Hi Jenny, and thanks for taking the time to reply to my query. Just to straighten out any misconceptions -- I may have said to my h not to come back after he goes on that next business trip with OW, but later that evening, he was the one who said it was his choice to leave, and that he was going to do it in August anyway, after we came back from holidays. He wanted to make sure we had a reasonably nice holiday, and didn't want to spoil it with talk about his leaving. Also, when I asked him if he was waiting for her to leave her h, he hesitated, then said "she's not going to leave her h." He had made a turnaround a couple of months ago, and then has grown steadily distant again. He clearly has made his choice, that he would rather choose her friendship and his working relationship with her, than me and his family. He has said he is unhappy and that there is something missing, and that he has tried to do the responsible thing by staying. I refrained from pointing out to him that the right thing would be to sever ties with OW. You see, as a freelance consultant, he only occasionally works for the non-profit organzaiton she works for, and since he writes up all the proposals for these projects it is perfectly within his control to NOT travel with her. I have put up with this stuff now for 2 years, and despite all his friends, family and counsellors (yes, there have been more than one) telling him he must stop that relationship, he refuses to. And now he has made his choice of her over us, so there's not a whole lot I can do about it. He maintains he likes her as a friend, and always refers to that relationship as that friendship, when in fact he had admitted to me on several occasions over the past two years that he is in love with her and has never felt this way about anyone else. Then of course there are all the problems with our marriage, hism ain complaint being one of communicating, how and what we talk about. I am not very hopeful, at least not today, and I know partof that is the anger I am feeling about the continuation of their relaitonship, which I can do nothing about, and which he refuses to do anything about. He doesn't want to do any work on our marriage, despite his protestations in April that I had been so wonderful this past several months that it was his turn to work on things. It's so easy with her, because they talk the same language and obviously she makes him feel like a hero. I will be mindful of what you say re not mentioning the move, but I must also be very careful not to get my hopes up, because when I mentioned his parents told me that he said I was forcing him to leave, he said no, absolutely not, that's not fair of them to put this on you, this is 100% my decision, and I will set them straight on that. For thepast year we have been wrangling over this issue of OW, and while I have tried to relegate it to the back of my mind, the fact that he consistently chooses her, and protects her over me and our family, really rankles, and I get very angry. Because I hav submerged my anger for so long, it is now bubbling up at times, and try as I might, I sometimes don't have control over it. It's that anger that leads to my meltdowns. I also think it is very unfair of him to continue travelling with her to these countries for two and three week trips, leaving me behind and then resenting it when I ask for him to spend time with me. Her husband is also not pleased with her relationship my h, because apparently she has done this kind of thing before -- my h protects her further by saying she has been betrayed by a few men before (even though she's been with her h since she was 16). I know he is still tied to me, especially since he doesn't have flesh and blood to go to (at least not that I know of), but what worries me is that if we continue in this vein, he will eventually find someone else, and I'd rather he go out on his own now, because i think the most dangerous relationships are the ones that are formed when you are already in a partnership elsewhere, and those are the ones that don't burn out easily because they are formed in secrecy. If he goes now, it will be just as if he is dating all over again, as he did in his 20s, and that may not be what he tinks it's going to be. I'd rather he get it over with so he can come back to me (if he does) knowing that this is truly a good thing he has here. Then again, maybe if he goes he will get used to being on his own, so I am caught between a rock and a hard place. As for intimacy, I keep thinking maybe it will make a difference, but we've tried that these last two years, and it hasn't made a difference, and the last crisis period of seven months, we had no sex, so I don't know if anything is effective. Obviously, I'm going to have to feel what is right for me, and not for this marriage. Oh I am discouraged, though I will hold on to your words, Jenny, and I thank you for them.
