We are now almost 2 months from the day she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, cut off our sexlife and declared she didn't know what she wanted anymore but was not ready to try for more. Since then my books DB and DR have been my best friend and I've even taken advantage of the counceling DB offers.
As I have said in a previous post, even thought she has declared a lack of love for me she continues to say ILY several times a day when we part or on the phone. I've even received a few ILY's for no reason at all. I continue to resist the temptation to say ILY first and only return those words when she says them first. I have kept up with my 180's, my personal changes, more of the same behavior techniques and have had some positive results, however small they are.
Today was my 40th birthday and the day started off the same as anyday with her since the bomb dropped. After work we kept with our family tradition of letting the person celebrating the birthday choose the resturant they would like to eat at. Even though it was my birthday and the server turned to me first for my order I insisted ladies first, something I know I have not always down. I think she appreciated this gesture. Anyway we had a wonderful dinner with the kids, had many laughs all around the table, made great eye contact and smiled at each other quite often. We've had a lunch date scheduled for almost a week now to go out on Sunday. I promised myself after she accepted I would not talk about it until Sunday unnless she brought it up. To my surprise she brought it up at dinner and we talked about where we might eat after our walk. After we got home I sat in our Rose Arbor swing and she promptly joined me. She sat next to me and took my hand as we talked about different things going on this weekend. At one point she turned to me and wished me a happy birthday again with a nice kiss, backed up by a second kiss. I was then surprised when she motioned for a third after I pulled back from the second. After that we did the usual cake and presents thing. After the kids gave me their gifts she handed me hers. I opened the card and started reading. I had to try really hard not to cry. She gave me a card I hardly would have expected to get from her. Here is what it said.
On the front cover it says: "To My Husband with love" On the inside of the cover it says: "The richest joys in life are those we share with the one we love" Underneath this she hand wrote in large letters " I LOVE YOU!" Above the main body of the card she hand wrote in the date and " To My Husband! Jim"
The saying printed in the card went like this:
"We've shared a lot of happiness, we've seen some dreams come true, and every now an then we've had our share of worries, too... But every day our love has grown still richer than before, and with each passing year I know I'll only love you more.
Signed, Love Always.. J----
I didn't want to over react to this card as I was extremely shocked, So I thanked her graciously for the card and the gift. After all that was done I felt her pull back, become more distantr and withdraw from me. She didn't smile the rest of the evening and the small physical gestures went bye-bye again too. Saying goodnight seemed uncomfortable too for some reason. I so want to know whats going on in her head but I resisted the temptation to ask what was wrong.
I'm still beside myself as to why she chose to give me this kind of card. I'm sure there were many other cards with less feeling in them that she could have chosen.
If anyone has any ideas on what this might be all about please chime in!!!
If I were you, I would be confused too! (We certainly know your W is confused...) I'm just chiming in here because I really feel for you. Hot and then cold. That's bittersweet.
Try to look at it in a positive way- she went out of her way to emphasize her actions, right? ILY in big block letters, the extra kisses...I would savor those moments and view them as positive steps.
Me: 44
W: 41
S15
Together 25 years- Married 22
My situation
Don't get me wrong. I savor every moment of affection she gives me and despite her words I seem to be getting much more from her than many of the people in these forums so I consider that to be a positive sign.
?It is bittersweet though and at times extremely painful. If it wasn't for the books, I beleive I would have already quit. Everytime I think about quitting I start readingsome more. It doesn't take me long to come across something in the book that I can relate to that makes me understand whats going on a little bit better and makes me feel strong again. I also know that even if we never get it back together, this entire experience has tought me a lot about myself and relationships. Which ever way this turns out I know I will be better able to cope with the situation.
Today we celebrated my 40th birthday with all the family and friends coming to the house. My W put a great deal of time and efforet into the planning, preperation and executing of the party. I helped as often as she would let me, which is something I've neglected to do over the years. When it was time for clean up I rolled up my sleeves and pitched in just as I have been for sometime now. I got a little grief from some of the family and friends as I was cleaning up. Comments like do you do windows too were thrown about. However I just smiled and said you should try it you might find out you actually enjoy helping out. I know I do! Comments like that were just the kind of thing that made me stop helping in the first place. That was one of my mistakes, putting my macho above my W
Anyway on to what I did differemt.
After all the cleaning was done I decided to run out to the store and pick up a blank Thank You card. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted to say. After all this is new to me but something I should have done long ago. I've always thanked her when she does something nice for me but I never actually wrote a thank you out before. I started the note with a cute joke saying that now that I'm 40, I thought that I'd better write her a note before the athritis begins to set in and then I went on to tell her how much I love and appreciate her by thanking her for all the hard work and effort she put into making my 40th birthday a very special day and one that I would always remember. I stood the card up on her night stand after she went to sleep and we will wait to see what happens in the morning when she wakes. Wish me luck! I'm thinking it can't hurt and I really did want to thank her for what she did!
Good luck with your Thank You card! I hope you get a positive reaction, but of course don't expect too much or you could end up being disappointed. And even if there isn't the visible reaction you had hoped for, consider that there might be a subconscious one that has a greater effect. You never know...
Me: 44
W: 41
S15
Together 25 years- Married 22
My situation
sounds like you are doing some great 180s with the cleaning up and thank you card. Something else that also shows appreciation for people organising a big event like this (especially with friends and family there) is a short thankyou speech and flowers given at the party. I think you also did the right thing by ignoring the a**hole comments about cleaning windows. You mention that it is bittersweet and at times painful but don't go into any details. I don't want to pry but you will get better comments and advice if you can expand on this statement. Also, talk about other 180s you're trying, what your goals are, what your W has said are the reasons for being in your current sitch. All of this will help others to understand where you are right now and how they can help. My take on what you've told us so far is that it sounds positive and that you are helping move it forward, icl
When I say bittersweet I mean I enjoy the times when she is more open and giving and comes out from behind the proverbial wall she has erected but find it extremely painful when she withdraws and goes back behind the wall. I know I should expect this and I give her her space when she does withdraw. So far she has always come back out and I know this is good!
She totally missed seeing the card on her messy nightstand so I sort of had to point it out by commenting on all the things she keeps on the table. She then saw the card and apologized for not seeing it and told me she could walk down the street, pass her own mother and not notice her. This I know to be true of her so no worries on her not seeing the card. She would have noticed it eventually. She opened it and laughed at my opening joke and told me the card was very sweet, said thank you several times and gave me lots of hugs and kisses, so I guess the reaction was good. WE are going out on our date shortly so I will write more about my 180's later this afternoon and let you all know how the date went. Wish me luck and keep praying for me. I pray for all of you everyday too!
In response to your questions about what I'm doing as far as 180's and what the reasons are she has said for our current sitch.
The current sitch she says was casued by my lack of giving her enough attention and her not feeling as if she was important to me. I am to blame for some of this but not to the degree she portrays. I have always spent an enormous amount of time with my W and kids, she just needs more than I was giving.
She did have an affair and it may very well still be going on atleast on an emotional level. I think she is leaving that door open until she decides what to do with me as something to fall back on if she eventually walks out. I am patirntly waiting for it to just burn out. I don't think she can continue it now with the same enthusiasm since she would have to hide it even more now than before.
180's I'm doing:
my W has called me at lunch everyday for the past 23 years we have been together and she still continues to call just as before even after the bomb was dropped by her. In the past I always had phone in hand and picked up the call immediately usually 1st or second ring)and when things got bad I startedto latch on to the phone call and would not want to end the conversation we were having even when it died off or got quiet. I decided one day to just let it ring about 8 or 9 times before answering. I got an immediate response from that. After she said hello the next thing out of her mouth was "Gee, you took a long time to answer". I just said" Sorry I had the phone in my bag and it took a minute to dig it out" I assume it sent the msg to her that I was no longer anticipating her calls. Then a few days later I decided I would just let it go and not answer at all. She left a voicemail which I promptly listened too. she said: hi, it's just me, wanted to say hello. I Iguess your phone isn't ringing or something, call me back". I waitied 10 minutes and then returned the call. Again, first thing out of her mouth was I tried to call you before, left you a voicemail, didn't your phone?" So I replied oh was that your voice mail, sorry I left the phone in the car when I went into the house. I mix it up from day to day sometimes answer right away and sometime not and I always make sure I end the conversation first now.
Other 180's: I help around the house as much as I can, which is quite often, even when she tries to discourage me to help out I still do it anyway. I tell her I want to do it because I realize I like doing it! When she does ask me to do something I attend to it right away and never procrastinate.
I shop for my own clothing now. She always did it before. I've changed the style of my clothing. I try to look even more groomed than before when I leave the house. Wear cologne, changing my hair style slightly.
The day I got off the phone with a DB councellor, when I got home she declared she was in a bad mood. In the old days I would have practically begged her to tell me what was casuing it, asking if I did something which I always got a response of nothing is wrong or you did nothing and I would say I know your just not telling me and we would eventually get into a fight. This time I simply asked if everything was ok, told her I was hear if she wanted to talk and then offered to help her with the food she was cooking. She replied, no I have it under control so then I said ok I'll go sit down and watch TV for a bit. She quickly responded with, "Well, you can make some more meatballs for that pot over there. Her mood stayed the same all evening and it was still there in the morning. I asked how she was feeling and she said, "I'm still agravated" As I left the house I said "have a nice day!" hen not 5 minutes after getting to work she called me to apologize for her mood and told me what was bothering her. A first in almost 20 years of marriage.
I have many more to list but dinner is calling. I'll list the rest later and a report on the date.
I so want to ask her though why she has pulled back or to atleast know what her reasoning was for such a swwet card but I fear this would be takin as pushing and would probably due me know good. Please read the entry in this thread to see wha t the card said. Is there a way I can approach her about what it meant without causing more grief. Sometime I feel she might have expected a more emotional reaction to the card, but I kept it friendly
sounds like we are in similar positions concerning our W, apart from the fact I'm separated but seeing my W regularly. In my case, my W refers to the wall she has built as a moat that she can hide behind, and she will come out, dip her toe in the water, sometimes come across the moat but go back again. As you said, this is very frustrating and difficult to deal with - for all involved. My W has explained that I need to be patient, she has to see that the changes in me are for real and this is going to take time. Maybe your W is in the same sitch? Just some initial thoughts,
At least she is saying to be patient. I'm still getting I'm not ready to work on more in our relationship althoough I guess I should consider what she is doing as some sort of trying. Although I sometimes feel she does most of it out of sympathy or just to keep things looking normal for the kids sake. I know she was ready to end it 2 months ago becasue she has told me so but for some reson she is still holding on and occasionally talks about things in the future like she thinks we will be here together for a long time to come. Oh so confused she is!
The other problem I have and I don't know if you have the same issue or not by my wife was involved with a co-worker for over a year before I found out. When I did find out she said she would end it and wanted to work things out with me. 6 weeks later she dropped the bomb which lead me to believe the OM was still in the picture influencing her descions. How could he not be, she works with him. I've had some sign that she is still in contect with him and the things she has said over the past two month according to DR indicate that the affair still goes on even if just on an emotional level now. She's said 3 out of the four statements listed in DR that indicate this, such as, ILY but I'm not ILWY and I see your changes but its too little too late and just because you have changed doesn't me it will make me want to change my mind. Yet still she has not officially asked for a divorce or a seperation. I try to stay positive but have prepared for the worst.
Today we had a bit of a squable. When I got home today I found my younngest daughter not home as she should have beem. I called my W and asked were she was. She neglected to call me to tell me my daughter had extra practice after school. Since I have been very apologetic and soft spoken the last three months I took a strong stance on her inconsiderate behavior. I needed to let her know that even though I have changed for the better I am not be a pushover either. I didn't say it like that but hadles it very tactfully. She was apologetic so my fear of confronting her wasn't justified. I'll watch for the next several days if my strong stance has any effects on her behavior. LAter that evening another small squable erupted. She had mentioned watching TV together later in the evening. She seemed tired and I assumed she wanted to rest for awhile so I got to work on a window trim project. She appartently had been analyizing my every move since she got home and when I grabbed my tools she drew a conclusion that me asking if she was tired and wanting to crash for awhile and becasue I started working on the window that it meant I didn't want to watch TV with her. I told her I'm sorry if thats what you think I said but thats not what I said, thats what you assumed I was thinking. I told her I refused to argue with her and told her instead of analyizing me and trying to figure out what I am thnking , why not just me whats on your mind. I said if you want to watch TV with me just say so! It would be much easier than analyizing me actions.
