Well I'm pretty new to these forums and came here because I thought I had a walk away wife. However it turns out she is having an EA she says she would never cheat on me but this person she feels no expectations of and can cry on his shoulders.
I think that story has changed quite a bit over the first week of all this. She has now started going out to bars and dancing and yesterday I went over to where she was staying to tell her and friend about how I felt to blame for all this and I was going to give her space. However when I got there she wasn't there (she promised the kids she would take them somewhere and didn't). When I got there her friend said she's not here and I said I figured as much but the friend assured me she is not having an affair and wouldn't sleep with this person. Also 3 times while at her house all she really said to me was I'm not having an affair I would never do that to you, Never did I pry or even seem to care mind you so I know she feels guilt. So I believe she's not sleeping with OM but she is emotionally attached to him. For our kids sake I told her we could be friends but she is not emotionally there for me and I have a lot of things to work on but please don't take that out on them.
How do I hide these feelings of jealosy and anger. Last night for the third night in a row she went out with this friend and I assume OM. I haven't been able to sleep in days and I'm very tired so I went somewhat haywire asking why can't I have a second chance and what did I do to deserve this. I KNOW big mistake but I'm exausted emotionally physically. I feel like I've lost my best friend which we were up until a week ago. She is giving her friend advice about her current relationship of 3 months which are things that would fix our marriage and that really hurts.
Also I took a job last week that is going to move me across the country in 6 months. I will be flying back and forth once a month and moving in 6 months. This is all happening so fast. Just the week previous we were looking for houses and having dreams. WTF
Do I continue with this new job or stay here for our 2 Children???
We don't have much time. I've got DB'ing and am reading it but this sucks I don't have years to work on this I have 6 months then I hit rock bottom lose my wife, my family and everything that it was.
I know she is scared to move to NJ and all her family is here and she is very hurting right now. Yesterday she was walking hunchbacked cause her Ulser was so flared up and sick to her stomach but as soon as the Friend called she popped up and went out dancing. WTF
She wants to continue to live in the house until it sells do I let her or do I tell her she needs to move out? She wants me to continue to put gas in her car buy her things she needs do I continue to do all that? I know she needs her space but her space is about to be huge with me moving I'm very scared and want to try to GAL but I have focused on our marriage for years and our friends are now going to take her side... Can't they see she is having an Affair? She says everyone will take her side including our Baby sitter which is a preacher. I feel like I can't even tell them my side of the story.
I am going to GAL and she has already noticed a huge change in me so far so I think thats good. Thursday I gave her my ring and told her that when she was ready she could give it back to me and I may accept it or I may have moved on and I will tell her honestly at that point but big changes needed to be made in both our lives that I simply wouldn't take her back if she hasn't changed also. Was this the right thing to do?
Sorry for my ranting. I plan on keeping a daily journal with this thread as I feel the OM is what she is leaning toward and why all of a sudden this happened out of the blue and caused the "I never loved you" vibes.
Let me just add a few things because my W is really confusing me. She told her I would sleep on the couch but she says this is my home too and said if I don't sleep in the bed she would leave tomorrow yet she is sleeping there too... Does this mean anything? Also I work from home but when she tried to call me on Thursday I wasn't here (at a clients office) and she kept questioning where I was even though I told her where I was going to be the night before. Does this mean anything? Saying she does still care but my actions are going to ultimatly decide what happens?
I feel for you man. Women can really drive us crazy. It will be hard for you to leave your family but you have 6 months to work things out. My W tells me the same thing, stay for the kids but give me space. She is also having an EA with someone across the country that used to live by us. I wish I had all the answers but sometimes time is the only cure. I am trying to give my W space and it is hard but it does work somewhat as she is less uptite around me. Your W still cares if she is asking you these questions so don't lose faith. I'm leaving my situation in God's hands.
Well today I had a breakthrough! I had a personal breakthrough. I went out today to race and I realized something huge and when I got home I explained it to my W. I had the breakthrough that I don't have to be upset because I know I gave it 110% and I filled her wants and needs. She needs and wants to be with that other person that's fine I am filling her wants and needs just like I did through the whole relationship. I told her I could forgive her for lots of things including the EA, her coldness her bitterness. But I would not forgive her for giving up on me when she did not give 110% and that's what will get me through knowing I did everything I could filling her every want and need including this one and I think that she will think about that. I will have peace in knowing that fact, she can do what ever she wants but I did this for her and I'm sure that will eat at her for years to come. I wasn't trying to hurt her but I needed closure to detach. For the first time in a long time she held me and cryed. She hasn't done that for years and years. Of course I pushed her away some with this conversation but if now I truely can detach and not lose more sleep over it and have my feelings hurt she will see that and realize it someday. Maybe she won't see that for years but someday she will see it when someone hurts her as bad as she has hurt me. The good thing is I will be over it right here and now and will still be in her life without us hating each other and being friends.
Oh well I'm happy now and feel like I'm at peace. Just like today she tried to hide the fact she talked to him for 46 minutes today while I was gone. (Deleted callerid) Guess she didn't realize she left the Vonage call log up on her computer. I just fluffed it off and laughed knowing I gave her every last want and need she had.
Ok because I figure she would only read between the lines of my talk with her I made the points plain and clear of what I was trying to say. Did I do wrong by this? For the first time I am at peace with anything she does to me cause I know I did everything even let her go if that's what she wanted. Did I shoot myself in the foot? or do better for the long run?
Quote:
Some things may have gotten misconstrued cause I’m not the best person with words yet. So I will make things short and to the point about what I was trying to tell you.
1. This affair and anything else you do to hurt me isn’t going to bring me down because I am at peace knowing I am filling your every want and need even letting you go no matter how bad that hurts me. I am numb to it now, just like it doesn’t bug me you slept at his house, or whatever you did last night or even the fact you talked to him for 45 minutes while I was gone.
2. I may never be able to forgive you for giving up on me. There are only a couple things I know of that would fix that.
3. I can forgive you for everything but you need to ask me for that forgiveness in order for me to do that. I may not be able to give that forgiveness yet but if it’s sincere I probably would.
4. You say you gave it 110% but you never poured you heart to me to let me see that desire. I am at peace knowing I did that and it didn’t work I must go on and not get down on that I can’t change you.
5. I will be your friend or whatever you want when you want it but I am stopping all your expectations for my needs, wants, and desires. I do have other expectations from you with the kids and other things but none from me.
6. I want you to be happy, and to over these 13-14 years of pain in your life and I hope me letting you go fixes that I don’t believe it will but I honestly hope it does.
7. It will make me happy and will find more piece and forgiveness for it and anything you want me to do to help I will do just ask.
8. I do not want this so I will not be pushing anything forward as far as us breaking up, moving out or divorce except the things I have to do to move my life forward. If you want those things I’m ready to give them to you if that’s what you truly want and need.
I’m sorry if this hurts you but this is the truth, I know your emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. This is going to be the last conversation about our relationship that I will be striking up until you can talk to me about it. So please you be at peace that you are getting exactly what you want and need. I’m sure someday when you’re ready to talk about it you will. I will be your friend I am a better listener than I ever have been and I won’t judge you for whatever is on your mind.
BTW if I was way out of line someone let me know fast because I can change the E-mail and delete the old one out of her account. So if anyone reads this I'm begging to get a reply asap so I can fix it if I'm making more damage than good.
Delete the email if you can. It's full of anger and not going to help you get her back, if that's what you want. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish with the email and let us know. To me, it seems as though you're writing it to make yourself feel better temporarily.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: This affair and anything else you do to hurt me isn’t going to bring me down because I am at peace knowing I am filling your every want and need even letting you go no matter how bad that hurts me. I am numb to it now, just like it doesn’t bug me you slept at his house, or whatever you did last night or even the fact you talked to him for 45 minutes while I was gone.
So, you are going to brag about the fact that you snooped on her and that you know that she talked to him. How is that going to help? You are also bragging that she can't hurt you -- how does saying nanny-nanny-boo-boo help? Also, you cannot possibly have filled her "every want and need" ... she clearly has emotional needs that you have not met, such as the need to feel secure in your love and not feel like you still love your ex.
Quote: I may never be able to forgive you for giving up on me. There are only a couple things I know of that would fix that.
Well, the first thing I will tell you is that you should work on forgiving her. If you decide to hold grudges, you won't get anywhere. Secondly, why would you tell her that anyway?
Quote: I can forgive you for everything but you need to ask me for that forgiveness in order for me to do that. I may not be able to give that forgiveness yet but if it’s sincere I probably would.
This is pathetic. You are arrogantly setting yourself up as superior to her. She must beg you to forgive her? Mike, you need to get off your pedestal and realize how significantly you have contributed to the destruction of your marriage.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Ok took your guys advice and deleted it... I'm just trying to detach and GAL.
I guess I still have lots to learn and yes I see how somethings are selfish that I said. Last week all week I begged and pleaded and poored my heart out and it seemed to push her farther away.
Mike, I know that doing nothing goes against your natural instincts, but it's the best thing right now. Don't tell her that you aren't going to contact her again ... just give her space for a little while. Believe me when I tell you that I know how hard it is, but it will get easier.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
