Don't particularly have any advice for you at the moment, but wanted to respond to something you asked about in your post above.
I remember VERY distinctly standing in the kitchen, looking at my XW in January about two weeks before the divorce, and thinking to myself just what you said, "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?"
I think that particular moment was one of the absolute worst for me in this whole roller coaster ride. I remember going out to the barn and literally collapsing and crying for almost half an hour. It seems worse than finding out about the affair. It was a very disturbing moment and realization for me. At that time, she was a complete and total stranger to me, and to top it off, not a person who I found to be at all attractive at that point in time.
So, I just wanted to tell you that you are not losing your mind, this feeling really does happen. I have seen other people on this board express it as well.
I thank the Lord that my situation has changed. My wife that I remember and shared so many good times with is back inhabiting my XW's body now! It is so nice to have her back.
I'm just about to bring up Retrouvaille to her (there is one session scheduled here in town in September). I think we're getting things (in terms of Dr. Harley's emotional needs theories) back on track very well. Now it is time for communication, to replace our previous form of non-communication which we both did so well.
I just hope she will learn to trust me again to the extent that she may someday open up to me about her affair. She doesn't know that I know about it yet, and I hate carrying this secret around with me, but I don't want to be the one to bring up the subject of the affair. I just wonder what her timetable might turn out to be about revealing it. I know it could be months, even years. I will have to wait and see. This will be the real test of my patience.
By the way, friends and family always mean well, but until they have been on this ride themselves, they DON'T know what we are feeling, or even thinking, and you can't convince them otherwise, no matter how much you explain sometimes. Listen closely to the people on this board, we have lived on this ride, and some people have even lived a ride almost exactly like yours. Take advantage of every bit of info you can get here. I know the people on this board and at my church have been the only ones who had any understanding of what I was feeling at all. All I got from friends, family, therapist and doctor was negative feedback, and had I followed some or all of it, I would not be in the remarkable postion I am now - getting back together with my wife!
