Today was an interesting day to say the least. I had a long meeting this morning with an owner that we manage property for. I respect and admire him very much. My W told him a while back the she and I are separated (her kind way of saying she wants a D). He sent me a kind e-mail back then saying that I and my family are in his prayers. I responded that his kind words and prayers are greatly appreciated. Today, he asked my about I am doing personally. Knowing that he knows somewhat of my marital difficulties, I tell him some of my issues. He responds that he has been in a similar situation with a WAS for 6 months. I had NO idea about his personal difficulties. I talked with him and told him that I have been working hard to keep my head on straight, above water, focused on me and our children. He told me that he knows of several other men in our same predicament. I also told him about this website and wrote it down on my card. He said he had been here, but I could tell he hadn't really "taken up residence" like so many of us have to save our M, our sanity, our families, ourselves. In the same strange way that I feel better knowing that I do not have a monopoly on marital troubles by coming here, I had the same feeling with someone I am familiar with and respect in my personal life. He said that we live in a disposable society. I have to agree. Both of our spouses vaporize anyone who does not immediately back them in their ways and thoughts. I told him, it sounds like you and I have been married to the same woman. Anyway, I have always liked and respected this man, but now I feel a real kinship with him and I think I will pursue a peronal relationship for support for both of us.
Also, I went to see my counselor today. she pointed out that I spent almost the entire session talking about my W and our not-so-pleasant interactions. I told her that I am reading Co-dependent No More. She said that is a great book and then gave me her simple definition of a co-dependent.
Quote: A co-dependent is someone who puts the needs of others ahead of their own to the detriment of themselves.
I talked alot about beliving that my W is capable of changing. She said that is your co-dependency talking. After 12 years of recovery in A.A., she should have already changed for the better and have a clear understanding of herself and how to be in a successful relationship, IF she was really working the program and not just socializing. My W often talks about all of the healing and self work she has done. Honestly, it seems to me to be superficial knowledge that has not penetrated to her core and affected who she IS. But, maybe that's just my perception. I was only involved with her for 8 years and married for 6+. I just don't want to believe that someone who is so intelligent and charming can't make the positive changes she so clearly (at least to me) needs. But then again, she tells others that she is TOO INTELLIGENT to let alcohol affect her life negatively. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isnt' that what EVERY addict says about their drug of choice because they are so deeply in denial??
Anyway, I am in search of an al-anon and a co-dependents group that I will be able to work the program in to better myself and better my life. I do not want to repeat this mess and if, by the grace of God, my M makes a turn for the good, I will be better equipped to help insure our M survives in a healthy and happy way
