OK, I really hope that I have not blown things. I saw my husband today. I know that I did a major backslide and should not have gone home for lunch, but he called and he was going to mow the lawn and so I did go by the house. I am in a real funk due to PMS. Or at least I hope that is part of the problem. Anyway, my husband had said to me on the phone yesterday and today that if I needed to talk about anything he would be home. He did call me yesterday to tell me about how he thinks he tore his rotator cuff at work and how work is awful and he needs to go back and finish getting his degree so he will have something to fall back on.
Well of course I go home and we both eat lunch at the same time and talked about what we were doing this weekend. He is going to the lake with friends and I told him that I was also going to a lake although I did not know which one yet with friends. (I lied, I don't have plans for this weekend except to hang out with my family-I tried to set stuff up with friends but they were all going out of town).
Well, I go to leave to go back to work and I start with anti-DB'ing technique of "You had said if I needed to talk we could, is there something that you want to talk about?" To which he replies that we need to talk but not today and of course I push (Damn this PMS, I even filled out my timesheet wrong today at work) to talk and I said you know we really need to go out sometime as friends and do something fun and he says he knows, but.....I said what don't you want to? and he replies that he doesn't know. He says that he just doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore and he doesn't know if that will change. He doesn't know about the institution of marriage. He says that he likes me and says that towards the end (before he said he wanted to separate) that he would look at me and feel like he did not know me- I said was it because I changed and he said it was that and also because we did not have that much time to spend with each other-you see we work different shifts and saw each other at lunch and on the weekends). I said something to the effect of yeah people change and they have to adjust and get to know each other again and talk about it and stuff like if he felt like he maybe liked another person more than me and he says that had nothing to do with it and that yeah he hangs out with OW and they work out at gym and hang out and I said that we could work out at gym and hang out and he says that yeah, OW would probably marry him tomorrow if she could, but he does not want that. He is listening to me and then he says that "You really want to be married don't you?" to which I reply that yeah, I took a vow for better or worse and he says I know I took a vow also, but I changed and you changed. I did say to him that I or him or anyone else could think that they are going to marry or be with someone for years and years and always 24/7 be "In love" with the butterfly feelings and always missing each other and always wanting to be with that person at every moment of the day that they could , but that was an unrealistic expectation because life does happen and, it's not about did I make the right decision to marry this person, you have to make the decision right. Things do change and you have to recognize that and try to be friends and always remember to keep doing the fun things and that sometimes you have to "act as if" and feelings can change for the better.
He says that we will talk next week, and I say well maybe instead of talking we need to go and hang out and do stuff as friends. He does not know. I then suggested that maybe when we talked, we could have a "Mediator" he said what a mediator? (like he was stunned-thinking I was talking aobut a divorce mediator) and I said not a divorce mediator, maybe a therapist. It could be on the phone with him. He says, but we don't fight so why do we need him? I just dropped it and didn't say anything. He says again that he wants to be friends and talk to me and if things change and they work out and we get back together (he means divorce now and still be friends) then that if great, but..... I went back to work and I felt like crap that I had done all of these non'DB'ing methods and I again call him and said "I am sorry, but I think that I am PMS'ing so you just caught me at a bad day and he said he thought that something was wrong because normally I don't want to talk about it and he does. He said You know this is not easy for me, I feel like I'm being ripped apart. There is nowhere that I can go and relax. I said that he could come to the house and relax when I am not there if he would like and he says no he can't relax there either because that is our house. I told him to remember that we were friends and that sometimes lately when we have been together it has been relaxed more. Sometime it's not and sometimes it is and that is ok. Maybe if we hung out more together then we could both learn to relax. He said that he would call me next week and I could tell him a time that we can get together and talk.
OK, Now I really need to get your all's take on how to fix what I have done or how to handle it if he wants to get together to talk or what to do. I feel like even though at times I have seen baby steps that he is still really moving towards a divorce and I don't want that. He says that he always thinks about all of this at work (he works at a factory) and that nothing is changing. I of course feel like if he would quit thinking about it negatively then he would maybe feel different and how are things changing if he won't spend time with me and try to have fun and try to work this out. If he thinks he doesn't know if he wants to be married all the time then it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I did ask him if he felt like he wished that he wanted things to work out and he said that he did not know if he did. How does one person go from being in love with someone and thinking they are the best thing to ever happen to them and then just forget that? Please you all, I really need your expert advice even though at times, I forget it and go against my better judgement but it is hard to not just want to tell him to stay in this marriage and fight for it. How did you all stay in and want it when it seemed like they did not? It is so hard to not take it personal. Please someone, respond to this, I really need some help right now.
