Thanks for asking about me. I thought that I would update you all on the awful things that have been happening. My husband called me at work last Thursday (he was at the house thinking I would be coming home for lunch I informed him that I had already had lunch and would not be home) he said that he had written me a letter that I would not like. He proceeded to tell me some of the things that were in the letter. One of the things that I found interesting that he said is that he hates thinking of me at the house having to look at the pictures of the two of us together because he knows that it must kill me to have to look at them because it kills him to have to come in the house and have to look at them. He says this after he says that he just does not love me like that. He wishes that this would not have happened this way but there is nothing that he can do about it. He just changes and it (marriage) is just not what he wants right now. He doesn't feel like he wants to do anything (to try and fix things). He doesn't want to do anything. He says that he tried with me and I pushed him away but he does not blame me. He wished that he felt for me but he does not right now. He said that the other OW is pushing and pulling on him (she is aggravating him because he belongs to me because I am his wife. He said that I do not push or pull on him. He knows that I am living my life right now and he is trying to live his life in another town and I live in another town (most of the time) and we have the four dogs and a house that he is not at and he hates work and he is being pushed and he does not want to hurt anyone and he is not happy right now. If he gets a divorce maybe that will be closure and then he can figure things out. He says that he does not want the other OW, He just does not want to hurt anyone. He is not happy with himself. He wishes that I did not love him because that would be easier for him. He said that he could leave her tomorrow and would not care but he does not think it would change his feelings for me. He did say that he would be willing to talk to someone (a therapist)because he says he just does not know what to do but he feels like he is stringing me along and he does not want to do that. He knows he is not happy and would be willing to talk to a therapist to see if that would help. He wants me to leave him the name and number of the person that I talk to (a colleague of Michelle's). I went ahead and told him that I have plans for the week that he is off and so he will need to take care of the dogs. He sounded surprised that I was going away and he said that he will be going somewhere for a couple of days because he needs to get away from everyone. At the end of the conversation he acts like he should not call the therapist because he does not know why he should call. Anyway I will post the letter below that he wrote me. Please bear with me this letter is long, but I really would like your opinion on it. I have been told to ignore the letter. I will tell you all that I went to the house this morning (I leave on the weekends and go to my families) and he has moved out more stuff (the cologne that I love, more clothes, etc). It killed me to see more stuff gone and just reinforced in my mind that I just need to accept that my marriage is over. I do not want it to be but I do not see that I have a choice anymore. Here is the letter:
July 5, 2000
Lissa,
Hey! How are you? Well I’m alright I guess- I’ve been gone all weekend, away from pretty much everyone and everything and I done a considerable amount of soul searching. You always told me that I communicated best when I was writing, so I decided to write you this letter and tell you how I really feel- no holds barred- I won’t have to look into your eyes and see the confusion and the hurt. I still cant seem to open up to you when your standing in front of me.
Lissa, first of all I care so very much about you and I always will. I still love you but not the way you deserve and definitely not the way I should. Somewhere we got lost, it wasn’t your fault and I don’t blame myself either. We were both wrong at some point, and both wrong with the way we dealt with it. I tried to communicate verbally but you would close up. I never liked to see you hurt or see you mad at me so I would just shut up and let it go hoping you would come around or it would change. I took your depression as my fault and it was very personal to me. At one point I loved you so very much but I just kept pulling further into myself since I felt I couldn’t reach you. I have never been able to be a confrontational person with someone I love, so I just closed up and put up walls. I know you have been to therapy and counseling and all of that and it seems like you have learned a lot, and I know you think you can bring me around but it probably ain’t going to happen.
I just don’t want this anymore. I want to be your friend and that’s it for right now. I don’t want to be married anymore. I know you keep telling me that you’ll be mad at me if I just quit our marriage, but I can’t stand the thought of stringing you along when I know don’t want it. I’ve changed- and I’m sorry- but my heart isn’t in this anymore. I would give anything to tell you that I can feel that way about you again but I don’t think I can. I never wanted to hurt you or see you cry but if I stay with you and pretend Lissa, I would only hurt you and myself even more. I want to be happy and I’m not. Please forgive me, I’m so very sorry, and please don’t hate me. You deserve so much in life and I want you to have it, I want you to have it all. I will help you with anything I can possibly help you with and I still want to be in touch in some form, if you still want to, but that’s all I can promise. I’ve made some unforgivable mistakes and it would haunt me forever and it would always be in the back of your mind also.
I want to talk to an attorney pretty soon and see what needs to happen or maybe we can do this as friends and save lots of money and I can help you out more that way but it is up to you. I don’t want to fight. I’ve had enough of that in my life. I’ll give you anything you want, the house, furniture, whatever you want. I don’t want you to need anything. Hopefully this is the biggest mistake I ever made and whenever my mind is stable I can find you and I can still be your friend but right now I want to be alone- not married. I don’t want to drag this out, hell, I’ve been gone for almost 3 months and I don’t feel any different. I’m not going to change and I’m not so sure I can. You don’t deserve to be alone every night, not knowing where I’m at or what I’m doing and I want to put an end to that. Please move on- if not for yourself Lissa- do it for me- it’s killing me. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy or just a little insane. I want you to be happy Lissa! Please don’t hate me for what has to be done. It wouldn’t be fair to you for me to stay.
With all my apologies! Jeff
I will let you all read the letter and respond. Michelle, if you read this please comment. I would really appreciate it. Thanks everyone. My PMA has gone down the tubes. I just don't know what to do anymore, but give upo and move on. I am not ready to, but I feel maybe I should. I love my husband and want him back, but he is not going to work on things, so what now?
