Fine...being slow at work DOES NOT HELP but it does give me time to lurk around here, something I didn't want to do today...guess I'm doing a lot of things I don't want to do today.
OT, thanks. I KNOW I am f-ing up but I really feel, and this is NOT about how SHE'LL react, but how I will react, that tonight or sometime VERY soon is NOT the right time for me to have this talk with her. Oh, I AM likely to have it anyway but at least from my end, it won't be good I bet.
I don't know much about how she'll react. I THINK she will try to deny it and shift the focus on my snooping. I think she will do so in a way that ends the conversation unless I choose to just go on talking to her without her participation. It's how she's reacted every other time I have brought this kind of thing up.
So, while I don't much give a damn how she'll react, I am reasonably sure that however she reacts will make the conversation unproductive except that I finally got to express my pain and anger.
I thought I wanted to be compassionate and loving? So why talk to her now that decidedly DO NOT FEEL THAT WAY TOWARDS HER?
It's one thing to have the right to feel a certain way. We ALL felt that way in the beginning and were told in DB to not express those feelings...yet.
OT, you are telling me that finally I AM in a R that can support that kind of talk? Somehow I don't see that. I think she has said some good words but her actions don't necessarily back them up. I still feel like I am in full DB mode and thus R talk is off the table...but I am still going to do it and that's what bothers me so much. I don't feel like it's right but I am going to do it because I am just too tired to do anything else. I am going to do it and I don't much care if it makes my situation much worse than better.
Funny thing is that I really DO want to do it in a way that makes things better. I don't want to manipulate the situation to that end, but I do want to make sure I approach it the best way I can. Problem is that I just don't see what that way is.
I know I am all over the place today. I just feel lost today. I feel like all I have worked so hard for could be lost because I can't control myself. I feel like I am going to do the wrong thing and the sad part is, I don't even know what the wrong thing is.
