Jenny, You say it took 10 months of DBing to see a glimmer of hope. Why does it take that long? I didn't start really DBing until about 4 months ago, and I don't see even a glimmer. I have given up hope. Could you tell me what made you keep going even though you weren't getting any results? I'm very discouraged. We have been separated 1 year, nothing legal yet.
Hope you had a wonderful bike ride this am! Haven't seen you on the board lately, so just wanted to check in. Sorry to hear of the flashbacks. I guess the positive side is that is in your control. Your still dbing and that's important. Thanks always for the support and encouragement.
CC,
Don't give up hope!! My separation is 10 mos. plus and H filed 4 mos ago.
There are times when I'm feeling down, but I try to turn it over to my Higher Power and let God take over. I can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow much less in a few months. Just try to focus on being what you want to be and what you are. I'm at the point where I truly still want my marriage. I realize my shortcomings in the breakdown. I also know that we have no control over our H's. I know that I will have a wonderful life with or wo H. That does not mean that I don't get down, but those are the times for prayer and reflection.
Keep strong. Remember that we have to write out third book together, "How to Happily Reunite with Your Love".
Thanks so much for the encouragement Kath. You're really sweet. I've been very discouraged lately. Tired too. You're doing great with your situation. Now that your H has filed, what happens next? Do you hear from him at all? Yes, we will write that book one day!
I'm just trying to move forward and make the changes that I want to make. I am at least functioning now.
I really don't have much contact with H. Some emails now and then re bills, the house, etc. I have not seen H in three months. He still wants the D, and will not consider any other options. We are moving forward with D, but I am not jumping to do it ASAP. I'm taking my time.
UPDATE: A letter from a bank came to the house addressed to my H and the OW. I opened it because I was hurt and mad. It appears that they have applied for credit and they were turned down. Obviously it appears that he has made his decision. No wonder that he is not calling like he used to or been coming to the house as often. Ever since he and I got back from our separate vacations and I was not home that first monday back and he was there thinking I would come home for lunch (that was on the 24th of July) and I did not, he has been not calling as often. Only twice that week and only once last week. How do I deal with this? The conversation with him last friday was good and He will be coming home today and if I go home (which I want to because I have not seen him since July 12th) how do I deal with this. Do I show it to him or ignore it like it never came or what? Help, I really need some advice and any support you all can give me.
Oh Lisa, when I read your post, my heart sank, thinking of how painful this is for you. I'm so sorry to hear about the credit note coming to your home. Though painful, it doesn't mean the end. It just means you have a very rough ride ahead of you. My advice would be to calmly bring it up with your h about the note, ask why it came to your house, since it is a very hurtful thing for you to have to see, remembering that people do cruel things when they are trying to squelch their guilt, and your h certainly sounds like he's been wallowing in guilt since the beginning of all this. He is also cowardly and wants you to find out this way rather than having to tell you to your face. Don't react, though, in a negative way, just be calm, if you can manage it. He's going to know, just by looking at your face that you are extremely hurt. Secondly, you need to rally all your support group around you. Go out with friends, a lot. Be civil to your h, but don't engage him in any lengthy conversations about how you feel, because he will try to use it to assuage his guilt. Try acting as if you are okay with this, and that your life will go on. Even though you feel like your life has stopped. It has momentarily, and you're going to need all your energy to face that pain and deal with it. I suspect that your h also feels guilty about the OW -- didn't you say she has ms? If he's had an affair with her, she's probably putting the guilt screws to him, about her condition, etc. Remember what Jenny said about OWs are often insecure people who flatter our spouses and make them feel like heroes again. Since she is probably making him feel somewhat guilty, don't you add to it bey making him feel guilty. If a fox is trapped, or cornered on both sides it will fight back. If it's only trapped on one side (by her) it will escape through the only opening left it (you). Don'e fight it, and don't explain away yourself, and stop being so damned nice to him and assuring him that you don't have men calling for you. In fact, if you arrange to have a meeting with him, why not ask one of those callers to call during it. On second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea, it'll give him reason to justify his actions. Keep going back to Dbing, it really is the only method out of this mess, whether you spend the rest of your life with h or not. Do you go to church? If not, you'll find a very encouraging, and supportive atmosphere there. You need somewhere to land yourself, and friends are one way -- empathetic environments are another. Which is why you need to come here and read and post. Immerse yourself in the success stories so you don't give in to despair too much, though it will be a constant companion for a while. Go back and read Wonder Woman's previous postings -- she adopted an attitude of humour and after a year or more from hell, she and h are reunited happily. Good luck and God bless Alex
BAD NEWS UPDATE: My husband has filed for divorce. He filed on the day that I saw him. Here I was thinking that the conversation had gone good because he was talking about thinking about coming home a lot but he did not just want to come home and pretend that everything was alright and he was talking about different things that led me to believe that the OW thing was not working, etc. He had told me that he loved me but not the way that I deserved. He had said that he was willing to talk to Arnold (Michelle's associate). All the while he was looking at me and smiling he had filed before he came to the house. I was served yesterday and I did talk to him afterward. He said that he had to wake me up because I would never talk about it. He just did not know what else to do. I spoke with him and then we got off the phone and then he calls me back saying that I just need to put the papers away and forget about it this weekend and go see my grandfather (who just had major surgery but he is doing fine). He says that he does not know but he does not want to be married. He sounded like he was crying on the phone. He did agree to talk to Arnold as I thought that it would be better to have a mediator of sorts when we talked. I spoke with Arnold and for this time he wants to talk to my H alone. He wants to get a feel for what he is thinking and says that my H may say some things to him that he would not say if I was on the phone also. I left my H a message of the time and the phone number to call (it is tomorrow at 8:00.) I will not know if he calls or not. I am just hoping that he does. One thing that my husband says is that I always analyze him and he feels like he is in the chair. I know I do this and Arnold has noticed this about me too. I just want to understand how this man went from loving mw with all his heart and soul and writing me the most romantic notes to not loving me and wanting a divorce. Maybe it is not for me to understand but I feel if I could understand then it would make it easier on me. Anyway, please pray for me as I am just barely hanging in there. I am by no means suicidal so don't worry about that, but I am still at a shock that instead of buying my husband a second wedding anniversary present (it would be on Septmeber 19) that I am going to be contacting lawyers on Monday to see what I need to do. This damn state is no fault so I do not know what will happen there. I will still pray for my marriage until the day that the divorce is final. Please pray for me and wish me well. I appreciate all of your support.
Dear Lissa, I send you hugs of comfort and lots of encouragement...so that you won't let this latest turn of events get you down.
I know how devastated you feel at receiving the news that your H has filed for D.Just remember that it doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce is inevitable.He has been compelled to follow this path and perhaps he needs to play it out a bit.
Obviously,his guilt over his infidelity is pushing him to somehow legitimize his affair.I doubt if he will feel any better and the OW may be behind his actions.Your marriage is not over by any means at this point.However,you must focus on YOURSELF and your OWN needs.
This is not about you,it is about your H's unhappiness.He may have some serious problems to want to leave such a brief marriage.It may be a pattern he is repeating.
Lissa you deserve much more and he knows it!He may come to his senses,but you must get your life in order without him.Your only hope is in that he sees you are attractive and successful without him.In many cases this draws a spouse home again.
Good luck tommorrow in protecting yourself legally and in find some peace of mind.
Lisa, didn't know what to say when I first read your post. It's heartbreaking, but I can only second everything that Jenny has said to you. There is a certain movement forward, just in the fact that the divorce has been filed -- you were fearful of that and fear hanging over one's head is a paralyzing thing. She is absolutely right in everything she has said. This is by no means the end, she is also right about his ambivalence after such a brief marriage. DB your heart out, not so much for the effect it might have on him, but the effect it will have on you. I have been going forward, and I am feeling much more confident and positive, and I might add that my h has made no moves to leave. In fact he has become more affectionate. Big difference is that he doesn't have anyone to go to -- I will never assume again, however, that that will always be the case. I am taking it one step at a time, and there are things that I am very unhappy about with his approach to reconciling, but I am keeping it to myself until the right time. He knows what's right and wrong, as does your h, and I am giving him the gift of time to make any real moves toward reconciliation HIS IDEA. And I suspect your h needs the same thing. He needs to feel that he is assuaging his guilt over infidelity in his own way -- space and time away in order to justify it -- and that he may be back but only when he feels he can safely come back because it's his idea and not yours. Best of luck and lots of cyberhugs.
I know things can seem confusing going through what you are experiencing, so trust what Jenny and Alex have told you to do. They have given you the exact stuff to do.
