Hey there! It is me again. I have not posted for awhile and I wanted to first thank you for your support and advice. It is always appreciated from someone who has been through this and has come out of it still with a better marriage.
Here is the new scoop. I saw my husband yesterday and as he has been hinting at doing things that he regrets and handling things the wrong way as I was the one going to counseling and turning into the woman that he married and fell in love with (all his words and I did not initiate any othe the OR talks, he did.) ANyway, yesterday at lunch I did find out that he has "dated" since our separation. (For more information about this woman see my other posts (you can do a seach). To make a long story short though, this is a coworker that has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She is now on medication (he helps to give her her shots sometimes) and he says that they are friends and have gone out an talked and just hung out. As he is telling me this, I did not cry or lose it in any way. I did not ask a lot of questions as to how far this dating thing has gone, although I have really had a hard time not imagining what went on. I just did not break down in fron of him. It hurts like he!! and I am having a hard time coping. I feel like I should be mad and just give him a D and move one, but on the other hand I have really learned a lot about the things that I did wrong in our relationship and although I am not saying that this was justification in him dating since we separated, I am saying that I almost understand it. I mean before I was married and with a boyfriend, if things go really bad between us, and someone else showed interest and they wern't always fighting it is wasy to get sucked into that behavior of this is better and they are crazy and I did kiss a guy when this happened. It is as if you are trying to make yourself feel better by finding someone who is paying attention to you. I know that is no excuse, but I almost understand it. I just don't know what to do now. He admits that although he has dated, the thought of me doing it even though he can't tell me that I can't, would kill him. He also admits that he cannot ever imagine me not being in his life in some way. This makes me angry. If he misses me and does not want me to be with anyone and cannot imagine me not in his life, then why in the world is he not at home with me trying to work things out versus trying to make things dissapear and forget about them by going out with this girl? I had said, sure I could go out with someone to try and make me fell better and yeah, it may be new and exciting because it is different, but what would that help. He said, oh, have you gone out with someone? (you should have seen the look on his face). And I told him NO, that I had not. It would not help to make things any better.
Do you have any advice for me. He does stay with her brother for the most part (he is married with kids), but he did tell me yesterday that he has stayed at her house. I am not stupid, I assume it was in the same bed. He then tells me that her son is getting on his nerves (he is ADHD). Just a little info on this woman. She has been married 2-3 times before. I just do not know what to do. How can he work on us, if he is around her? He did say that it is easier for him to not be around me or come to our house to see our 4 dogs because then he can try not to think about things. He did say yesterday that he is confused and does not know what to do, but that he did not think that he was what could make me happy. I told him that was for me to decide and not him. I told him that I anm working on me and that I know that I have to make me happy. I am really trying hard to kwwp up my PMA, but I swear it has been really hard to do the last few weeks. I was doing better and then I backslide.
Any and all advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much.
Michelle, If you are reading this I would appreciate your advice as well.
Lstewart I wanted to tell you that I think you are on the right path and doing a good job. Your H is confused and he recognises that. That is a good thing. Be patient and let your home be a safe and comfortable place for him to be. He will most likely soon find it easier and more enjoyable to be at home. Let the OW and her child be the ones to make waves for your H. The more they are the problem the sooner he will be home to stay. He is learning that the grass is not greener and that home is a pretty nice place. Let him figure that out and let him be the one to come to you. Meanwhile keep DBing and doing things for you. When he is around smile and be happy. Let him know you are OK.
Its working so keep doing it. Confustion for these H's is a step they take on thier way back to you. You see he once thought he had it all figured out. Now he is learning that maybe he figured wrong. Detach from his drama and he will find his way home.
I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such a difficult time w your H. His behavior is maddening,but so typical.
Your H needs to feel like a "hero" to someone again.At one time he was a hero to you.The fact that this woman has MS makes it so obvious in his case.She NEEDS him and it makes him feel important.Many times the OW,is needy and dependent in some way.Many of them are struggling through a divorce or some problem and initially want a "shoulder" to lean on.
This was true in my case.A colleague,w a young child going,through a divorce and "needing" my H for a variety of things flattered his ego.
This type of dynamic occurs because our marriages are injured and needs are not being met.This does not justify infidelity for either party!
Please do NOT personalize his behavior,but see it has a manifestation of his extremely weak ego.
The changes you have made are wonderful and he is noticing.However,this takes a LONG time.Don't give up and don't talk about the OW.
BTW, JW is "right on" w her message.
Take care... Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-21-2000).]
Thank you so much to both of you for responding. If anyone else wants to respond then your comments are welcome.
Baker, I believe that you are right in many ways about the whole needy thing, however let me tell you a little bit more about my situation. When all of this started my husband said that one of the things that attracted him to me in the first place was when he first saw me, he said that I looked like I "owned the world". He said that I was so independent that it was like I did not need anyone else to make me happy because I was fine with myself. Well as our marriage went on and I was depressed he felt that I only turned to him to make me happy and that I was "absorbed into him" (his words). He did actually use the words (she needs me) when talking about this girl. He says that he thought that although he knew that I loved him he did not think that I wanted him anymore because when I was depressed I pushed him away to a certain extent. Now he recognizes and has even told me that I am turning into the woman that he met and fell in love with and married. He even told me on 6-19 that he had never ever met anyone like me (this after he tells me he has dated since our separation and I did not freak out in fron of him).
He says that he just does not know if he is the person that can make me happy. You see he says that after he married me and I moved away from my family and friends and left my old job for a new one that has just recently started to turn into a good thing (before I had bosses leaving left and right and never really had too much to do) that this is when I became depressed and it is all his fault. If he had never married me then I would not be depressed. What kind of sense does this make? I became depressed because yes, this was an adjustment and with us being on different shifts it made it even harder. (We are still on different shifts by the way) Instead of finding things to do and making friends down here and staying independent, I did nothing. I sat on the couch each night and ate and watched TV. I gained weight and really became a negative person. I was always complaining about soemthing hurting. Anyway, it was not my husband that made me depressed. Yes, I would love to spend more time with him, but I knew that eventually we would both be on the same shift and that we had the rest of our lives together. I now know that I did not nurture myself which really made me not nurture our friendship or our marriage. I am not saying that he did nothing wrong, it was both of us and I know that we are both 100% responsible for where this marriage went. He keeps asking me why would I still want to be married to him and I tell him that it is because I do love him and because I made a vow "for better or worse".
I know that he sees the changes that I am making, he commented the other day that I normally would have put my "walls up" when our conversation turned the way it did the other day, and that I did not do it. I commented that I knew that I did not and that was because I was really working on me and that I had learned a lot. He said "Yeah, but if we got back together you would do it again". I simply stated that I could not promise that I never ever would, but that I was really learning and that I would definitely not handle things the way that I used too.
My husband also believes that if you are in love with someone then your stomach should always turn flips when you see that person and that you should miss them all the time. (he thinks that because he does not always do those things with me that he is not "in love with me." I told him that falling in love and being in love are two different things. He wonders "why?" cannot it not always be that way. I said that it's not that you never will feel the stomach flip or miss someone. it's just that is is ok to not always feel it. Being in love is the security, the comfort of knowing that there is someone else that will always be there for you, the companionship, etc. Sometimes we have to act like we are madly in love with someone and we would be surprised at the feelings coming back. I just don't know if he believes that it is possible.
I know that he said the other day, that it is somewhat uncomfortable being home and that is why he tries to stay away (even when he knows that I will not be there). I know that he seems to be much more comfortable around me then when all of this started. Which I take as a good sign.
I just don't know what to think when he says things like he cannot tell me not to date anyone since he has and that if I did he does not want to know about it because it would kill him and that he always wants to talk to me because he cannot imagine me not being in his life and not talking to him. It makes me want to say, "Well then get your butt home and let's work on this you big dork!" I know that I cannot say that, but I want too.
Anyway, any other advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Michelle, if you have read my story I would appreicate your thoughts. Thank you everyone on this board, you all have really helped me in this awful time.
Good Morning LS, Your saga is very similar to my own,even the weight gain.I think the dynamics of your relationship is representative of a majority of situations,we read about on this board.
Now,my friend,you are thinking and analyzing too much.Be action oriented.Don't be at home,yourself and become mysterious in your activities.Of course be loving and non judgemental and DON'T talk about dating other people or about any relationship issues...ZIP IT!
Don't underestimate the power of an intimate relationship w H,even if things are not moving along as quickly as you desire. Seduce your H and flirt w him.Prepare his favorite meals and flatter him,while at the same time distancing your self,at times.
Go out w friends,work overtime,go to conferences... whatever...but don't be there waiting for him all the time.Surprise him w an erratic schedule.It worked for me!
John's wife is a MASTER at using these techniques and is a success story.Read her old posts for guidance.
You are on your way to becomming a success story,too. Keep DBing....Jenny
I don't know if you read earlier where I wrote that he is not at the house with me. He is staying with "her" brother and he has stayed at her house at some point. He has not slept at our house since May 22. Although he did have to come to our house the other morning while his car was being worked on and he slept in our bed while I was at work. I wonder how that made him feel.
Anyway, I guess my question is or it just may be a comment is that I cannot prepare his favorite meals if he is not there to enjoy them. Is that what you meant to cook them for him or am I supposed to say that I cooked them for me? Just curious. By the way, there was some flirtation with us yesterday (in person and on the phone). It was mutual on both parts. He called me at work and said "How are you?" and I replied "I'm fine, how are you doing?" and he said "I know that you are FINE, how are you? To which I replied, "like I told you, I am FINE." I know a little cheesy, but it seemed that this is one of the times that he is really starting to lighten up around me.
Jenny and John's wife, I want to thank you for any and all comments or suggestions from you. It really helps to talk to people that have been through it versus family or friends that say I need to just tell him to come home right now and work on things with me. They say it has been long enough and I know it has only been about 2 months now and to me things seem to be improving (at least he is not telling me all the time that he wants to get a divorce).
I do have a question, some times I get so mad thinking about him going out with or without her and not coming home to work on things with me right now. How did you all deal with that anger and not taking it so personal (like well if he loved me more than he likes her than he would be at home with me)?
Also, should I try to totally detach and not let him get a hold of me for a few days or not? Some people have suggested this to let him miss me? I can avoid his calls if he is calling at home because we have caller id, but at work I cannot tell who is calling me and I do need to answer my phone at work if I do not want to get into trouble. I will await your all's opinions before I do anything rash. Thanks again. God bless you both and everyone else out there who is working to save their marriage.
I don't know if you read earlier where I wrote that he is not at the house with me. He is staying with "her" brother and he has stayed at her house at some point. He has not slept at our house since May 22. Although he did have to come to our house the other morning while his car was being worked on and he slept in our bed while I was at work. I wonder how that made him feel.
Anyway, I guess my question is or it just may be a comment is that I cannot prepare his favorite meals if he is not there to enjoy them. Is that what you meant to cook them for him or am I supposed to say that I cooked them for me? Just curious. By the way, there was some flirtation with us yesterday (in person and on the phone). It was mutual on both parts. He called me at work and said "How are you?" and I replied "I'm fine, how are you doing?" and he said "I know that you are FINE, how are you? To which I replied, "like I told you, I am FINE." I know a little cheesy, but it seemed that this is one of the times that he is really starting to lighten up around me.
Jenny and John's wife, I want to thank you for any and all comments or suggestions from you. It really helps to talk to people that have been through it versus family or friends that say I need to just tell him to come home right now and work on things with me. They say it has been long enough and I know it has only been about 2 months now and to me things seem to be improving (at least he is not telling me all the time that he wants to get a divorce).
I do have a question, some times I get so mad thinking about him going out with or without her and not coming home to work on things with me right now. How did you all deal with that anger and not taking it so personal (like well if he loved me more than he likes her than he would be at home with me)?
Also, should I try to totally detach and not let him get a hold of me for a few days or not? Some people have suggested this to let him miss me? I can avoid his calls if he is calling at home because we have caller id, but at work I cannot tell who is calling me and I do need to answer my phone at work if I do not want to get into trouble. I will await your all's opinions before I do anything rash. Thanks again. God bless you both and everyone else out there who is working to save their marriage.
Hi all! I kind of fell off the board for a bit. Sitting thinking about what to do next.
Jenny - Glad to hear your family had a wonderful Father's Day!! You've put tremendous effort into working through your marital crisis, and now the benefits are coming back to you! Congratulations!!
Thanks for the book recommendations. As I am working through my marital crisis, reading has helped me to get in touch with myself. (I too have an extensive library!!) Reading helps me get perspective on what happened and how I have to move forward. For the main part, I have detached, but as it is for everyone, I do have my relapses. At that time, I try to put my concerns on a shelf and pull the PMA, and usually a book, back.
Thank you Jenny for being a friend and guiding others through this difficult time. I especially appreciate your friendship because your strength motivates me to move forward and continue my journey. No one said that it would be easy, but it is freeing. I would love nothing more than to have my marriage be a success story. But first I have to be the best that I can be.
LStewart, as Jenny and John's wife have both indicated, many of us have similar stories. You have to fully detach, but detaching doesn't mean not loving. It is difficult knowing that H is with OW. And yes, we who are standing by our marriages could run away and feel that excitement with someone else. But I think we all realize that that wouldn't solve our problems. A very good friend of mine, who has been though marital crisis, and has pieced his marriage back together, once said that you have to find a special place where you can put your noncontrolable worries and concerns, ie. the relationship your H is in with OW. You place them there until you are ready to deal with them. Yes, it is difficult to always put them out of your mind, but it takes practice. You have no control, so you put them in that special place and let your Higher Power deal with them for you.
