For me, I have trouble with "anniversaries" of bad things--like this past Xmas I kept thinking of the previous Xmas Eve when he was in another room talking to OW (I found out later) and spent no time shopping for presents for our daughter and me; also the first anniversary of my discovering the affair is coming up.
(Brief history--I discovered affair last March. Never separated. He ended the affiar, but was still acting very resentful (the main cause of the affair was likely resetnment...). Retrouvaille weekend last June turned us around. Our sex life is very sporadic--not on my initiative--but that's another story. He's dedicated to restoring our marriage, but he never talks about it and I seem to spend 12 hours a day thinking about it).
I just get so sad--and mad--but these negative feelings invariably pop up when we're not together. When we are together things feel really good. He's not a verbal person, but it's clear he truly regrets what he did--but I guess I really want to hear him beat himself up for it--of course, he'd probably rather put it out of his mind, because he's probably so ashamed. He never SAYS the magic words "ILY" but his Xmas and Vaentine cards were wonderful.
Will I ever lose these feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, depression? PMA definitely helps for the time being--or just looking at one of those cards.
Oops--and now to get to the point of this topic... I feel that because he never really owned up to everything that he did (details of the big affair, probably other affairs--most likely emotional) that I can never really trust that he won't do it again. He hasn't really told me anything what I didn't already know.
I keep telling myself that if he'd just say "I can't believe what I did to jeopardize our family and disrespect you. I'll answers any and all of your questions. I'll never do it again. I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me." then all would be well in my head. But I'd probably still have my doubts.
[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited 02-22-2000).]
