On my relentless research plan, I found the 6 Stages of a Midlife Crisis - based on what I've said here, does anybody think my W could be in one? A hint: she's very attractive and has been dressing youthfully for the last couple years, but complaining relentlessly about the 15 gray hairs she's discovered. Any ideas?
I understand about how this affects you and the kids. It is so hard watching a S who used to be such a huge part of family life act like everyone should just adapt and be happy with ripping a family apart. I had an awful evening with my W about discussing visitation and her taking S8 to her new place where OM and new GF live. Now S8 wants to stay with his mom which I understand, but do not agree with the location. She started taking him over this past weekend without any discussion and cannot see that this could be a problem. So when I voiced my opinion (not good timing last night, but did not yell), she got very upset and defensive and started cussing at me. She said that I was the one hurting the kids by not letting come over to see her. I am tired of everything being my fault -- even if you are not to believe everything that they say. Hang in there we understand how you feel.
I read your question regarding my situation and Retrouville.
Well, happiness is exactly what we make of it. I'm happy, now. I'm my own person and out of this insane drama of hopelessness and roller coaster highs and lows. My marriage of 19 years failed, but I gave it 150% it didn't happen over night. Just like saving marriages, they don't end overnight and they don't revive overnight. My ex-wife was never happy and remains unhappy. Disillusionment is a choice so is it what it is, her problem.
The retrouville ideals are most excellent. I'm not catholic, but found the experience positive. The only factor that will result in failure is a third party existing during the Retrouville process. In my case, the weekend worked and the follow-ups failed. The addiction to the 3rd party proved too strong. The lies and deceit became too much and I just couldn't take it anymore, Mount St Helens paled to my reactions. Not really. Seemed like I had held back for soooo long, approximately 18 months and vented, essentially gave her the reason to go to her boss-married man-love of all time.....Whatever. In the end she lost her job, peer respect, filed bankruptcy, lost her boys to lies and deceit, her dad died not speaking to her, looks like hell, spends uncontrollably to feel better,...yada...... I have no contact.
Since, I've raised my boys alone, built a new house, received a graduate degree in civil engineering, coached little league, served on boards of directors, regained my self esteem, revived my passion for big game (elk, bear, mt lion, moose) in Montana-Wyoming-Colorado. Most importantly, I’ve been able to mentor people I've never met nor will I meet, in their darkest time. Most will not save their marriage, but will come out in the end as I, a better me. I have not dated anyone and concentrate on my boys and hobbies. My trust zone isn’t where it needs to be yet. I loathe adulterous people and this world is not ready for me to be on the market. Plus, I'm just having fun without relationship nonsense.
Don't be discouraged with the final outcome if it doesn't include riding off in the sunset arm in arm. As I said before, if it does, fabulous, if it doesn't, you will be with the other 50% of America.
This process is nothing you wanted. You didn't ask for what is presently happening. It didn't evolve overnight. You have some blame; your wife has just as much or more. End the blame game now. What I'm about to say is the most important phrase in your life.
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL IN LIFE CURRENTLY EXCEPT HOW YOU REACT.
We spend 90% of our lives reacting to situations and directed comments. You must think before you react. This is your only hope to save your marriage. You have no control what your wife is doing. Her misbehavior is a choice; everything she does now is all about justifying her choices and is not a part of rational adult behavior. She will do what she does and you will let her. Welcome to hell my friend. I did not, after about 18 months of this crap; I demanded an end to all of what she was doing and forced her out by my reaction. Her mind was made up and I, by my reaction, gave her final justification. Whatever the hell that was.
Retrouville would wake her up if you could get her to go. This program was developed by the Catholic Church when they realized divorce was at epidemic levels in their congregations. Concepts of forgiveness and communication are effective tools. These concepts are presented by couples who have experienced disillusionment in the darkest moments.
For now, concentrate on what makes you happy or at least brings you to peace. Even if it's just for a few minutes. Repeat the process of creating happiness or calm to you. This will be noticed and may make the difference. Your wife is miserable; she will want you to be the same. React only after thinking, sleep on it, eat and smile.
I would absorb your pain, but you must feel it to survive this. Forgive when you can, yet never forget what it feels like. Life is far too short to feel like this too long, this too is a choice.
I'll try to keep up with you. Sometimes I read these situations and slip back to anxious times. I don't like the phantom pain symptoms so believe me when I say I feel you pain.
Hearts Blessing has been here a long time also. I don't personnaly accept MLC as a science, just an excuse to express weak morals and character flaws.
I too had a high maintenance beauty queen as a wife, once I stopped affirming her beauty when life and gravity caught up to her, all hell broke loose. Another man who had been there and done that literally a few times knew exactly what to say to make her feel young again. You know what I mean.
You see a bit of hope in the stages, that she may get through the tunnels and things will work out. Just don't allow yourself to excuse this misbehavior as a clinical diagnosis. It's hurtful and unwanted. Not an excuse. I agree that there are stages of misbehavior, it's a justifying process by weak willed or character flawed humans and is dependant upon reactions to advance or regress. Oddly, you can look around in church, half the congreagations are going thru this process. Hurting, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. It all comes back to choices. Live with what you can and do your best. Love that little boy, he'll never leave you.
I was out of town, told W I wanted to talk to son before bedtime Thursday night. Before I call, I get a call from OM's house (caller ID) and it's my son, telling me about the sleepover with his friends (OM's kids). Talk to him, conversation ends with OM in background saying "OK, that's it - time for bed". Son told me Mom was at school.
Now - this is the first day in months I've been away from him, and instead of being with Mom, he's at Turd's house. Naturally, I have an anxiety attack and call W, she calls me back 10pm after school. We have a not-so-nice but not brutal conversation, I tell her how I feel, and how worried I am about the coming separation from my son. I can tell she's anxious about leaving him, but sort of treats me like it's all about her and I, not him.
I get home last night and she initiates a big R talk - tells me she can't love me anymore, but is just choosing the lesser of the two evils. Not that she doesn't love OM, but it's not a good situation, losing everything and destroying our family. She cried the whole time. I didn't, but did tell her how I understood, how I've learned a lot, how strongly I felt we could work things out if she wanted to try. I validated her every feeling, and meant it. We really connected on SOME level. I say some, but no promises were asked for or made.
Woke up this morning and she's on the phone with OM - and it's like nothing happened last night - I just made her melancholy and regretful, and nothing can be fixed between us, OM would never do what I've done to her, etc. Did I make a huge mistake in even talking to her? She said that if I'd had a change of heart 3 or 4 months ago, everything would be different. One of my 180's has been a willingness to listen and share my feelings, and one of the detachment strategies has been to not tell her stuff - they conflict sometimes and backfire.
I'm so confused about what to do now - maybe it's just too late for us. I can't be the slightest bit angry at her for any of this stuff.
Sunday morning update - We talked R again last night, she told me many things about thinking it's too late for us, but that she wants to be with me when she's with me, OM when she's with him.
She's got that huge conflict about what choice to make, knowing both would be hard, but having more feelings for him now than she does me. He's her confidant and supporter when she says how unhappy she is with me, and I'm just the guy who's hurt her for so long. I'm so in trouble here - how do you compete with that? She's just suspicious of everything I say or do. I know she hates to lose our life and all the dreams and things that go with it, yet she believes they were all false anyway. I know everyone will say I've fallen off the DB wagon here, but basically yesterday was the "beyond the Last Resort" discussion. End result? rolled into a full-blown R talk, me telling her how I've dealt with depression, seen the possibilities, etc. I was led in that direction by her, and refusing to go there would've been a mistake when she wanted to. This morning she was up and gone before 6 am, after talking on the phone with OM until past 1 am. Left me a note saying she'd be home by 10 - why? Who knows!
What the heck can I do here? My wife does not want to hurt anyone and can't seem to get to that place again - the place where she recognizes the value of holding our family together, and working hard on something worth having.....
Quote: I'm so in trouble here - how do you compete with that?
You don't. Don't try to be anything other than the man you truly are.
These R talks are not helping you. I would strongly suggest avoiding them in the future.
Quote: telling her how I've dealt with depression, seen the possibilities, etc. I was led in that direction by her, and refusing to go there would've been a mistake when she wanted to.
Telling her these things is meaningless at best and counterproductive at worst. Focus on GAL and let her see the changes in you -- don't talk about them. In fact, I would advise you to stop talking about your life at all. Let her get curious and ask others about you, while you create an air of mystery.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
deezee, my prays go out to you, god your situation is almost to a "T" like mine, but we are now apart from each other, and i've been living with my parents. i hope you can save your M , i feel your pain. and i have to agree that you shouldn't talk about your R, just take it a day at a time, and keep busy. be a good father to your S, and be good to yourself. i know its hard, i find myself calling her house to talk to the kids and hoping she answers the phone just so i can hear her voice, she has stopped taking to me all together, and i am forced to comunicate through the kids for anything, like when can i pick them up. i have to ask the kids??? i don't know why, she hasn't introduced the OM to my children yet, so i'm scared on how they will take it, i have a D 8, and a D 11, i've been a huge part of there lives, been with her for 14 years, been the only financial provider in the home, active with my children activities, coach softball for them, and now i can't even go over and tuck them in bed. she blames me for her falling out of love with me, blames me for everything, i just feel she is so unhappy with her life, no work or career, few frinds that she see's seldomly, and now WOW there is another man who loves her and tells her she's his soul mate, " my daughter 11 found a 2 page love letter from him to her, and she told what it basical said. i told her to put it back and don't say anything to mom. i also feel how do i compete with that, new relationship with no issues, most of our problems in the past was about money, cause she didn't want to work.
i'm sorry deezee, i've been going off with my problems, just try to keep busy, visit friends and family, and try to take better care of yourself.
As seen above, I fell off the DB wagon and talked R with W - she's now planning to leave as soon as we can get a lawyer started!!!!!!!!
Learn from me people!!!!!!!!! She YANKED me in to that discussion, I knew I shouldn't have it, did anyway, now I've set back my efforts by a month, or maybe ruined them
Next question - do I drag my feet getting to a lawyer (my current thought) forcing her to take action, or do I get it done fast to show detachment/GAL efforts now that the "cat's out of the bag" again on my feelings......
