I want to post some more about last night. As with the last big R talk, there was WAY too much to post all of it but I will try to remember the things I think were most important.
First, walkingback, she actually said at the end of the convo last night "It's SO much better talking to you than you just sulking around brooding on things." So, you are exactly right, she IS screaming for me to just open up to her.
As for her being honest, everything I heard AND saw last night told me that I was hearing the truth. Her body language and eyes didn't give ANYTHING away if she was lying. Sure, I know she could have made it all up but if she did, she's one of the best liars I have ever seen and if I am taken by that, then so be it. That's a risk I am willing to take.
Here are some of the things we talked about or that were said in no particular order or context.
-First of all, it seemed like there was NO question off the board. She answered any and all questions I asked for about 2 hours (my earlier post of a 3 hour talk was a bit off).
- I asked her if she ever saw a time in the future when SHE would touch me and be intimate without me having to initiate it. She said yes and that she knows she has "issues" with that she needs to work on.
- We went into great detail about each of our intimacy issues and what about our old "intimacy-less" marriage we didn't like.
- She explained how much it hurt her never to be kissed or touched without sex being the goal. She said in our entire marriage she has never felt loved that way. I said I felt the same way but due to my own issues, I never knew how to express that.
- She went into detail about her R with OM. She admitted again that they were physical but insisted that there was no sex and that was one of the big issues that caused them to start to have friction. She said at first she wanted him to train her and then it became more. I said it sounded like she was trying to say it was all him in terms of the pursuit of the R and she said no, that she wanted it too until it became clear that he wanted more than she could give him. I asked many questions, all of which she answered freely.
- I asked her about Valentines day and she went into detail about what she did and why. She apologized again for that.
- She said over and over again that she didn't like to talk about these things with me because she knows it hurts me. I told her not to protect me and to be honest. "Haven't I taken it so far?" She agreed.
- She said she couldn't say for sure if we would make it but thought things were much better.
- I asked her what she saw when she looked at me, if she SAW me. She said she knows I look great but if I am asking if we are going to be intimate soon, that it was too soon and for a woman things are not that easy, that it's all about feelings and she has to work on that. I told her I understood and that led into a discussion where she told me that she has been spending a lot of time at the bookstore reading books on relationships!!!!! (BTW, if you follow my sitch, you know this is pretty big).
- I did manage a small kiss right around the time that she said I never did anything "different" or "romantic". I walked over to her, held her and lifted her face to give her a kiss. She didn't push away but didn't exactly reciprocate. I think she was a little shocked that I did that.
- I told her that I thought it was important that she WANT me to trust her and she said she did want that, which is why she's tried to be as open and honest with me lately. I said I appreciated that and once again encouraged her to continue that and tell me anything.
For you OT...
- I asked her if we were in a relationship where I could expect full honesty and she said yes. She said that she was not hiding anything and again, if I thought something, or found something, to just ask her immediately and she would talk to me about it.
- She did tell me that she knew something was up with me and that she wishes I could just be direct and open with her when something like this comes up instead of getting myself all worked up. I told her that IF I had been open and honest with her it would have come out as an angry accusation instead of a question and I didn't want that so I waited until I had calmed down to talk to her. She noted that I didn't seem very calm (I was shaking when I started the convo). I responded that if she could imagine that THAT was calm compared to when I found the receipt. She laughed.
All in all, there was a lot of laughter but at the end of the night, she was spent. She said she felt good that we talked but that it was emotionally draining. I gave her another little kiss, a long hug and went up to bed. She followed shortly after.
There is more and I will either post it in response to something asked or when it comes to me.
