Thank you so much to both of you for responding. If anyone else wants to respond then your comments are welcome.
Baker, I believe that you are right in many ways about the whole needy thing, however let me tell you a little bit more about my situation. When all of this started my husband said that one of the things that attracted him to me in the first place was when he first saw me, he said that I looked like I "owned the world". He said that I was so independent that it was like I did not need anyone else to make me happy because I was fine with myself. Well as our marriage went on and I was depressed he felt that I only turned to him to make me happy and that I was "absorbed into him" (his words). He did actually use the words (she needs me) when talking about this girl. He says that he thought that although he knew that I loved him he did not think that I wanted him anymore because when I was depressed I pushed him away to a certain extent. Now he recognizes and has even told me that I am turning into the woman that he met and fell in love with and married. He even told me on 6-19 that he had never ever met anyone like me (this after he tells me he has dated since our separation and I did not freak out in fron of him).
He says that he just does not know if he is the person that can make me happy. You see he says that after he married me and I moved away from my family and friends and left my old job for a new one that has just recently started to turn into a good thing (before I had bosses leaving left and right and never really had too much to do) that this is when I became depressed and it is all his fault. If he had never married me then I would not be depressed. What kind of sense does this make? I became depressed because yes, this was an adjustment and with us being on different shifts it made it even harder. (We are still on different shifts by the way) Instead of finding things to do and making friends down here and staying independent, I did nothing. I sat on the couch each night and ate and watched TV. I gained weight and really became a negative person. I was always complaining about soemthing hurting. Anyway, it was not my husband that made me depressed. Yes, I would love to spend more time with him, but I knew that eventually we would both be on the same shift and that we had the rest of our lives together. I now know that I did not nurture myself which really made me not nurture our friendship or our marriage. I am not saying that he did nothing wrong, it was both of us and I know that we are both 100% responsible for where this marriage went. He keeps asking me why would I still want to be married to him and I tell him that it is because I do love him and because I made a vow "for better or worse".
I know that he sees the changes that I am making, he commented the other day that I normally would have put my "walls up" when our conversation turned the way it did the other day, and that I did not do it. I commented that I knew that I did not and that was because I was really working on me and that I had learned a lot. He said "Yeah, but if we got back together you would do it again". I simply stated that I could not promise that I never ever would, but that I was really learning and that I would definitely not handle things the way that I used too.
My husband also believes that if you are in love with someone then your stomach should always turn flips when you see that person and that you should miss them all the time. (he thinks that because he does not always do those things with me that he is not "in love with me." I told him that falling in love and being in love are two different things. He wonders "why?" cannot it not always be that way. I said that it's not that you never will feel the stomach flip or miss someone. it's just that is is ok to not always feel it. Being in love is the security, the comfort of knowing that there is someone else that will always be there for you, the companionship, etc. Sometimes we have to act like we are madly in love with someone and we would be surprised at the feelings coming back. I just don't know if he believes that it is possible.
I know that he said the other day, that it is somewhat uncomfortable being home and that is why he tries to stay away (even when he knows that I will not be there). I know that he seems to be much more comfortable around me then when all of this started. Which I take as a good sign.
I just don't know what to think when he says things like he cannot tell me not to date anyone since he has and that if I did he does not want to know about it because it would kill him and that he always wants to talk to me because he cannot imagine me not being in his life and not talking to him. It makes me want to say, "Well then get your butt home and let's work on this you big dork!" I know that I cannot say that, but I want too.
Anyway, any other advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Michelle, if you have read my story I would appreicate your thoughts. Thank you everyone on this board, you all have really helped me in this awful time.
