It's been a busy couple of days for me my vacation caused things to "stack up"...I've got a huge "to do" list.So,I m in a bit of a rush.
I leave again this weekend to go to a week long professional workshop.My time is limited again,but I will continue to stay in touch as best I can.
Lissa, I am so very sorry you received such a painful message from your H.My heart goes out to you as I know only too well what shock,disbelief and pain it must be causing you.However,my friend,you must detach from the letter and avoid overreacting.Again my advice is to tell him you are sorry he is feeling so unhappy and then drop it.Let him make all the moves re a D and avoid discussion of it. At the same time, DB like crazy and do wonderfully indulgent things for yourself.It's important that seek out good friends for support. In addition,therapy is very much in order as well as possible meds if indicated my MD.You need to take care of yourself while your H has his emotional breakdown. I still believe that if you can make yourself as dynamic and attractive as possible while maintaing some distance,that your H will be intrigued. Don't facilitate his getting a D in any way.Let him make all the moves,while at the same time protecting yourself w good legal counsel. You are walking a fine line,but can stay on top if you don't look down and stumble. His letter is emotional on many levels and I wonder if he is depressed.Most likely he is and would benefit from therapy.Encourage him to go to a solution based therapist for his own emotional growth.
Alex, I don't know if I could have held on as long as you have.Your strength has enabled you to keep your marriage from dissolving in to a divorce. ,you have been doing something right or he wouldn't have stayed this long.
It may be a last resort is in order.However,this is something only you can decide.You will know when you have had enough.I came to that point in April,when I just couldn't handle any more ups and downs and really felt that I wanted to move on w my life.I was exhausted from all the efforts I had expended to save my marriage.When I shared this w my H and calmly told him I was going away for awhile to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of my life,he made a total turn around and professed his love for me and need for our marriage.It was only after many months of DBIng and laying a good positive foundation that I felt somewhat safe in resorting to this tactic.But it was not just a tactic,I really felt that way.After reading a wonderful book (An Unfinished Woman),I felt a sense of peace and calm overcome me.I knew I needed to "find myself again" and was ready to make some changes.
Fortunately,my marriage survived and my relationship w my H improved dramatically.I thank My HP and Michele's books,messageboard and all of you for helping me to achieve success.
However,Alex,I really believe I would still feel successful if things had turned out differently.I have confidence in myself to make the best possible life I can not only for me,but for my children.
I only hope you can find some peace and a place of calm within you,too.
Good Night...Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 07-11-2000).]
