Well, today I am more settled and more clear than ever. I know my W and I know that working on my M is my job. I also know that I need to nurture myself by GAL and that by nurturing myself I will be able to grow my patience in my sitch.
My W's friends fill her head with horror stories about how nasty divorces ARE. I know divorces CAN BE nasty, but ours has not been nasty. I know that right now I am the only one who believes in and wants to reconcile and rebuild our M and keep our nuclear family together. But that's OK for now. I have learned that I can change the dynamics of OR by myself and that, right now, the work is MINE and God's.
Also, my W's friends say that I can be nasty; that she should be on the look out for me. Of course, I said nothing about her behavior towards me. As I said previously, since I started being gently assertive and standing up for myself when attacked, she has taken to apologizing for her surly behavior. Hmmm.... I am taking notice of the baby steps and keepin' on keepin' on with my DB efforts.
One of the more recent issues with my W is that I am moving into a complex that one of my co-workers lives at. My W begins asking me if I have a thing for my co-worker. I stopped her and told her, "I will answer your question, but first I want to ask you one. I thought that you and I were NOT going to be asking questions about the other's personal lives?" She then backs up and tells me, nevermind, it's none of my business. I told her, "No, I am not interested in my co-worker. But since I have stopped asking you about your personal life, I would appreciate it if you would stop accusing and asking me about mine." She agreed. Hindsight is 20/20. I needed to tell her that when she decides to work on reconciling/rebuilding our M I will answer ALL of her questions about my personal activities. What does the DB community think about that. I won't take credit for that statement, one of our DB posters said that in a previous post.
One last issue to discuss again. Weekends with our children. I am really unsettled with my W's wanting to change our weekend setup. I am trying to figure out why I feel so against splitting the weekends with our children. Within the next month I will have my own place for the first time since we separated. I know I will be working on GAL and I feel that my W's proposed change would work against me to getting my life in order and moving on in the path we are currently on. My friends say that splitting the weekends would really work against me settling into my new life's structure. Although I am not settled into my new place and really haven't started building my new life, I feel that splitting the weekend is going to be a hindrance to me moving on and getting settled into my new life. I know that in the past, the way my W wanted things is the way they went. I am fearful that I will have trouble changing that behavior and inisting on doing what is fair and right. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I am getting stronger every day, but I know my weakness is my W and her requests for her own way.
I need you words of encouragement to keep fighting the good fight. I know that working on me and keeping my heart open to reconciliation/rebuilding my M is the right thing to be working on. Sometimes I need my DB compatriots to lean on and hold me up. Thank you for reading my sitch.
I AM keeping up the good fight. I BELIEVE that it is way too early to give up. We're only in Round 1 of this match. It appears that my W wishes I would give up b/c, as she says, she doesn't want me to get hurt. I have told her that I am already heartbroken, so please don't worry about me being hurt further. I am PRO-marriage. I also know that, right now, this is how she wishes our M to be. No blame, no guilt. It is what is, and I am where I am. I heard a great sermon on CD this weekend. The message was, "Where ever I go, There I am." The sub-message was, "I am {insert a positive attribute or an affirming thought; NOTHING negative}.
I truly desire to make our M survive and thrive. I desire to keep our nuclear family intact. I know that I am not in this alone. Thank you for pointing that out to me Amy. THAT's what keeps me puttin' one foot in front of the other every day.
BTW Amy, I read all of the verses that you previously posted for me. Thank you for being my spiritual guide. I need that; especially now.
No matter how far from grace we fall, HH, He still remains on the throne. Nothing changes that. And even at our worst, we can not be separated from His love.
Tonight I went to my W's house to be with and care for our children. Right away she starts barking at me that her mother said that I had ALL of the information for an account that we were due to take over. I had previously told my W that I DO NOT have any of the needed information b/c I faxed the forms to the new owner and he never faxed them back. Again, I told my W this already and asked her to tell her mother that I never received the owner info back and ask for directions based on that fact. My W never did that and was getting pissed at me bacause I kept telling her what I already told her and anwered, "I don't know" to questions I truly did not have an answer for due to NO response from the new owner.
Regardless, my W left and I started making phone calls by calling:
1. 411,
2. the office of the realtor,
3. then scrolling thru their directory to find the actual agent,
4. then talking with the agent (it was forward to her cell)
5. and also getting the buyer's phone # for my W.
I called my W and she came back to get a key and I gave her the info. She thanked me. But again, I am doing for her on her time. Grrr.
My W came back at 10:30 and I told her that I wanted to review the children's weekend schedule with her. Instantly she went into a tirade talking about how she has the children 24/7 and I try to pass myself off as a "great father" and yet I want to limit my time with our children. She also told me she needs more help. What that means, I don't know. I responded that I am a great father and that she says nothing to me except when she calls for help at the last minute and I have usually been there to help out. She tells me that I only want to see our children 4 nights/week. I responded that I have them 2 weeknights EVERY week plus every other weekend. She tells me THAT is only for a couple of hours. I responded, hmmmm...6:00PM to 10:30 or 11:00 or midnight is only a couple of hours? Besides, I told her that I will have my own place within a month and then I will take them overnight on my weeknight evenings. She said it's not my {bleeping} fault that you don't have your place yet. Hindsight again: Mind you, I am not living at home because I was nice enough to move out of my home before it was necessary to do so.
Needless to say, I believe my W had been drinking this evening but, was NOT drunk. The ugly side of my W's personality comes out full force when she drinks; mean, agressive, nasty, selfish, and mean-spirited. But she is NOT an alcoholic, according to her. Riiiiiight!
I read a list of questions to determine if someone is or is not an alcoholic. Answering them for my W, she would have answered YES to at least 3 and most likely 4 of the questions if she answering them truthfully. According to the quiz: "If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic."
My W thinks she is too smart to let alcohol affect her in a negative way. This from a woman who went to A.A. for 12 years to stay clean and sober. She says she is just out having fun. I am VERY afraid of the denial she lives in. She's definitely her mother's daughter.
Later on in the conversation, my W said her mother told her that I would get interested in dating someone and lose interest in our children. To which I responded again, "well, with family members like that, who needs enemies?" I continued, I told you before that my personal life is not open for discussion, but once again, for the last time, I will tell you that I am not interested in anyone else.
I also told my W, I once told you that our children are my life. I told her, "You said, 'You better get another life!'" She instantly defended herself and said that she never said that. I told her, well then, the thing you never said hurt me very badly.
My W continued on with saying that she needs help with our children. I asked her what does that help look like to you? No answer. I often ask her open-ended questions and she often doesn't answer them. I also told her that I am paying child support for her to have our children 2/3 of the time. I told her last week that when I get my own place, I will be happy to take our children 50% of the time. Again, she couldn't backpedal fast enough. She didn't really want to be with our children less, she just wanted to b*tch at me. If I were to guess, I'd guess that she wants me around to be the house servant who didn't talk, who would do chores, who would care for the children...all without passing judgment, having a feeling or making a comment. Wouldn't we all like to be served like that...?
Well, we ended the conversation with my W asking me to be with our children on Sat night and Sun til 5:00 PM b/c she has a GF's 30th Bday party to attend. Of course she had no backup plan. Any positive thoughts and prayers you all may send my way will be greatly felt and appreciated. I am feeling tired from swimming upstream for my M. Thanks for reading.
Two facts about my sitch that I find interesting. Perhaps I shouldn't find them interesing though.
First, I previously posted that I left my copy of DB with my S. She initially told me that it didn't pertain to us and I assured her that it did and asked her to keep it with her and to please read it at her leisure, no pressure, no asking about it. She has not offered it back to me again. Of course, I have no idea if she is leafing through it, reading it, or it's just collecting dust. I just know she is in possession of it and has the option to give it back. I sometimes want to ask for it back, but I refrain. I'd rather buy a different copy than take away the chance that she MIGHT crack it open. Again I am, probably wrongly, taking this as a positive sign.
Second, I still have not been served even though my W told me that she sent back the paperwork to our mediator weeks ago. I called our mediators office and confirmed that, yes, I do in fact need to be served in the process. Again, there I go again thinking this is a positive baby step (sign), when in fact, it may very well be nothing at all like, most things we have gone through during this process.
Anyway, I need to keep diligently working on my PMA. Pray with me. Please pray for me.
Today I found out that the reason I didn't have the information on the new account at work was thay my MIL had the documents, signed them and gave them to the bookkeeper. No one ever told me, BUT my W was told by the BK 2 weeks ago that the BK had the documents that had been both faxed back and signed by my MIL. SO, my W knew all along WHO had the documents and that I DID NOT have them. I told her the truth and she refused to believe me and chose to act jerky to me. NOT a positive step.
Today my W also tells me she has a busy weekend and wants to know if I will take our children this entire weekend. Last weekend was MY weekend and she wanted our children back on Saturday at 5:00 PM, apparently no adult plans. I complied. Now, I have already committed to taking them on Sat eve thru Sun at 5:00 PM to accommodate her plans for her GF's Bday party. I am inclined to say NO to taking them for this entire weekend. This has been HER weekend for quite some time and now she dumps this request on me cuz of her sudden plans. My feeling is too bad for you and your plans on YOUR weekend. That feels crappy, but I also feel it's necessary. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need to respond to her today. If the answer is NO, then the answer is NO. Hopefully I can get the perspective of people who are not knee deep in my sitch.
Feeling weak in the knees fighting the good fight. Am I punch drunk? I know I have the stamina to make it through the last round. I'm just feeling really beat up.
So many people here understand how you feel - I think it's nearly impossible to not go through these emotional waves, and I don't know that any of the really bad spots are offset by anything really good. The frame of mind our spouses are in is probably similar, but it's no consolation. As over-said as it is, you just have to root around in your mind to find some positive things, and maintain control over your thoughts to keep from "wallowing". All this DB effort amounts to SOMEDAYS is a way of keeping your dignity and pride - worth doing no matter what! On the other hand, it isn't a wasted effort on the ones we love, either - kids or spouses. Tomorrow probably won't be the day everything changes, but a little might change every day and get you your reward - which you deserve. Hang in there - you can only control yourself, and it WILL be noticed.
