Jenny, Thanks for your reply. I have considered talking to someone about Meds for me. Some days are ok for me and I can make it through without crying, but I have a feeling if he does go and file for D that I will not be able to handle it. I have been talking to one of Michelle's colleagues on the phone as there is not SBT therapist in my area. He does help tremendously and you help me when I am not scheduled to talk to him. I appreciate that.
I am going away next week to my best friends house in South Carolina. My husbands work shuts down for a week and I knew that I did not want to sit around wondering what he was doing or if he was going to call me. I told him that I was going out of town and that I already had someone to take care of the dogs. He asked where I was going and I just told him that I was going out of town. Do you think I should tell him where in case there is some emergency and he needs to get a hold of me? Also I cannot imagine not talking to him all week long. I do not know how he will feel about it, maybe it would be good or maybe it would just push him further away, I don't know. What do you think? Also he tells me that I seem to have this great social life now and he was wondering if I was seeing someone. I said "Excuse me? and he said well the mind does wander since you are always busy and have things to do. He also said that he was wondering why if I was seeing someone would I want to stay married. I asked him if he would care if I was and he said that yes, he knew that he could not say anything but yes it would bother him. I finally (after letting him sit on it for a second and wonder) told him that no, I was not seeing anyone. He then asked if I was talking to anyone and I said No. I have been hanging out with friends.
He did ask if we could do this divorce thing amicably as friends and not involve a lot of lawyers to save us both money (see letter above-just a note, he has been paying the house payment and other bills since he left and he has been giving me money so that I can pay off some debt that we accumulated on credit cards that are in my name only). I just ignored the question and did not even say anything. He**, I don't even want the D and he wants me to tell him, yes we can be friends and do this D and everything will be fine. I can't do that.
I have suggested that my H call the colleague of Michelle's that I talk with. He thought that I just wanted him to call to save this marriage (which I do want to do that), but I told him that I wanted him to do it for him for his emotional well being. He did mention in our conversation that he just wanted closure and wanted to be happy and I did ask (I know maybe I should not have) if he thought that Divorcing me would give him closure and make him happy and he said I don't know. (At least he did not say yes).
There is a possibility that I will see him today. He is coming home to give me the camera for my trip and he is going to mow the lawn. I think if I go home at all I will be happy and get in and get out like I have something else I need to do. I am all dressed up today and I would like for him to see me that way and happy.
Jenny, My one big fear about next week is that he will go and file for the D and that when I come back from my trip I will arrive to find that out. I do not know that I could handle that. How should I handle this trip thing. Should I tell him where I am going or not?
Again thanks again and I look forward to your insight on this before we both (you and I) head out of town.
LStewart, I just had to respond because I've been following your posts and a lost of what your H is doing and saying sounds very familiar. My H was/is very confused about relationships and feels that he gets hurt if he is too vulnerable to feelings. I apparently hurt him with my complaints about ordinary things to do with married life, but he took everything very hard over the years and instead of doing something about it, he just bottled everything up. Now he is gone (1 year) because he made the "decision" that he would rather not be married or involved in any long term committed relationship. He thinks relationships are too "complicated" and set people up for hurt and disappointment. Classic avoidance. True, life may be less complicated but also less meaningful, I told him. We have 2 children, so I think he's not being realistic at this point either. He thinks he's back at our pre-marriage days, when you had all these options. My H thinks that staying away will solve all his problems. In the meantime, he seems busy with his own life. It has been incredibly hard for me. When I have asked him if a D would make him happy (and I've learned not to ask anymore)he says no. So I don't really know where this is all leading, because he's not working at coming back either. I read your letter. I know it's hard not to take what they say seriously, but I really think you can't. They are very confused and they bounce all these things off you to see how you'll react, so don't. Your H is still possessive about you and cares if you're seeing someone. Then 2 seconds later he's talking D again? That should tell you something. I'd say continue doing what you're doing, including the distancing while still showing him that you love him. No, I wouldn't tell him where you'll be in case of emergency. That is giving him too much security in this situation. He needs to feel your loss. He is very confused and you will just have to leave him alone for a while to sort it all out.
I will not be able to type a long reply as I am at home and this computer shuts me off after awhile so I have lost replies that I have tried to post before.
Husband came home today and we did talk. I know that we should not but he saw my suitcase here and asked where I was going, I just told him out of town and then we talk about the dogs and house being taken care of and he says that he will not be by because he is going out of town also. Well, he may be going out of town to the same state that I am going to but he is not for sure and he does not know if he is going by himself or not. Of course later on he says he does not know if he is driving to that state but he is going to do something and get away. I just hope to God it is not with the OW. Anyway we did talk about how he does feel like he did not know me in the end because of the lack of time that we had together. I told him that I was sorry that he felt that way but we could have talked about it then and possibly done something about it then. He just seems to think that No, he shut down and pulled away from me and that once he shuts down and pulls away that there is no going back and he just does not want to be married anymore. He says that he got scared after he asked me to marry him and I said that I did too, hell alot of people do. I do know that he got scared and then wrote in our book to each other that he was happy he was going to marry me and that he knew I was the best thing for him, he loved me so much, thanked God for bringing me to him, etc. etc.
OK, It's me again although I cannot tell if my other post worked or not.
Anyway, I am sure that I said too many things at the house. He mentioned calling the counselor again and just does not know why. I tell him again it is for his emotional well being and he says that I should quit worrying about him. I say that I can worry but I cannot make him do it and that I would like for him to because I think it would help him and if he will not do it for him then do it for me. I know that is not DB'ing but he always uses that line on me since all this started.
A friend of mine calls while he is here and he looks at the caller id and notices that the call is from VA and he walks out the door. I get off of the phone and go outside and he says that I did not have to get off of the phone that fast and I said that was fine I needed to go back to work and he says who was that and I said Ch**** and he says that is what I thought. I said why and he says because he is calling from VA and I said well actually he just moved there from WA and he says something about him calling and I said that he was calling to see how I was because he had heard what was going on through a friend and he says who and I said Ro*** and he says that it is so obvious why they are talking about me. (I have to tell you that these two guys are friends of mine that I did used to date at some point (one when I was very young and another a few years before I met my husband but he knows that I would never get back with Ro** and that me and Ch*** are friends. I am sorry but I did detect some jealousy there so I did not offer to tell him that Ch*** is married. I leave and go back to work and he calls me (he has not done that in a long time) he says that he is calling to tell me Hi and for me to have a nice trip next week and to be careful since I am flying, etc. He then proceeds to tell me that the obvious thing he was talking about earlier was that either one or both of those guys was wanting me. I said No they are not and he said that I was being naive. He said that he was glad that I was talking to friends and I was like what? and he says that he knows that I did not talk to them when I was married (excuse me I still am) and that I obviously must have felt deprived and I said do not go there and he said I am just messing with you and I said that I did not feel deprived and he said "Yeah" in a sarcasstic way. (the whole conversation we were laughing and teasing each other)
Anyway, either this will make him wonder and rethink some things or he will think that these friends are after me and that I maybe want them and then he will be like, "well she is fine and now I can move on". Who knows. I know that when I came home and noticed that one of the phone books was missing my immediate reaction was that maybe he was going to look in the phone book for a lawyer. Hell, he knows lawyers already in this town, but. I know that I am being paranoid, but if I go away and come back and he has filed, I don't think that I can handle it. My PMA was up and now it is going down.
He did say that he wants me to set up an appointment for him to talk to Michelle's colleague and I will tonight when I talk to him and hopefully he can speak to him tomorrow or Friday and if not it will probably have to wait until not next week but the week after that. Any insight into this latest development?
My only comment is to stop worrying about reassuring him that you aren't involved with someone. It's none of his business right now. If he wants the privileges of a husband, he has to act like one. Right? Just keep doing what you're doing and stop trying to help him feel better or more confident about you. Make him nervous. Make him miss you. Be strong. I'm glad the telephone consultations are helping and that the great people here are helping too. Michele
Jenny, it's really me, AlexN, but we're on holidays and using someone else's computer so I had to change my name. My h is being friendly and so am I, but it's clear he doesn't want to spend any time alone with me. He alternates between being affectionate and stand-offish, and I'm not sure if I have gone too far in being detached. He always hugs me now at night, and wraps himself around me, but is not going any further. Of course, that would be crude considering he wants to leave. I am feeling more than ever distanced from him, and I'm finding all sorts of thoughts and memories as to why this is not a good marriage anyway -- is that kind of thinking going to ruin chances of ever reconciling, and could I help them even if I wanted to? I sense he wants to talk about things, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The feeling I get is that he wants to talk more to see where I am in relation to how I feel about him, so that he can feel secure continuing with leaving. I want to tell him that he's iving me all sorts of mixed messages, but I'm afraid of undoing anything good I've accomplished so far. When I got upset the other night about his secrecy and the emails, he actually came over and sat beside me and was kind and affectionate, but since then, now that I've got renewed resolve about just wanting this nightmare over, I detect he's getting a bit snippy and angry. Did your h do that, and what was your response?
This will be short as I am at work and do not have much time to post. I don't know how much more of this that I can take. I am really trying to keep my PMA up, but it is so hard. I go home this morning on my way to work (I leave town on the weekends and go spend them with my family) and I noticed that my husband had been there over the weekend to pick up his mail and it looked like he had gone through some papers and I noticed that he had taken a picture of him (that was one my family took of him at our First Christmas as husband and wife). I don't know why but that really upset me. Why does he need the picture. I guess I start thinking that maybe he will give it to the OW and that really pisses me off. I feel like asking him about it and I know that is not DB'ing but I want it back. Please give me some advice on how to handle that picture and any other things that he has taken.
Hi Lisa, You sound so frustrated and I can't blame you.I hope you have followed some of the advice you have previously received on this site.
RE: the photo,I would just asked why he took the picture and ask him to return it.Tell him you would be happy to make a copy for him,but that you would like to have your original.Sounds like he may be feeling sentimental. Take care....Jenny
Actually I did have the same situation. My H wanted some pictures, I told him that I would like to keep a copy so either he could make a copy or I would. Well, he took a few pictures, but I haven't gotten the copies. I didn't say anything. H probably wants me to get mad, so I decided not to. Yeh, I was pissed, but I wasn't going to fall into the trap.
Hi Jenny,
Hope all is going well with you. What's been happening with your dbing?
Hi Kathy, Thanks for asking sabout me. DBing is still the way to success as far as I am concerned. Right now I am on my laptop while the family sleeps...we are spending some time at a beautiful beachside resort.We were here last year too.However,I was broken hearted at the time. It took about ten months of DBing to start seeing a glimmer of hope. Things are great,but now and then I have flashbacks and I feel depressed...Post traumatic stress syndrome.A year of turmoil does take a toll on one's peace of mind. Well,I am off for a bike ride...have a wonderful day...Jenny
