Today I feel as UN-DB as ever. I don't feel like doing this anymore. I don't feel like "ignoring negative stimuli" anymore.
I guess for some reason, that receipt was a catalyst to me "attaching" again. I seem to be noticing all the little things again, like the phone call she got at 7:30 this morning from him (she didn't answer, and I only know it was him because I was moving stuff from her car to mine and her phone was sitting on her seat...caller ID right on the front) and the fact that she went to the gym about 1/2 hour after I left this morning.
Yea, I know. I FREAKING KNOW. I know I am not taking my own advice and I know I am having a pity party, and NO, it DOESN'T feel good.
It seems to me that tonight is the night. I don't think I can keep this stuff in anymore. The problem is that I DON'T feel compassionate or loving towards her. IF I bring the receipt up tonight, I doubt it will start out as an expression of concern and even if it does, when she denies it being hers or some other dumbass excuse, it won't STAY an expression of concern.
Sorry, I am angry today. I am venting like never before and I hope it just stays venting. I JUST WANT more than this. I DESERVE more than this but I feel like the way I have gotten to this "better" place in my marriage is starting to fail me. I still believe in DB but I am having a really hard time applying it today.
I really feel like I am back at the beginning again. Sure, my sitch may be far beyond that, but I feel like I have somehow lost my ability to cope with this, to DB. I need to get control of myself or else I feel like I am going to say something I don't want to say, when I don't want to say it. I am already starting to do the passive/aggressive thing and I HATE that!
I know I need to stop, I just don't seem to want to right now. It's been a LONG time since I have "enjoyed" the pain, but it seems that's what I am doing right now.
Hopefully this venting will do me some good. I don't even really feel like getting much advice (or pity) right now, especially harsh advice because I KNOW I AM JUST BEING EMOTIONAL and irrational. I just feel like doing the fetal thing under my desk and sleeping for long enough that it's all over, whatever "over" ends up being.
I want to give up. I WON'T give up but I want to and that's bad enough to me.
GH
P.S. Please just ignore this if you want. I may go dim for awhile until this passes...
