Thanks GH - it's very hard to read her due to the avoidance, and I can see clearly that she ignores and "interprets" good things, while leaping on any mistakes I might make and making them big - part of my confusion! If she's planning such an elaborate life with the OM, why bother with me at all?
Well, the first thing to realize is that mistakes are relative and unless YOU consider something a mistake, what she thinks is irrelevant right now. That's part of shifting the focus from the obvious, the open wound that is your M, to the not-so-obvious, yourself.
When you do that, the confusion will subside a bit. Her "interpretation" is not necessary right now. She can interpret all she wants and likely she will misinterpret a lot of things as things you are doing to get her attention or to woo her when in fact, you are doing them for YOU. Sure, you DO want her attention and to woo her but it can't be your primary objective.
I have seen SO many people here only achieve real mile-stone type success in their sitch when they finally give up and say "f-her/him, I am done. I just want to move on with my life." The reason why it's at that point that so many people meet with success is because it's at that point when their actions stop being about how their WAS will react or perceive them and all about what they want to do on their own.
What I tell most people, and am telling you, is that DB attempts to get you to the point where you are making independent decisions that will benefit mostly you WITHOUT having to get to your wits end to do it. You can become self-centered (in a good way) without becoming hardened to your spouse. If you wait too long, and do it the hard way, i.e. waiting until things get so bad you have little choice but to react in self-preservation, then you stand less of a chance to recover your M if it's possible.
As for her "elaborate plans", that sounds like the mind of a WAS working, planning her perfect life that you and I know will never live up to the billing. Reality WILL creep in on that R sooner or later and though there are no guarantees in these things, it's probably going to loose it's luster. It's at that point when your successful detachment and DBing will play a huge role because she may begin to take stock and when she looks at you, all shiny and rejuvenated, on your way to self motivated, self sustained happiness, she MAY just want to see what's up and revisit something she once left for dead.
All I can say is that it's NEVER over really so don't pay her much attention when she says it is. Live day to day, enjoy your kids and grow with each breath.
