Thankyou all for expressing exactly what I have been struggling with. My problem is not trusting my H again but learning to accept his love in the ways that he shows me he loves me and not in the ways I daydream about. Your right I could wait until the cows come home for him to turn into Mr. Romance. It just isn't him.
I know he loves me and he has apologized for his affair and accepted responsibility for his actions. He is doing all he can from his point of view to repair our relationship. Problem is he thinks it is fixed and he is happy so he thinks I should be too. He doesn't think about what happened I am sure as it is uncomfortable for him while I think about it all the time. I keep asking myself how he could have crossed the line? How could he have carried on with OW and how did he justify his actions to himself? Just what are his moral values and who is he anyway? Do I really know him because the man I have been married to for 30 years wouldn't have done what he did. But all this dwelling on it is only driving me crazy and frustrating him.
Affection has always been a big issue with me. He doesn't show affection the same way I do and I haven't understood in the past that he shows affection his way. While I was DBing saving this marriage I hoped that when he decided he wanted to work on our marriage that would mean he would be willing to do all those little affectionate things that we women love. Well it hasn't worked out that way and now I am having to accept the fact that he is from Mars just like the book says and is very different from those of us who came from Venus.
Delaceyk your post was very helpful to me. I understand and feel the same way you do and I want the same things you want. I don't want the details of his affair but I do want him to keep telling me how much he loves me and that he was wrong and that it will never happen again. But he said those things once and Martians generally feel that saying something once is enough.
MaryBB your post was also right on target. I have been having times of great sadness thinking about all that he did and the pain and sadness that I could not show him while I was Dbing my butt off is now bubbling to the surface and I have been struggling with it. I am beginning to see from you all that I have to let go of these feelings or they will destroy what I have fought so hard to achieve.
I think learning how to focus on the positives and let go of the negatives is the answer. I am seeing our DB therapist alone this week because it became real obvious in our last couple of joint sessions that my H is happy and loves me but I am the one now who has a problem. I have many resentments and I have set the bar too high for my H to have any chance of meeting my expectations. I think she is going to tell me again how resentments can ruin what I have worked so hard to accomplish. Maybe she can explain how he could have done what he did and how and what he is thinking to me. For sure I can wait till the cows come home before he tells me.
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in what I am going through. I will keep looking for the silver lining and watching this thread for more help.
