I need some advice from other folks here - this is my first post anywhere, ever. I've been married for over 10 years to my first real girlfriend from back when I was a teenager- I'm 39 now, with a nearly 5 year old son. We had a rough start to our marriage and always had problems communicating, but since my son was born things have gotten steadily worse. I was neglectful and negative due to my excessive work schedule and some depression that kind of snuck up on me and got pretty bad - but that I recognized a few months back, and have gotten under control. The result, though is that my wife is EXTREMELY angry about all of my poor treatment of her and my continual denial of evrything she wanted - or I wanted. I just worked, worked, worked to reach some goal I never even identified. The last year or so, she became friends with a divorced Dad at my son's school and they have since developed in to a full-blown affair, with future promises of a life together. She is living with me, but spending more time with him, as well as some nights out - recently, at least. I know that he has bought a house nearby and she is working on it with him, with the intention of moving in with him at some later date - which she denies, but says she might, or she might get an apartment. She doesn't work, so support from me would pay for it. I've been using the techniques from DR for the last few weeks, but haven't had any luck. We are polite, but she often brings up past offenses and renews her anger (without any help). She found my book, and may have read it, I'm not sure. She seems to treat any kindness from me as very unwelcome. We attended a couple sessions with a great therapist back in March, but she has refused to return since, saying that she can't reconcile with someone she can't feel any desire or "true love" for - too much bad stuff between us, Ilove you but I'm not in love with you, all the expected things from a neglected wife in an EA. I believe the stress of thinking about repairing our marriage actually accelerated its demise, and pushed her toward the other guy. She seems terribly distressed about leaving our home and all that she put into it. The situation with the OP is worse than ours from a lifestyle angle - he's got two kids that are somewhat trouble, he shares custody with his alcoholic former wife, he doesn't earn much money, the house he bought is a dump, and my wife expects to never have much again in her life. Just to show how much she wants out!!!! I'm sure her feeling for the guy are strong, but she's smart enough to know she's not making a simple move. We can't talk about much anymore, but we do discuss finances related to the separation (not started legally yet) and we talk about our child. We are seperated by her schedule and mine, left with only three evenings and Sunday. She tries to find a reason to be gone some of that time as well. Naturally, we are not sleeping together and haven't in two months, and she certainly has a sexual relationship with the OP. There's the background, so here's the question: anyone been in similar situation and had any success, or are things too far gone. I've tried and am trying the LRT, but she seems to prefer it to anything else. Any questions, ask them and I'll check back. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts!!!!
The standard greeting: I'm really sorry to see you here deezee, nothing is worse than trying to sort through the crisis that has been brought upon you and your family. That being said, you have absolutely picked the right site to get the proper advice and others here who are much wiser and knowledgable than I am will likely chime in.
First and foremost understand that your W is confused and simply does not know what to do. The A here is merely a symptom of the underlying problems and not the cause. The fact that you have read DR and are employing its principles is very smart.
Secondly, WAW's will say anything to alleviate their own guilt and emotions in all of this, so believe only about 1/3 of what they are saying to you about the future, the past, etc. It is much easier for any of us to blame our problems on the doings of others than it is to look within ourselves. This seems to be where she is going in all this. could you have been a better person in the previous years....I'm sure, but it doesn't mean you can't be a better person in the future.
The other problem....it appears that you have already jumped ahead to "repairing" your R when in fact, there isn't any R at this moment. She isn't acting in any way that would indicate that you two have a healthy R, so what is it that your trying to repair?
I guess the best advice I can offer you can be summed up in that stupid little saying that we've all heard a million times again and again. If you love something, set it free and so on. How so darn true. Give her space, lots of it and in the meantime work on YOU. Don't focus on what she is doing, focus on making yourself better...work out, jog, find a hobby, read self-help books, visit this site..anything to occupy your time.
Believe me, you will get a great deal of advice here on this site. I'll try to keep upated on your sitch and I'm sure others will as well.
All the best,
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Sorry for the quick thank you - a little more detail is in order - I am doing just as you said and have found it extremely helpful to me, but perhaps has irritated my wife in the sense that she has a "why now?" approach - like her life is about to be hell, and mine's getting better. I sort of agree with her, for what it's worth. She could have done some things differently, I suppose, but I'm really at fault. The depression thing made me feel like everything was just an insurmountable task. Worse yet, I credit her "wake-up call" to me as the thing that helped shake me out of it. All of this adds up to a tremendous amount of guilt. By the way, you're right about her confusion and guilt, I think. This woman is the best Mom in the world, and I think she's had to decide our son comes in second from now on, just to protect herself: she came "this close", I think, to killing herself last year. Can you see where my guilt comes from? God, I wish I could help her now.
First off, let me dissuade you of something you've been saying all along...you are not 100% responsible for what is happening right now in your R....As GH did say to someone else on here, you are 100% responsible for you contribution, but at best you are only half responsible. So dissuade yourself from the guilt that you "caused this"...its really not the case becuase it was ultimately her decision to abandon the R at the end of the day for whatever reason. That doesn't mean she's 100% responsible either. Both of you have to accept responsibility for the downfall of the M. It looks like you have started to do that....eventually she may as well.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I just read "Advice for spouses of Walkaways" from Nicky in the archives - I understand what you mean, Rob, but that guilt isn't easy to dismiss. I guess it's easy to say both of us should have read DR or went to counseling, etc., and you'd be right - but the fact remains that I've only just begun to feel the pain to the depth that my wife has for a long time. I think women allow themselves a lot more emotion than men, and define things much more quickly. I'm not going to make any excuses, because much of her pain was hidden by her anger, but I should have seen it. My own depression symptoms clouded everything for me, making it seem like I was on the outside looking in, helpless to change what I was seeing. No matter what, I'll keep working on myself, if only to feel better and benefit my son and our relationship. Thanks again to everyone out there.
Quote: but the fact remains that I've only just begun to feel the pain to the depth that my wife has for a long time. I think women allow themselves a lot more emotion than men, and define things much more quickly. I'm not going to make any excuses, because much of her pain was hidden by her anger, but I should have seen it.
This concept, I believe is addressed by John Gray in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...a book that I highly recommend for anyone looking to improve their interpesonal relationships. In essence, you are not alone here...to a large degree I did exactly the same thing in my R. The point is, it is never to late to figure these things out and while it ultimately may prove to late for your R (sorry, sometimes that does happen despite our best efforts to the contrary) it will go a long way into improving who you are and how you understand relationships.
All the best, Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks - I think you may be right about the "too late". In some ways, I'd like her to leave the house, but I feel like it should be her decision, not mine, and because of child care it means I'll see my son much less when she's gone. That in itself is enough to keep me hanging on, but it's not the whole story... Question for others with WAW - do your wives have angry outbursts in reaction to stress or pain? Mine sure does, and it has made it very hard to be a caring husband: I'm human, and inclined to defend myself!
Quote: Question for others with WAW - do your wives have angry outbursts in reaction to stress or pain?
Yes, yes, and to emphasize even more....yes. Unless there is something completely atypical about your W's angry outbursts, I believe this is fairly common behavior, especially if they are carrying a lot of guilt or emotion.
Yes, defending oneself is natural as well, however, you must try to look at it from a different point of view....she's not attacking you per se, although it may feel like that, but lashing out is much easier than looking inward. This is where validation principles are essential, you must learn to validate her feelings, hear them, but do not react to them. They are not YOUR feelings, but hers. You cannot control them, only your reaction to them.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
