I am in no position today to offer much help to you but I would like to point out two things. First, it's great you are getting IC. It WILL help you. Second, while it is GREAT that she is opening up to you and telling you R things that you can right down, etc, those are things that you need to file away for a future when you have an R to use them in. The changes you are looking to make TODAY are the ones you discover on your own. They are changes that you are going to make that will positively impact your life, with or without her in it. Ultimately, they WILL impact her life as well but you CANNOT make them for that reason. This is the first, and hardest step of DB in my opinion; realizing that it HAS to be self determined AND self motivated in order to be true. If you changes all come from her, or what she says, they will be tainted. She doesn't REALLY know what she wants right now but life with you seems to be what she doesn't want. She THINKS she knows who you are and what you are in your marriage but you need to shake that belief. You need to show her that you are a man with his own ideas and life.
I think you are on the right track. If she does initiate R talk, listen, take notes if you want but make sure that whatever changes you make are based on what YOU want from yourself, NOT what she wants. I suspect you being too much of what you thought she wanted helped get you here in the first place.
Thank you Grasshopper, those are good words of advice. I have realized a lot of things over the past week that I need to change not just in our relationship but everyone around me for a long time. Today I've been happy to know that I have been 99.9% of the problem and I need to fix myself but not for her or this will just replay later on in my life. I've been reading DR and all I can say is wow it's some powerful stuff.
I am really worried though on Mothers Day she wants to break the news to her Grand parents and Aunts while we are both there that we are getting seperated. I think I really need to think about that situation and tread very lightly. Any advice would be great!
Quote: Thank you Grasshopper, those are good words of advice. I have realized a lot of things over the past week that I need to change not just in our relationship but everyone around me for a long time. Today I've been happy to know that I have been 99.9% of the problem and I need to fix myself but not for her or this will just replay later on in my life. I've been reading DR and all I can say is wow it's some powerful stuff.
Yes, it is. You may not be 99.9% of the problem but 100% of your part of it is, if that makes sense. Realizing that you have personal issues to address is a great place to start.
Quote: I am really worried though on Mothers Day she wants to break the news to her Grand parents and Aunts while we are both there that we are getting seperated. I think I really need to think about that situation and tread very lightly. Any advice would be great!
Well, two things. First, if she wants to tell them, there is nothing you can really do to stop her. Second, if you don't want to tell them, and it's probably best to keep as few people in the loop as possible, then try to talk her into not telling them.
In the end, like I said, you can't really control what she says or does so I wouldn't fight it too much. This is one of those unfortunate byproducts of separation. People will fine out.
I'd first like to thank you again GH and everyone else!
Well, It's been quite a few days and I'm beginning to cope with what is happening, I've learned a lot about myself and my Wife. I've made some breakthroughs.
First I've realized I've been depressed this whole time and didn't even know it. I read a post on here from mamabear about mens depression and that's me. So I have set up councling sessions and will start going next week. Me an my wife had a big blow up because she took the kids around the OM I was very fragile and upset and didn't use techniques I should have but my daughter came talking to me about it. However a HUGE breakthrough, she is not going to pursue this other relationship until Divorce is over. Good and bad I guess. good news for the kids that she will not be negleting them like she was and good news for me cause now I can DB my ass off without distractions of this OM. She also told me yesterday that If we both have not moved on in 3 years that we would be back together. I guess even though that sucks it gives me hope I can change myself into a better person and she will once again fall in love with me and vice versa. The bad news is she seems to be pursuing seperation a lot more, finding an APT ect... She just says it's to wierd with us anymore, but yesterday was a good day I was happy and upbeat we laughed quite a bit, and I'm opening my eyes up to lots of things. I've already read 150 pages of DR and like 60 in DB. She also wanted the book when I mentioned I found this great self help book for relationships and she said it was cool as long it wasn't a book about MLC or something like that. Was this bad? I bought her a copy and she has seen me reading it. She thinks its great that I'm trying to fix myself but only time will tell if I really change.
Personally I think this is all very positive even though she can't trust me or count on me that she is noticing change for the better. (she told me this) I know talk is cheap only in my actions can I show change. So I'm just going with the seperation and will give her what help she needs financially, mentally and physically cause that's all I feel I can do.
I am also keeping a personal journal of my feelings and writing down as much information as possible as to things that were wrong and right with our relationship. For a long time I've been a very boxed up person not expressing feelings. It feels good I can finally show my feelings.
Thanks to everyone, For the first time in a long time I'm feeling good about the things I'm doing and will continue following DR and DB.
Quote: First I've realized I've been depressed this whole time and didn't even know it.
Good to understand just what you may be up against with your biggest, badest opponent...you.
Quote: However a HUGE breakthrough, she is not going to pursue this other relationship until Divorce is over.
Um, I think you may know this already, and not to be harsh, but I don't really believe this. Sorry, but I think she may be telling you what you want to hear. Once she moves out, just be prepared to see signs that things are not "waiting" for a D. She COULD be telling the truth, I am just warning you to go on with DB and not make that a condition for your positive outlook. It will be GREAT for you if she keeps her word but...
Quote: She also told me yesterday that If we both have not moved on in 3 years that we would be back together.
Huh? Why 3 years? Strange...
Quote: She also wanted the book when I mentioned I found this great self help book for relationships and she said it was cool as long it wasn't a book about MLC or something like that. Was this bad?
Not really if she asked for it but then again, she'll now know all the things you are doing as you do them. Dunno how that will work for or against you. I do have a question, why did she qualify that it not be a book on MLC? That, coupled with the earlier statment about 3 years and you'll be back together makes me think SHE thinks she's going through MLC since 3 years is a number I hear associated with MLC a lot.
Quote: She just says it's to wierd with us anymore
This is the part your working on you will help fix. Once YOU stop BEING weird and start making personal improvments, THINGS will be less weird between you.
Quote: I know talk is cheap only in my actions can I show change. So I'm just going with the seperation and will give her what help she needs financially, mentally and physically cause that's all I feel I can do.
Yes, actions DO speak volumes and the fact that your W is telling you this is good because it means she will be looking for your changes. Do what you can do, try to stay positive and move forward.
Quote: Um, I think you may know this already, and not to be harsh, but I don't really believe this. Sorry, but I think she may be telling you what you want to hear. Once she moves out, just be prepared to see signs that things are not "waiting" for a D. She COULD be telling the truth, I am just warning you to go on with DB and not make that a condition for your positive outlook. It will be GREAT for you if she keeps her word but...
Yes I completely understand this and is just telling me what I want to hear. I guess if it helps me feel better that really can't be a negative no matter what her intentions. The things she wants to do (apartment and such) she will come to the realization she can't financially and I can't make money appear from no where.
Quote: Huh? Why 3 years? Strange...
I think again this is something she said to give me hope to make it through right now.
Quote: Not really if she asked for it but then again, she'll now know all the things you are doing as you do them. Dunno how that will work for or against you. I do have a question, why did she qualify that it not be a book on MLC? That, coupled with the earlier statment about 3 years and you'll be back together makes me think SHE thinks she's going through MLC since 3 years is a number I hear associated with MLC a lot.
Well personally I think it is, I had broght it up one time when this all first started. She doesn't want to feel like I'm giving her a book about her depression or MLC or anything like that. The book I was going to give to her was DR and not DB she doesn't even know about that one. I thought maybe DR would help her understand where she is coming from and think things through a little more to understand this is a two way street. I don't even expect her to pick it up until she's ready to change also.
Quote: This is the part your working on you will help fix. Once YOU stop BEING weird and start making personal improvments, THINGS will be less weird between you.
Yes I am working very hard on not being wierd even if I have to fake it for now. She said to me this OM is someone she can laugh and be happy with nothing sexual or anything else like she told me she went to his house and watched a movie and laughed through the whole thing ect.. ect... So I am going to work very hard to become that person. Makes it so much easier not being a sexual thing. Much easier knowing if that's what she's looking for that I can meet those needs so when I'm around her, I'm just being very loose and making her laugh. It's would be a lot harder trying to give her those romantic needs as me doing those things would just push her away.
Quote: Yes, actions DO speak volumes and the fact that your W is telling you this is good because it means she will be looking for your changes. Do what you can do, try to stay positive and move forward.
This is the master plan! 6 months is a long time to make changes and even if she drifts a little apart maybe she will second guess her decisions a little bit if I can be a fun person to be around again.
Mike, you may have had the good luck to jump on this site, and read those books, in a timely fashion. I think the OM caution from GH is a good one, so prepare yourself to find out it ain't over til it's over. One HUGE piece of advice: DO NOT BACKSLIDE on using the DR principals. If I'd have read these books two months before I did, there'd be no Deezee on this forum! Also, be cautious of any therapy that has you reliving every old argument you never settled. Just work on today, tomorrow, and the future, and work on YOU - working on her is transparent to her. Again, be strong and DON"T BACKSLIDE! Good luck - we're in this together. If you read my stuff, you'll find I was depressed as well, and too dumb to know it!!!!
Man, I hate to be "this guy" to you, the one always pointing out the negative when you're trying to be positive, but I feel the need to do so, just like some of the best people trying to help me did on my threads.
So, what I am trying to say is that you said how it's a lot easier since it's not physical, in other words, not a PA with OM and your W. Don't believe that, or at the very least, don't let THAT fact make it easier on you. What you need to realize is that YOUR feelings are not governing her actions right now so if she decides to make it physical, or already has, then you will not likely be consulted.
In my sitch, my W has always said it was only a EA. Now, like you, I jumped on that and thought right away that "oh, it THAT's all it is then..." Well, first of all, an EA can be much worse, and second of all, they lie. I decided that I was just going to "believe" my W for the time being but in my mind, I had to understand that the truth of it only being an EA could be temporary or totally untrue and I needed to DB with that in mind.
I had to focus on me without reguard to her situation. I could not use ANYTHING she told me to motivate me or influence me because we were not in a relationship affording either of us that kind of influnece anymore. OT talks a lot about this concept of defining what kind of R you are in and then acting accordingly.
I think you need to listen intently to your W and get all the info you can because she is telling you in direct and indirect ways things you can use to examine yourself and decide what to do from here. What I don't think you should do is put ANY of your eggs, let alone ALL of them into a basket woven by anything she says right now.
Believe nothing they say and only half of what you see... I think it goes like that. Basically, do it for you because what they say, do or think may change from minute to minute and if you are "attached" to them in that way, you are sure to be in for a much more extreme rollercoaster ride.
All in all, I think you are doing VERY well and it's really nice to see you "getting" it so early on.
