In response to your questions about what I'm doing as far as 180's and what the reasons are she has said for our current sitch.
The current sitch she says was casued by my lack of giving her enough attention and her not feeling as if she was important to me. I am to blame for some of this but not to the degree she portrays. I have always spent an enormous amount of time with my W and kids, she just needs more than I was giving.
She did have an affair and it may very well still be going on atleast on an emotional level. I think she is leaving that door open until she decides what to do with me as something to fall back on if she eventually walks out. I am patirntly waiting for it to just burn out. I don't think she can continue it now with the same enthusiasm since she would have to hide it even more now than before.
180's I'm doing:
my W has called me at lunch everyday for the past 23 years we have been together and she still continues to call just as before even after the bomb was dropped by her. In the past I always had phone in hand and picked up the call immediately usually 1st or second ring)and when things got bad I startedto latch on to the phone call and would not want to end the conversation we were having even when it died off or got quiet. I decided one day to just let it ring about 8 or 9 times before answering. I got an immediate response from that. After she said hello the next thing out of her mouth was "Gee, you took a long time to answer". I just said" Sorry I had the phone in my bag and it took a minute to dig it out" I assume it sent the msg to her that I was no longer anticipating her calls. Then a few days later I decided I would just let it go and not answer at all. She left a voicemail which I promptly listened too. she said: hi, it's just me, wanted to say hello. I Iguess your phone isn't ringing or something, call me back". I waitied 10 minutes and then returned the call. Again, first thing out of her mouth was I tried to call you before, left you a voicemail, didn't your phone?" So I replied oh was that your voice mail, sorry I left the phone in the car when I went into the house. I mix it up from day to day sometimes answer right away and sometime not and I always make sure I end the conversation first now.
Other 180's: I help around the house as much as I can, which is quite often, even when she tries to discourage me to help out I still do it anyway. I tell her I want to do it because I realize I like doing it! When she does ask me to do something I attend to it right away and never procrastinate.
I shop for my own clothing now. She always did it before. I've changed the style of my clothing. I try to look even more groomed than before when I leave the house. Wear cologne, changing my hair style slightly.
The day I got off the phone with a DB councellor, when I got home she declared she was in a bad mood. In the old days I would have practically begged her to tell me what was casuing it, asking if I did something which I always got a response of nothing is wrong or you did nothing and I would say I know your just not telling me and we would eventually get into a fight. This time I simply asked if everything was ok, told her I was hear if she wanted to talk and then offered to help her with the food she was cooking. She replied, no I have it under control so then I said ok I'll go sit down and watch TV for a bit. She quickly responded with, "Well, you can make some more meatballs for that pot over there. Her mood stayed the same all evening and it was still there in the morning. I asked how she was feeling and she said, "I'm still agravated" As I left the house I said "have a nice day!" hen not 5 minutes after getting to work she called me to apologize for her mood and told me what was bothering her. A first in almost 20 years of marriage.
I have many more to list but dinner is calling. I'll list the rest later and a report on the date.
I so want to ask her though why she has pulled back or to atleast know what her reasoning was for such a swwet card but I fear this would be takin as pushing and would probably due me know good. Please read the entry in this thread to see wha t the card said. Is there a way I can approach her about what it meant without causing more grief. Sometime I feel she might have expected a more emotional reaction to the card, but I kept it friendly
