I had just finished posting on a different section about being totally confused and crushed about the mixed signals I was getting from my wife. Just today, I went to give her a "good morning" kiss, and she turned away. She had never done that before.
Then about the same time I hit "Post" I got an IM from that AOL thingy we both keep running in the background. I've changed the screennames to "Wife" and "Me", but here is the transcript. I could spend the rest of the day kissing anybody that walks by.
Wife: boo Me: Hey there babe. What's up? Wife: not much.... after the kids go to bed tonight... lets talk, ok? Me: I'm scared. Should I be? Wife: no Wife: been thinking alot these last few days... about our discussion late the other night Me: ........good....... Wife: How do I try to change what I am doing and what I am feeling? Wife: i have no idea Me: You're looking to make these changes is the best thing. Wife: i am getting so depressed lately. Me: I know I will never go back to the way I was. You know you can count on me for anything and everything, and you have me and the kids who love you more than the world itself. Wife: i know, that is the hardest thing, I feel so in a state of uncertainty and flux, and feel so damn selfish because of my feelings Me: I know you have been a bit depressed, but let us help you. Your feelings are not selfish. I've been doing a lot of reading lately... Wife: about what? Me: About everything..... relationships, etc. What I can do to change ME, what I can do to help YOU, lots of stuff. Wife: maybe I am getting the "27 phenomenon" LOL, gary would be proud Me: hehe - actually you seem to fall into a Mid Life Crisis category... sort of along the same lines (That's not to say it's your fault) Wife: probably, just someone tell me its ok... cause i just dont know Me: Most mid-life crisises start due to something their partners did / didn't do. And we both know what I did... Me: Everything WILL be ok. That I promise. Wife: i dont think its a mid life crisis per se, but so much about me has changed, weight, confidence, house, kids, etc.... that I have just been in just doubt as to the decisions i made before I was the person who I am now Me: That's exactly it. Wife: maybe it has been too much change and me wanting things to be different (between us) in the last year Me: But remember it's those choices which made you what you are now. Me: (you type too fast sometimes. ;P) Wife: hmm, rarely am I accused of that.. Wife: its hard, and temptations are everywhere to change.. Me: hehe - All I know is that I am so proud of what you have become, what you are, and where you are going. I have never been more in love with you than I am today. Unfortunately I am just now learning how to let that show. Wife: thanks.. Wife: I feel like a wishy washy blob lately, that cant seem to make any correct decisions that will make everyone happy Wife: myself included Me: We'll get through this, we just need to work on reading each other and then helping each other over these hurdles. Wife: well, I have come to an internal decision that you are absolutely honest and willing to leave the things that you were doing in the past. I think I need to put more effort into accepting you and letting my heart heal and feel what I need to be a wife again Wife: Those feelings still need to come back, but I need to put more effort into it. I can clearly see that. I guess I had an "epiffany" today. I just feel like I have not been fair as well. Me: (I'm crying now... You don't know how long I have been waiting for you to say that...) Wife: I am crying too, feel stupid sitting in my cubicle trying not to let people see me Me: I read something about couples who have been married for 5 years or more, falling into something called a "deep love." Wife: what is that? Me: It's sort of like a "comfort zone". The sparks are not always there all the time, but it's more of a security knowing the other person will always be there for you. Me: I'll see if I can find out where that came from. It was an interesting article. Wife: called pair bonding i think, I never expect the feeling that one has when dating to remain. but the admiration and communication and, above all, respect for the other must be there. Wife: so many things are happening for us right now, for the good. I do not want to throw that all away Me: I think that is what let me fall into the trap I did. I just assumed you knew I cared. And you are right, I know now that the communication was my terrible weakness. I have always admired and respected you, but either I didn't tell you, or I went about it in the wrong way. Wife: and I let my respect for you fall, without effectively communicating that it was happening. On top of that, getting atttention from other men, due to me losing weight, made me more unsure of your feelings, and hense I lost mine. Me: Oh man, I want to give you a hug right now. Did you take lunch yet? (erm..... what men?) Wife: oopps did i say that? :-) Wife: yes, just got lunch.. got a salad at Kroger Wife: i told you about the one gentleman Wife: others were just friends or annoyances, but there was a temptation with the one guy Me: Yes, I knew about him. But it was all online, how did he know what you looked like other than that one picture? Wife: i had told him about losing weight, and had given him our website address Me: Oh. OK. (Man, I don't want to go back to work... I have the biggest shit eating grin on my face right now.) Wife: he very much wanted to meet me, was pretty depressed at the time, too, because you had the "I dont care if you talk to other men" attitude Me: I didn't care if you talked to other men. But that was because I thought you were perfectly happy. That all stopped the second I knew you weren't. I'm very jealous of you, but I was convinced I had nothing to fear. Wife: Jealous of me? why? Me: Because you are goddamn gorgeous, that's why. Wife: aw shucks.... Wife: thanks for talking.... you were worried in the beginning, werent you? Me: I was scared to death. Wife: sorry Wife: bad choice of opening words Me: Sharon, what you followed it up with afterwards made up for it more than you could ever know. Wife: i have just felt so lonely lately, and I cannot help but wonder if it is because I am not looking at who is right in front of me. Wife: i am not saying we are out of the woods, i think i (we) still need to come a long way. but its a start. Wife: and i have missed you, the simplicity of just being together Me: I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you. You are the love of my life. And I know we can do anything as long as we do it together. Me: I've missed you too terribly. That was absolutely the hardest part for me. Wife: Bye, got to go, lunch is over... call me in a while Me: I will. Bye for now.
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I don't know what it is about being online, but it's so much easier to type words that to say them sometimes. I don't know if that's a good thing in the long term, but for right now I couldn't care less.
