jf: Based on what I've read in your sitch she's doing a lot more than just trying (ILY, card, party etc). This is way more than most of us get so she is still involved with you.
I don't know if there is/was OM in the picture with my W, I could snoop but the common advice (and I agree) is don't go there and just ignore it. I know how difficult this can be (especially as you already know) but I firmly believe that if your R is going to work out, then the EA/PA will fizzle out anyway. I wonder if your knowledge of the A with OM is coloring your conversations with your W somehow and this is triggering a reaction in her. It must be very difficult to forgive in this sitch.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor together? Would your wife be willing? I know that they can sometimes cause issues but we've found a good one and it helps to build some understanding of each other in a "safe" environment. It does seem that the two of you are misfiring on communication at the moment (as you state in your last mail).
