GH - Great day for you yesterday - I've always been guilty of fixing things, too. My wife is so adamant about not ever taking Prozac, etc. that it has scared her off the counselor path several times - it's a common theme in women's magazines now that you should try everything else first. It sounds like you handled it really well, though, and got it back on track. You're a great husband - I'm sure she's seeing that. Congratulations on a good day, and have a good time tonight.
GH, Sounds like some good stuff going on... I happy that you are seeing some more postive steps towards you with the kissing and Physical contact. GREAT, GREAT,GREAT
Quote: At one point I did start to gently encourage her to seek help because I really think she would benefit from at least talking to someone professional as well as some meds. Of course, she shut this down quickly. She just won't do it. I stopped pressuring her about this because she started to get upset and shut down on me. I think she just needed to talk and wanted to be able to do that without me "fixing" her or just saying she needed to take a pill. I realized that pretty quickly, said my peace and then went back to validating stronger than before. She seemed to be ok with that and continued talking.
You know what, to me that shows alot of growth, Us men, we want to "Fix" everything, that is who we are. But you quickly recognized it and changed up.. I bet 5 months ago, you would still be trying to fix instead of listening and validating...
I think what you just described is a real life example right out of the pages of Men Mars/ Women Venus.
All in all, sounds like things are progessing VERY well for you and your W. I'm excited to hear about the weekend and the concert trip!
Quote: I am worried about her. I know I should expect this because of all she's going through but I wish she would see someone about it. I am not going to force the issue though because for the most part, she's ok, and when she's not, she seems like she's willing to lean on me
As you know from my stich, your W and mine share so many very similar characteristics, especially when it comes to this issue. My W is obviously going through some very hard times on a personal level....I think its already been established that she has an eating disorder and suffers from depression (and based on family history, its easy to see). These things have me greatly concerned; however, neither of these things have overtly affected her physical health. As you once told me in my post, its a fine line, but if its not a life and death situation, they must come to the decision to seek help on their own. In all likelihood, my W and yours, if she is anything like mine, will not seek this sort of help. I brought the issue up with my W on one occassion in a sort of matter of fact way, without any atendant R talk and told her basically that I was concerned for her and that I felt that she really could benefit from some help. Ultimately, the decision is hers, unless it becomes deterimental to her health of the health of our children.
Basically, this is where you are too my friend. The best you can do is be supportive of her and not let her perceived "problems" affect you. Ultimately, she has to work through the issues herself.
Anecdotally, let me just tell you that this is not the first time in my R with W that I've dealt with depression of this nature. Back when D10 was born, my W suffered a very long bout of depression. It was horrible to watch how distant she became from everyone in her life, including me. We actualy separated for a bit because I just couldn't understand what was going on. Finally, I came to my senses and stood by her the best that I could. Little did I know it, but I successfully DB'ed at the time because I tried very hard not to let it affect me. Over time (a long time, at least in my mind, of about 1.5 years) she began to snap out of it and eventually was very grateful that I had stood by her.
Point being, our W's will likely work through these issues on their own, without the benefit of our help or the help of a professional. Would it be beneficial for them in the long run? Most likely, but this is just another factor to consider for the long term in your R because it is likely that at some point, she will experience these cyclical feelings again.
Just my .02 worth. Hope the day finds you in good spirits!
All the best,
Rob
Last edited by PArob; 05/15/0612:40 PM.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Sorry I've been away all weekend. Just caught up on you all and now I go to find my own thread almost off the first page. THAT would be a first, lol.
Anyway, starting with Friday night, the concert 2.5 hours away, it was GREAT. We had a nice time. We talked a lot on the ride two and from and just had a good time. I made an effort to put my arm around her as we walked in addition to all the "gentlemanly" things she likes like me opening the door for her, etc. She seemed ok with it but I grew VERY conscious that I was the only one doing this and she was not reciprocating at all. Not that it's unusual for our R going all the way back to the beginning but it's my new awareness that I am not happy with a one way physical relationship that I guess made me notice more than usual. I did not say anything because I am going to just communicate with my actions for awhile and see where that gets me. She said that one thing she didn't like was that I would never hold her hand when we walked, etc, so I will just try to do more of that and see how things go. So far, so good.
After we got home and went to bed, said goodnight to my mom (my parents were babysitting), I tried to give her a "goodnight" kiss. To go back a little, all night I had been playfully saying that it was our "first date". Actually, we both kinda played that up. It was fun. So, back to bed and the "goodnight kiss" from our first date... I TRIED to give her a kiss and she pulled back a bit. It stung a bit but then again, was not totally unexpected because there had been a fair amount of innuendo throughout the evening and I think SHE thought I expected sex. IT went THAT well so I can see how that may have been her mindset. I just let it pass. There was NO point in discussing anything as far as I was concerned.
Again, a GREAT night with good company and great music. Oh, and BTW, I survived. If you recall, it was James Blunt that we went to see and if you are familiar with his songs, you know why it was REALLY hard during certain ones to keep it together. It helped the he was REALLY good live.
One funny thing that happened was that on my way to the bathroom a woman stopped me to ask me what my shirt said (it has Japanese writing on it). I said I didn't know and she went on about how this friend of hers got a tattoo in Japan and it said something lewd...blah blah blah. She was with her boyfriend or at least a guy who was nice enough to tell me she was drunk and to ignore her (no, really?). I told W that some drunk woman started up a convo with me (I did say she was with her man) and she seemed amused but also a little jealous.
The weekend was nice. Saturday we just went to lunch with my parents and spent the rest of the day goofing off.
Mother's day I let W sleep in and then gave her the presents from me and the kids. She appreciated them and then decided that she wanted us to take the kids to Disney, which was a big surprise because before I had talked about taking them on my own if she wanted some alone time. That was before all the panic stuff from earlier in the week. So we went, had a crappy time and left early because W was not feeling well (women's issues). A minor breakthrough for me was that I supported this decision. Normally I would lobby to stay longer and point out how disappointed the kids would be to leave. This time I didn't and she seemed happy about that. We went to the mall next to spend her GC and things wend great for the rest of the day.
At the end of the night, it was LATE (12:45am) but when she came to bed, I offered to give her the traditional Mom's Day massage that I have always given her and talked about earlier in the day. I actually didn't think she would want it but to my surprise, she said she wanted it. So I did and made sure to add a little more effort into it than normal so she would feel the "specialness" of it. I think it worked. It was probably the first time that I gave her a full body massage WITHOUT making an attempt at sex and again, she seemed to REALLY appreciate this.
While it may seem to be a step in the wrong direction, I saw that as a REALLY big step in the right direction because one of the things I am trying to do is separate certain things from ALWAYS being associated with sex to her, namely physical contact, especially massages. I want her to know that I WANT to touch her, even intimatly, without necessarily having it lead to sex so that when it DOES lead to sex, it is a natural progression of things and NOT something she feels pressured into. I want her to FEEL like doing it, not feel like she needs or has to and by desexualizing touch in our relationship (notice, I did NOT say making it passionless mind you) I think we can begin to be more intimate outside the bedroom and eventually MUCH more intimate inside it. (Oh, and OT, I have NOT forgotten the book)
So, there you have it. Sorry for the marathon post. I will try not to stay away for that long again.
Speaking from experience, despite my misgivings about the concert as well, he is a really good performer. Glad you had a good time!
....and yeah, it took my like ten seconds to find your darn post! WTH??? I thought I was gonna have to dig to page 2! LOL
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH, I'm really glad to hear that you had a good weekend with your W. I'm also happy that you are having physical contact (even if it's not as much as you would like) Remember "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." You WILL get there, I can feel it!
OMG, I actually fell to the second page. Things MUST be going better...
Anyway, not much to report. Last night I was just feeling a little impatient once again. W has been a little distant the past few days. I don't know if it means she wants more or less of me. It's confusing but I am working through it, stopping short of just asking her. I still want to keep the conversation light for the time being. There will be time for the heavy stuff later on. For now, it's life as usual, not much physical stuff but great communication on most other matters. Life is much better than 6 months ago and with any luck (not to mention hard work) at all, it will continue to get better.
