Again, no thanks are necessary....reading your posts and the advice of others has afforded me that insight which is only just starting to make me see things differently...
As to your direct concerns, I believe that what you have crafted is a very good script because it does go to the heart of the matter and comes across as direct and honest about your feelings, while trying to gain a further understanding of exactly what type of R you should expect.
Quote: The one thing I am most afraid of is her just shutting down on me. It's her habit to do that and if she does it tonight, I don't quite know what to do. In the past I would just follow her if she left the room and keep things going. Sometimes that would re-engage her in the conversation, other times it would not. If she does that tonight, I would be at a loss.
In essence, I think this is the heart of the matter. Her reaction or inaction is really the key to this. If she does deflect and does not engage, then you will at least know that she is not ready for that level of an R with you at the moment. That doesn't mean that she won't hear your concerns or at least think about them (remember, unless she is deaf, she is hearing you) but it just means that she hasn't reached that "comfort" level yet. Just as important, you will have to decide whether you can still maintain that level of comfort for yourself in an ongoing pseudo-R. Considering your tenacity up to this point, I think you already know the answer to that...it will utlimately be something you will have to slip into your pocket for further discussion once your R is solid enough to support such a discussion.
IOW, the medium is good, your words are thoughtful and direct....they are designed to gain a further understanding of just where the heck you two are in this process as opposed to being manipulative or assigning blame. Importantly, they also let her know that she will have to address some of these issues with you in order to foster an open, loving and healthy R in the future. Fair warning, however, she may not be there just yet and you, my friend, will have to chose whether that is acceptable to you or not.
Remember, we all have choices and the choice to stick by her until such time that she is able to address these issues is your choice.
One last word of advice: If she chooses not to engage, under no circumstances do you continue to press the issue if she has effectively shut you down. This is the one bit of advice that I wish I could follow more effectively, but given my nature, its one of the hardest things to do.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
