I am back from the most wonderful vacation w my H and children.It was a complete change from last summer's "torture trip".
We had a terrific week together,enjoying each other and a beautiful locale.My H was romantic,affectionate and even surprised me with an exquisite piece of jewlery.(Pinch me,I must be dreaming)We have decided to take another week in August and I am so happy.
Last summer,my H was soooo miserable w me and "couldn't stand being married to me any longer".He couldn't even tolerate posing in the same photo w me.He said he had never loved me and couldn't remember why he married me.(This hurt me deeply, after 16 yrs of marriage)Ouch!
It's unpleasant to remember those torment filled days.But you see,that was not my real H.He was an imposter and a very sick man.I felt sorry for him and focused on memories of who he used to be.
My fellow DBer's, that is why I can forgive his past behavior now!It was a manifestation of an emotional crisis... symptoms of an illness.(In his case a MLC)
I spent hours on this board reaching out for support and acceptance.I am convinced it saved my sanity.This "24/7" support was essential in providing me w a lifeline during the most painful period of my life.
In additon,I read countless books which provided me w hope and energized my efforts to save my failing marriage.(At this point my house looks like a Barnes and Noble). (Mind you,my H didn't read these bookks...I did.My H refused to do anything proactive,including therapy.I went by myself!)
A comment on "going dark" a term that Step referred to on my thread...I never used that approach and see it as more of a 180 or last resort,in some cases.Every situation is similar,but different!
Step,I wonder if you are listening to what your H is telling you.He comments on life being full of chaos when you are around.It seems he feels torn and is unhappy.That could be the result of the strength of his feelings for you on some level he is not aware of.Keep filling him with love while allowing him the space he needs to figure things out for himself.No one can compete with his beautiful and confident wife.
In terms of the needy quality that many of the OW seem to display,it is the spouses' tremendously low self esteem that draws them like magnets to these "helpless creatures", who enable them to feel like "heroes" again.At one time YOU made them feel like a hero....remember?
Most of us are strong dynamic people who sparkle w personality and energy.Did we leave them behind at some point?
BTW,I never disappeared or had "no contact w my spouse".Instead,I made myself unavailable on weekends.Since,I was working in a hospital my H had no grounds to complain when he had solo time w our children.(He did "want out of our marriage",didn't he?)
I found that rekindling my career made an enormous difference in my life and helped w my ability to deatch from drama on the homefront.I felt needed and repected again!People actually liked me and looked forward to seeing me!
The most incredible thing happened...my H started to miss me and displayed some jelousy....Yes!!!!It was then I knew that I had to continue in the same direction...keep doing what works!
Alex...I had many "backslides" and I refused to let it get me down.I just got right back to DBing without hesitation.I never apologized,just picked up where I had left off.Believe,I made some huge DB errors.Unfortunately,I had to learn for myself that Michele's "solution based" approach works.These backslides probably cost me some time ,but in the long run everything was OK!
Alex,I am trying to tell you to forget what ever you told him about moving out.Don't bring it up.Just knock his socks off w good DBing and in increasing intimacy in any way you feel comfortable with.He will not leave.
BTW,my H still works w the troublemaker OW and I do not give her a second thought.She's no threat to me as my marriage is closer and better than ever.Remember,it was never about her...it was about him!Alex,I am so very impressed w your demonstrated mastery of certain DBing techniques.Been there..done that...and it works.
Kathy,keep reading and posting,but take time for some fun for yourself,too.
LStewart,how are you doing.I know how upsetting your situation is and how very frightened you must be.However,try not to "micro manage" your H's reactions and please relax.
Talk to you later,my friends Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 07-09-2000).]
Jenny
