hot here in the south,so it seems like we should swimming instead of jumping into "fall activities".
Glad to hear from you!! Can't believe its back to school time already!!
All is well here. I can truly say that I have not had such inner happienss since I was a young child. While this is the worst time I have ever been through, it has also been the most wonderful. There are days that are difficult but I tend to turn to God and ask Him to carry me through.
Haven't seen H in 3 1/2 mos. We do email occassionally re house stuff and the divorce. H has an OW of 4 mos. That's the tough part. I believe with someone else in the picture, H is happier and doesn't have to think about OR. H has moved on and probably will never look back. That's when I turn to God for His support.
How is your dbing going? Jenny, I hope all is well with you and I wish you the best.
Kath...you just GLOW w inner peace and calm!I know what you mean about your personal growth.I really FOUND myself again(or maybe for the first time )while DBing and the spiritual aspect of my total being began to to thrive!
Even though my H decided he wanted to stay w me,I had acheived the state of mind you are referring to and I was really prepared for ANY alternative.
PERSPECTIVE is the key and ,Kath, YOU have it as well as my special friend... Jamie! I don't ever want to lose the the personal progress I have gained over the last 1 1/2 or forget the life lesson I learned.
Hi Jenny, glad to hear you sound so positive. Kath, too. That inner peace I get glimpses of on occasion, but am not really there quite yet. I've put ahold on the Unfinished Woman book at the library, so thanks for the suggestion. My h and I have continued our nightly talks, often talking about nothing in particular (ie OR), but last night we talked about my crankiness of the last couple of days. My MIL asked me on the weekend when they were over if I was now reconciled to h going on business overseas with OW, and I got quite upset with her, and said no I wasn't reconciled to it, that I was quite angry with it, but I had to keep my mouth shut. It really put a damper on my evening. Then yesterday, my son blamed me for some silly thing (he accused me of selling one of his boardgames at a garage sale and not giving him the money -- we haven't even had a garage sale!) and my h said that blaming was so like my family. I got quite upset, because it triggered the reaction in me that I have taken my fair share of accountability for problems in the marriage (unlike h) and felt I was not really in the blame game. Anyway, we talked last night, and we were very amicable about it. My h asked me why I was cranky, and I told him that I thought what happened was when he got warmer toward me, my anger was perfhaps a protective barrier I erected, because when he gets like that I say here we go. I'll get drawn in, only to have him slap me down again. He recognized that, but got quite quiet. I told him I was even nervous all day thinking of talking aobut this subject because I was worried he would do as he usually does. The minute I express my hurt or anger, he withdraws and gets cooler. I really think I made a big booboo, but if he wants to talk, and he expresses an interest in seeing how I feel should I withhold everything? The first time we talked and I told him that there were things I recognized about myself that contributed to our interaction, he was much more cheerful afterward. He admitted that he couldn't understand why he would want toleave at all, and that when he thinks about it, he asks himself, why are you doing this? He knows he has it good, but something is missing. When he talks aobut that stuff I try to be empathetic and listen, but I must admit I probably try to offer too many solutions. I think I need to brand your instructions on my forehead before I engage in any more discussions with my h. I just can't understand what he thinks could be missing, when I read of so many other peoples' marriages. Unless the experience with the EA told him that if he felt that way about her, there's something drastically wrong here, and he needs to find that feeling elsewhere. I can't remind him that he also felt that way about me, many years ago, and that if he were involved with her on a day to day basis that the novelty would wear thin. What is wrong with the rational part of these guys' brains? The guys who pride themselves on being so rational??? What last nights talk did, though, was remind me that I need to keep up the distance, if not for my sanity, then for him to miss me. Thanks, Jenny, for letting me ramble.
Me again, Jenny. We had another talk last night, but with somewhat disastrous results. My h talked a lot more about his own feelings because I probed him. I do feel utterly defeated in some ways. It's like he's written this negative script, and no matter how many changes I've made over the past two years, he's still going by that script. Some of what he says is legitimate, and I agreed with what he said, such as he didn't feel as though he knew me that I keep myself separate, and that's probalby true. He told me how it is to talk with his old friend with whom he was inlove for severalyears before he met me. He says it's like peeling anonion, and he gets to discover a bit more about her every time they get together (they have dinner maybe two or three times a year). One of the recent revelations was that she is insecure about her accomplishments (and he'sknown her about 20 years). I have tried not to internalize all this negative stuff, but last night was too much, especially when he said he's never felt that I've been interested in what he's doing. I don't know where this comes from, since my whole relationship with him has revolved around what he does, work-wise, and where he's going and so on. In the middle of the night I woke up and went downstairs and just cried for about an hour. He came down, when he woke and I wasn't in bed, and talked a bit, and I told him I knew I'd promised I'd try not to take this personally, but it was very hard when some of what he was saying was really unfair and not true, and it just seemed as though he was grabbing at any straws. I've told him many times he is free to go, but he says he's not sure this lack of communication (we talked last night for an hour and a half), is worth leaving what's here (which he never says what it is). I'm starting to make myself sick over this, and I'm really neglecting my kids, and I know it's serving no purpose for getting my marriage back on track. It's very hard to lovingly distance when he keeps drawing me in, and it seems when he does draw me in it's only to beat me up. Is it justification for his continuing relationship with this woman? Is it just that he's lost desire for me and this marriage and is aimlessly looking for an excuse, and yet can't really find one good enough to make him look okay for leaving? Is that the source of his anxiety over all this? I've made lots of slip-ups, like getting into the reaction mode, which is exactly what I did last night, but I have just made such an effort for two years to make changes and fix what I've done to this marriage, and still the blame keeps coming and the negativity. What more can I do? It's not like he's saying I love you and I'm confused -- in fact it's I don't love you, I'm confused, we don't communicate, we're not compatible, and he's been going on ad nauseum about this stuff for years now, and yet he's maybe having a hard time finding the evidence? I hope this is not too much of a drian on your own emotions. It's hardly like youv'e been on a picnic yourself the past year, though things seem good now. I expct they are still looking up? Thanks Jenny.
