I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this. It is incredibly painful stuff to go through. It is a choice you have made that carries with it a lot of consequences that are tough to deal with. But, it shows just how strong and understanding you really are.
I think it is time to get back to feeling that. What you are doing now isn't good for anyone, least of all yourself. And the most important thing about DBing is taking good care of yourself.
I am more moody in private but I think pretty good overall in front of her and others. I promise you, this is almost certainly not the case. I would be dumbfounded if your W can't read your moodiness and if she doesn't resent your silent sullenness.
I am already starting to do the passive/aggressive thing and I HATE that!
You are giving her more of the same, she doesn't know why, and it isn't going away. You are predicting how she will react and not giving her the chance to treat you decently or her the chance to see you be supportive while being respectful toward yourself and your own needs.
I think maybe the problem is that you are stuck in a DB mode in which the person has left the R pretty much entirely. In such a case, demanding info about the OP and making demands about contact is really entirely out of place. Their life is really none of your business in that case and that fact needs to be accepted. The ban on R talk and OP talk is to keep you from intruding on their personal space in unwelcome ways and to hopefully get you to take a look at yourself rather than obsessing about the OP and A.
However, you are in a different place now. W is not threatening divorce. W is initiating R talks. W seems to want to try to work on things. She is now back in the game. You are again in some kind of R together and what she is doing IS YOUR BUSINESS. It affects your choices. Her contact with OM is relevant to your boundaries -- boundaries that are YOURS but that you need to share with her. At this point, you are really starting to slip into victim mode.
WHO CARES if W thinks you were snooping? You can tell her directly what and how you found it. You CANNOT PREDICT what she will say reliably. Moreover, you CANNOT CONTROL her thoughts.
If she jumps all over you for snooping, that is her lashing out in anger because it makes her feel guilty and have bad feelings about herself. She is going to have those feelings, she is going to have to process those feelings.
All you are doing by avoiding is enabling her to keep up a reasonable level of comfort that is best maintained by some kind of interaction with OM so she doesn't have to face herself. She doesn't have to face herself because she isn't having to deal with authentic reactions from you and she doesn't have to deal with the fallout of a clean break with OM.
If she does accuse you of snooping, you can simply tell her, "W, I explained what happened, I wasn't looking for anything. And, right now we are talking about my boundaries with respect to you and OM and my requirement for honest communication here. I am not interested in being redirected to a sideline fight. If you want to discuss the snooping issue later, that is fine."
She is going to be mad and angry and unreasonable with you plenty of times throughout this--she will project over and over again. If you avoid conflict you miss the chance for an authentic honest R. You miss the chance to grow together rather than apart. You stay a player in the pattern that keeps this sh*t going.
The only winning move is not to play. (Didn't you learn anything from Wargames? )
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