Sorry OT, I am not capable of rationally doing a checklist today. The cold hard facts, or even suppositions of my sitch are not something I want to think about today.
Really, I have no clue where she is in all this and asking her is very unlikely to give me one. I know what she said, and what she said did not include NO contact with OM. Of course, she also said it was only an EA so who the hell knows what is true and what is not.
The main reason why I can't do the checklist other than my fatigue is that I am pretty sure she will lie about anything on that list, hence why I DON'T think we are at the point in our R that can support R talks or anything else.
Look, like I said, I know what is right and what is wrong here. I know what I need to do and probably somewhere down inside, I know how to do it. RIGHT NOW, this moment, I just don't have the energy/will to take action. Inaction, as you say, may be my most dangerous move but I can't seem to care too much. I have done SO much over the past 5 months and it's finally gotten to me. I hope this is just a SHORT phase.
There is a part of me that knows I will be fine. I CAN do this but I guess I just made the decision for at least a couple hours, to let my emotions take over. Bad idea, I know, but you know what, it's what I am doing.
I won't see W for another several hours and even then, the kids are around. I would have a chance to talk to her until late this evening. By then, if I have not gotten myself under control, we may have a very bad R talk. If I have gotten myself under control, I may find a way to express myself fully and still be supportive and compassionate.
I DO STILL love my W. That may never change. It's just what I am willing to suffer for a CHANCE at a renewed R with her that I am unsure of. That's what I need to decide between now and tonight.
