W found WAW description written by Michele and REALLY identified with it, and has also been reading some of the depression stuff laying around my "spots" in the house. The net result has been some softening of her opinion of me, but the expected reaction has been to move further back in our history to the rotten $hit I did early on.
The severest of this is tough to explain quickly, but I'll try - My father died when I was 10, mother earned zilch, grew up dirt poor, been successful since, scared to death to make any big money decisions, deny myself (and, therefore, her) everything I can out of cowardice or fear of running short on cash (irrational), accused her of caring for only material things. Net result: She resents the hell out of me, is angry about THAT in addition to the neglect and avoidance between us that occurred when we didn't resolve things.
The point of this, and my question to all: Is there some behavior I can exhibit - perhaps toward my son or myself, or possibly her, that will show her a 180; without just causing further resentment? I've been very generous in our talks about separation finances, asking only that she not force the sale of our home for my son's sake (she agrees).
This could be an important step toward her eventual forgiveness, so I don't want to blow it. If she can get beyond this issue, another major goal would be achieved.
The last big one - true if we stay together or not - is for her to see how her responses and behavior contributed to our problems. This might be easier than I think - she put up with my crap for 11 years, and I with hers!
On a practical note - does not the debts your W incurs on her credit card effect your credit? Why should you be paying for the OM's home? Just seems strange to me. If she wants to move out, surely how she pays for it, is her problem? One should validate their decisions, but you don't have to support it, financially anyway.
You are doing well, re GAL, and you handle the conversations very well with your W. I like, especially, your attempting to pre-empt anything negative she may say, i.e. the "too lates".
Keep it up! Keep in mind, always, that you don't control anything, except your reactions.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Being me - You're right about the financial issue, of course, but the way I handle things now will have a huge impact on our progress [see above post re: my attitude in the past about $] as well as how smoothly our separation agreement will go - I know, I know - tons of you guys are laughing - but the money isn't that big an issue for me yet. She could demand and get most of my earnings in a filing - she hasn't worked in 5 years, and didn't work much since our wedding day - so NYS would think spousal support was a great idea!
Emotionally, seeing her squirrel away a few bucks on every trip to the store and buy things on her not-so-secret credit card is HUGE for me - planning her life with OM right in my face - but reacting violently would turn everything to a huge $hitstorm that'd hurt myself and my son a lot worse than it would her. You'll notice I mentioned the Sep Agreeement - requirement for NYS divorce is a one-year separation, at which time a D can be granted and the Agreement becomes part of the D. It's where all the financial stuff gets worked out, and I think she's counting on me to be cooperative, so it gives me a measure of influence I might not have otherwise. I don't think she'd do poorly in court, but I'm convinced she harbors only anger for me - no hatred - and plenty of guilt, since she knows her behavior has been far from perfect (nastiness, rejection, betrayal, cheating, lying, blah blah blah..... )
So that's where we are with money now!!! I guess that's a 180, isn't it
A nice story - alone with my son last night, W was "out", and his loose tooth fell out! He wasn't upset or panicky about the blood - just proud and looking forward to the tooth fairy! Having a 5 yr old has got to to be the best mood brightener in the world. W was at school, then spent the night in the Love Nest with OM, so she missed the whole thing. I got to tell her this morning when I asked for a couple "tooth fairy dollars". No accusations, just information. I know my bride, and she was really bothered by not being there - even if it was just for a moment until she justified it. Interestingly, I didn't really care one way or another how she felt - still don't. Maybe my detachment strategy is working on me !
That is great DeeZee. Those are the kind of moments you will remember forever. These WAW don't relize what they are missing out on. Hang in there it sounds like your doing great.
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
Thread 1
Just got a call from my Counselor cancelling our appointment tonight. Now I feel crappy - I guess I was counting on it more than I thought, and I didn't even have anything in particular to talk about. Actually, I did. I'm afraid some depression symptoms are creeping in on me again - has anyone tried sleep aids? I wake up way too early these days, and I miss sleeping next to my wife.
I read some Harley stuff about breaking off affairs and the requirement that you end it totally with no contact - he recommends (demands?) that you move out of state if that's what it takes. Any thoughts. OM lives a mile from me.....
That would be the best scenario, however, one has to consider where your child/ren would be most comfortable - IMHO. Would it be in their best interests to move them away from what is familiar?
I remember so fondly my kids losing their teeth, and all the excitement involved. I cannot imagine how your WAW justifies not being there for her child's great moments. She truly must be taken over by some alien.
It looks like you have all your bases pretty well covered - financially, emotionally (detaching, although you have some depression creeping in, but I think this is normal), and practically. It seems you have your goals thought out, planned how you want to handle things, and that is all you can do for now.
What you need to work on now, is patience. This is one of the most difficult things to accomplish - for me, anyway. I had made my goals, planned everything, detached, GAL, and then I just wanted everything to fall into place immediately. As it turns out, that thing called 'control' got in the way. I could not control when or if my H was going to see the light and reinvest in our M. It took a lot of time, but it happened, and it did so after I had decided to go through with the D, and move on with my life without him. In essence, I had given up all hope of every reconciling or even having a new R with him. Go figure, 'eh!
BTW, I still wonder how much alimony your W would get if she is living with another man, as H and W. So, this may be something to look into. I know you want your family together, but if you get custody of your child, and W is living with OM, and you need to move on, then think about the legal and financial implications, please. Too many LBS'es are so emotionally distraught that they forget to look out for themselves and their children, while the WAS has had the time to let go of M, thought out all the possibilities, before dropping the B.
Take care!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Good advice, thanks. I'm not sure about the alimony thing either - I haven't seen a lawyer yet. For all I know, she has. I wouldn't doubt OM would find money for that!
We had an interesting evening last night - she told me she had a fun Mother's Day at the circus, and I overheard her telling my son that they needed to think of something fun for Father's Day for us to do. That sort of comment freaks me out, and I've got a list a mile long of those - saying how much room "we" have in the barn after the garage sale, talking about buying a family computer our son can use, and asking ME when I would like HER to move out. She also talks daily about how terrible it is that all her fellow students are divorced/unmarried Moms, and she'll be one too - what can I say to that? Your choice, Honey? Of course, our detached but pleasant evening was followed by a phone call to OM after I went to bed, but it's still strange. I figure soon he'll start feeling jealous and causing some grief for her - but who knows, I've met the guy, know his story, and he's a major doormat for other people. I don't want to make the mistake of characterising their relationship as an "affair" only, though. They spent a ton of time together with the kids and were friends first - MUCH worse for me than any kind of "fling", I think. Any thoughts? Another observation - possibly false - I don't think she's in love with him, she may just see him as a safety net, with future possibilities. THAT may be my wishful thinking. Anybody in a similar sitch that can shed any light on this for me?
Quote: That sort of comment freaks me out, and I've got a list a mile long of those - saying how much room "we" have in the barn after the garage sale, talking about buying a family computer our son can use, and asking ME when I would like HER to move out. She also talks daily about how terrible it is that all her fellow students are divorced/unmarried Moms, and she'll be one too - what can I say to that? Your choice, Honey?
I understand your confusion. My W, all through this thing, constantly said things like that. She would always talk about things WAY in the future and want to do things that would only matter if we stayed together, then the next day say how there we nothing left to work on between us.
I know it's frustrating but you have to accept where she is right now. She is oscillating between confused and her "normal" life with you, making plans with the family, etc. She is in a very real sense, living two separate lives but probably knows one of those lives will have to end sometime. My W always said she understood that anyway.
Quote: Another observation - possibly false - I don't think she's in love with him, she may just see him as a safety net, with future possibilities. THAT may be my wishful thinking.
Maybe, maybe not but it doesn't really much matter. Either way, she will have a hard time breaking things off with him. Sure, it helps if she is not feeling those "in love" feelings but as you said, he may be her safety net and as such, will be VERY hard for her to get rid of and still feel "safe".
