I read your question regarding my situation and Retrouville.
Well, happiness is exactly what we make of it. I'm happy, now. I'm my own person and out of this insane drama of hopelessness and roller coaster highs and lows. My marriage of 19 years failed, but I gave it 150% it didn't happen over night. Just like saving marriages, they don't end overnight and they don't revive overnight. My ex-wife was never happy and remains unhappy. Disillusionment is a choice so is it what it is, her problem.
The retrouville ideals are most excellent. I'm not catholic, but found the experience positive. The only factor that will result in failure is a third party existing during the Retrouville process. In my case, the weekend worked and the follow-ups failed. The addiction to the 3rd party proved too strong. The lies and deceit became too much and I just couldn't take it anymore, Mount St Helens paled to my reactions. Not really. Seemed like I had held back for soooo long, approximately 18 months and vented, essentially gave her the reason to go to her boss-married man-love of all time.....Whatever. In the end she lost her job, peer respect, filed bankruptcy, lost her boys to lies and deceit, her dad died not speaking to her, looks like hell, spends uncontrollably to feel better,...yada...... I have no contact.
Since, I've raised my boys alone, built a new house, received a graduate degree in civil engineering, coached little league, served on boards of directors, regained my self esteem, revived my passion for big game (elk, bear, mt lion, moose) in Montana-Wyoming-Colorado. Most importantly, I’ve been able to mentor people I've never met nor will I meet, in their darkest time. Most will not save their marriage, but will come out in the end as I, a better me. I have not dated anyone and concentrate on my boys and hobbies. My trust zone isn’t where it needs to be yet. I loathe adulterous people and this world is not ready for me to be on the market. Plus, I'm just having fun without relationship nonsense.
Don't be discouraged with the final outcome if it doesn't include riding off in the sunset arm in arm. As I said before, if it does, fabulous, if it doesn't, you will be with the other 50% of America.
This process is nothing you wanted. You didn't ask for what is presently happening. It didn't evolve overnight. You have some blame; your wife has just as much or more. End the blame game now. What I'm about to say is the most important phrase in your life.
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL IN LIFE CURRENTLY EXCEPT HOW YOU REACT.
We spend 90% of our lives reacting to situations and directed comments. You must think before you react. This is your only hope to save your marriage. You have no control what your wife is doing. Her misbehavior is a choice; everything she does now is all about justifying her choices and is not a part of rational adult behavior. She will do what she does and you will let her. Welcome to hell my friend. I did not, after about 18 months of this crap; I demanded an end to all of what she was doing and forced her out by my reaction. Her mind was made up and I, by my reaction, gave her final justification. Whatever the hell that was.
Retrouville would wake her up if you could get her to go. This program was developed by the Catholic Church when they realized divorce was at epidemic levels in their congregations. Concepts of forgiveness and communication are effective tools. These concepts are presented by couples who have experienced disillusionment in the darkest moments.
For now, concentrate on what makes you happy or at least brings you to peace. Even if it's just for a few minutes. Repeat the process of creating happiness or calm to you. This will be noticed and may make the difference. Your wife is miserable; she will want you to be the same. React only after thinking, sleep on it, eat and smile.
I would absorb your pain, but you must feel it to survive this. Forgive when you can, yet never forget what it feels like. Life is far too short to feel like this too long, this too is a choice.
I'll try to keep up with you. Sometimes I read these situations and slip back to anxious times. I don't like the phantom pain symptoms so believe me when I say I feel you pain.
