Well, I'm feeling a little better mentally this morning although the bronchitis which I've had for 3 weeks is still with me and doesn't seem to be improving any. Gosh I seem to have a moan a day at the moment, I must stop that.
OK, dinner invites. When I was still separated but my H was turning, I invited him on date - that's a first! - and it didn't go the way I wanted it to. I was eager to move things along and in a way was testing him as well as myself. He plays golf on the same night every week. However, it was 29th Feb and I thought I would throw caution to the winds. I was going to set him up to meet me for dinner but hire a hotel room, order in dinner and champagne and ask him to marry me.
Of course he didn't know all that, I simply asked him if he would meet me for dinner and drinks on that night. In fairness I didn't give him much notice, I asked him the night before. My test of him was to see if he would cancel his golf to promote our improving relations. And I must admit I enjoyed hearing him squirm over what to do and what to say to me. However, my test of me, was that I let him off the hook easily. He offered to go on the next night but that would not have fitted with my plans and I just said cheerfully, never mind we'll do it another time. He pushed a little for the next day but I said not to worry, I had plans for that night (I didn't) and we would make it another time. I didn't want to sound like I would do anything just to have dinner with him and make myself sound 'needy'.
That was the point where I realised that yes, I was detached and I had really let go and I could handle talking to him and seeing him without falling apart either during or after. And I think it let him see that I wasn't going to push or give him a hard time because he wouldn't fit in with my plans.
The following week, he asked me to go for drinks and dinner because he needed to discuss something. The reason was his new job offer but it gave him a good excuse to make a move. That was on the Wednesday, he came around on Thursday and we talked more, he came to see the children on Friday and before he left, he said he wanted to move back in that day.
Now I can't say the same will happen for you. I didn't have an OW to deal with but at the end of the day, it can only be yourself you change and your relationship and the way you relate to your H. My H had decided and told me many times, that there was no chance for us because I would never change. But I did change, I did it for me and it astounded him.
So, if he says this doesn't mean anything about being back together just say you know that and it's OK, you just wanted to invite him for dinner, it's no big deal, and smile or even laugh, acting as if you don't know where he got the idea that you had anything else in mind. Just make sure that you believe that too. Don't have any expectations more than a pleasant evening and pleasant conversation. Your attitude will confuse him because what he expects is more of you telling him how you've changed, more talk about OR, more upset. Don't volunteer any information about yourself, let him find it out by himself and for himself. If he talks about work or problems, be sympathetic and supportive without being gushy. Try and keep your mouth shut and let him fill the silence, let him initiate anything you talk about. If he starts to talk about OR or how he doesn't want to come back, how it's finished, just gently ask him if you could both just drop that subject for tonight because you don't want to argue or for either of them to get upset. Slow yourself down and think what you are saying before you say it and you will be able to stay out of trouble.
Physical changes are great and help us all to feel better about how we look but the changes that make a difference are the ones we do with our heads and our emotions. I have never been a devious or manipulative person and I really thought I couldn't do this, it would be tantamount to manipulating. What I discovered was that I wasn't doing anything to manipulate him, I was simply doing it to myself and making myself happy in the process. I wanted him back in my life but he didn't start to want that too until I truly believed that I wanted him but didn't need him. It changed the look on my face and the way I said things and dealt with things. Getting upset didn't make me happy so I didn't let anything upset me, not even when he didn't make it for the 29th. My view is that he was controlling the situation. The more he knew I needed him back, the more he heard that I wanted him to see things my way, the more he dug himself deep into believing what he was doing was right. You can't make him see changes, or believe things are different by telling them or doing anything to point it out. You have to be different, react differently to what they expect and be calmly nice and caring and let them see that no matter what is going on, that they don't have control over you. You are thoughful, dignified and happy. If you can carry this off, be assured that they go home thinking. No longer are they reacting from a defensive position. If you aren't attacking them or pleading with them or telling them what to do, then they have nothing to be defensive about. They might not consciously admit it to themselves straight away, but they enjoyed your company, they had a pleasant evening and that was the last thing they expected to happen. But they will be cautious. The events and conversations after that evening have got to be dealt with the same way. When you talk on the telephone (to anyone) make yourself smile because it really does make a difference to your words. They can't hear you smile at the other end of the phone but they can feel you smiling in every pleasant word you say.
I know your intial reaction will be - I can't do that. But you can Ronnie, and you will be amazed at how much better you feel yourself. I was totally in shock that it had such a profound affect on my H. I think that is why Michele says "we are very aware of how our spouse's actions affect us, but very low in awareness about how our actions affect our spouse". That's what makes taking the leap of faith so difficult for all of us. We have to see that what we are doing is having a negative affect and believe that doing it differently could have a positive affect.
I made a startling discovery about myself yesterday. I realised that the reason I detached very quickly (once I found out that I had to do it) is probably because I've had to practice it (without really knowing) for many years with members of my family. And the reason for my emotional disturbance yesterday was that I had been forced out of my detachment.
I also see that I was so distracted that I actually signed my real name on one of the posts - something I have seriously avoided on this site.
I still haven't got your e-mail address yet because the address was wrong, but I'll write again today and see if that works.
I hope this helps to give you a little more PMA but don't expect miracles of yourself. Don't do anything until you feel you are ready to cope with it and able to control your own reactions and emotions. If you end up fallng apart in the middle of dinner, it won't have the desired outcome. Don't expect miracles of him either. This is a small step and there are lots more ahead.
Remember, you can't discuss any issues with him until you both find that the way you are dealing with one another is different and better and happier. You've got to do that for yourself and he also has to find that out and do it for himself. Nothing about the future will change unless you make it different.
