I was reading your thread and I came across something that hit home with me from OT. OT mentioned narcissistic personality disorder. I described my W as narcissistic. I Googled NPD and was "wowed." Talk about hitting the nail on the head with my W. Thank you OT. I never new there was a name for describing my W's personality. Helps me to understand that I have not been crazy all along. I WAS seeing what I was seeing. Thanks.
Went to work today, of course. My W was working today and made several phone calls to me. I have been breaking my autopilot with regard to either taking her calls or calling right back to help her. I have been doing a much better job of letting it go to voicemail and calling her back when it fits into my schedule instead of letting her wants supercede my schedule. She actuall commented on it today by saying, "Why can't I get you on your cell phone?" I told her I often leave it in my car since I am not waiting on calls from anyone. She rolled her eyes on moved on.
My D's class put on a singing play tonight. It was so cute. I was there with my W, MIL, and S(9 months). My S only wanted to be in Daddy's arms. I think it bothers my wife that my D is a Daddy's girl and my S is a Daddy's boy. She has told her potential beaus that it makes her sick that MY blood is in their veins. Hopefully that sentiment has softened. And yes, that was a cheeseless tunnel that cured me. I did NOT need to know tht sentiment. This is hard enough already.
My W went out to dinner with her mother tonight after the play. My MIL came back driving my W's car saying the my W ran into a girlfriend. Riiiiiiiiiight! I don't believe much of what my W says these days and apparently she has her mother lying for her. Oh well. Her mother said she told my W not be too late. To be a "good girl." Again, riiiiiiight. Again, oh well.
My plan for when she gets home is to say nothing and to be pleasant. I am going to kill her with kindness. No confrontations.
Well, my W came home drunk, again. She was dropped off around the corner and came in through the side garage door to avoid me. So much for "running into a girlfriend" as her mother said. *shrug* Our dog was barking, giving her entry away and I had my S in my arms trying to calm him. I saw her and even in the dark I could see her swaying and could tell that she was drunk. I said, "Oh, Sweetie, let me help you to you bedroom." She kept insisting she was NOT drunk as she staggered down the hallway and wanted me to get the <bleep> out.
I told her, you can call me a lot of things, but an irresponsible parent is not one of them. She wanted me to hand our S to her while she was standing. I told her I will as soon as you sit down. She did, so I handed our S to her. She only swore at me more and again told me to get out. She told me, "You think your a big help when you come here 2 nights a week. I deal with this (our fussy S) all the time. I asked her, "Drunk?" Mumbled response. I assured I would leave as soon as she had a little time to sleep and sober up.
I also told her, you have options. She said what are they? I told her, "You can give in to the fact that I am on the other end of the house or you can call the police and let them decide who is fit, right now, to be with our children. I handed her the phone and she started dialing, probably calling her date of the evening. I am still waiting for the police response.
I'll be here about another 3 hours. She'll be sober enough by then for me to feel comfortable to leave her as the "responsible" (again, riiiiight!!) adult here alone with our children. I told her that we can talk about her issues with me tomorrow when she is sober. She just swore at me more. The anger of my A has not dissipated one bit. It's usually much worse when she drinks.
Ahhh, drinking. ALL of her adult socializing is focuses around drinking. Again, she spent 12 years going to A.A. to stay sober from drugs (her ailment). Shen less that 2 years ago, decided she was not an alcoholic and began drinking. The drinking is our of hand in my estimation, but who am I to say, I am just the AH cheater trying to control her and ruin her single fun in her mind. Again, the narcissistic personality disorder rears its ugly head, made worse by adding alcohol.
Again, I go back to my MIL who lied for my W and who told me that she said to my W, "Go home in an hour. Be a good girl." Riiiiiight. It's ok. I believe her shenanigans are going to peter out. She'll get tired and lonely of running from the man who keeps "being there."
Thanks to Amy's support and direction, I am much closer to forgiving myself and honoring the power of the cross, thus I am better able to answer her requests from a position of strength and what is "right" instead of guilt. Before I began posting and reading posts on this BB I was lost. I am no longer lost. I am becoming a strong, more balanced, right thinking, level headed man. My W may benefit from my changes if she decides to, my children and I will regardless of what happens in my M. Thank you all for reading my long winded posts and offering direction, insight, and support.
This morning I called my W's cell phone to say good morning and talk to our D, like I always do. My W answered the phone and could clearly see it was ME calling. I was so cheerful and upbeat it made ME sick. I made no mention of her behavior towards me last night. I simply said, "Good morning, how is everybody?" She had me on speakerphone. I then said, "Did everyone get a good nights sleep?" My W was grumbling, but my D was cheerful and made me smile.
I felt great b/c I didn't let her behavior dictate my response. I was calm, cool, and collected. Later in the day, my MIL called me today and asked me what time my W actually made it home. I told her, I'll let her tell you the story. My MIL insisted so I told her. According to my counselor, simply recounting actual events is NOT "throwing her under the bus." I also told my MIL that she was dropped off on the side of the house and came in thru the garage door, so she couldn't have possibly been with a girlfriend. My MIL was silent since it was my MIL who told me that. But, I didn't call her a liar. She was trying to save face for her misbehaving D. I understand that. Of course, it would have been better to just say that she ran into "some people." My MIL also said that she called my W and got no return call. Hmmm....
Well, NM. In a perfect world, our M would have been loving and nurturing, I would have remained faithful, we wouldn't be where we are today. I know it's not a perfect world, but I am working to improve mine and my children's. One of the men I work with told me today, "There are no problems. Only solutions." That made me happy to think about life THAT way.
Well, that's it for now. My wife is calling me trying to make me punctual for her. Strange, she expects something of me that she rarely gave. Oh well, I guess I should call her back now.
Good night. This is my weekend with our children. Taking them to see my family again.
Friday evening my W told me why she was so drunk and mad at me on TH night. She said that she has been told be "someone" (my MIL most likely) that the main reason I wanted to change my weekend schedule with the children was to mess up her dating routine. I re-iterated to her that since her choice was to move forward with a D, then I needed to move on with my life and with only one of us (her) having a weekly weekend night off, it wasn't fair to me. I then told her, with good friends and family around to tell you sh*t like that, who needs enemies?
I know she's dating. Although it's not fine with me, I know I can't do anything about it, so why try? Anyway, she explained further, that after listening to her friends that divorces are nasty and she "should" be nasty. She was also warned about me! Interesting, b/c none of her friends know me other the one-sided version of any story my W would tell them regarding a disagreement. As I stated in a previous post, "No matter how thinly you slice a piece of bread, there are always TWO sides." I told my W, we are not fighting about money or the children. I suggested that she take a good look at the women and THEIR subsequent divorces to see why they would pass along such "advice." Again, I only wish my W would give me and our M a chance to reconcile and rebuild stronger than ever. Be this as it is, I do not begrudge my W's right to choose the path she has chosen due to my infidelity. It is her right. As it is my right to NOT give up!
Interesting story tonight. My W was talking about doing so much hard work to treat someone how to treat her right and then it's over. I asked her, "Have I learned to treat you even "marginally" better over the course of our realationship?" She giggled, saying, "YES! To bad it's over." To which I responded, well, you and I are going to be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives, so you will certainly reap the benefit of being treated better by me." She then said, well, you will be able to use what you've learned in your next relationship to make it go well. I said, I am not looking that far ahead. I am focusing on the present.
I know, fellow posters, that was probably a fruitless portion of the evening, but it still sticks out in my mind.
It's so predictable to know that my W has circled the wagons with a bunch of ANTI-marraige women. Interesting thing is that so many of them, including my W, pass themselves off as Christian. SIDEBAR: My W was telling me that since she found out about my A, she understood why the Bible says that infidelity is a reason for D. Well, being the analytical person that I am, I looked it up and found that nowhere in the Bible does it say, if Infidelity occurs you MUST then Divorce. The next day on the radio, they wwre talking about the A issue and they stated that the Bible was talking about the "chronically" unfaithful. Anyway, I ended up telling my wife that nowhere in the Bible does it say if Infidelity occurs you MUST then Divorce. Unfortunately, it apparently fell on deaf ears as people read the Bible the same way they live their lives an dlisten to others, piece by piece, verse by verse, compartmentalized, taking what serves them to support the path they have chosen
I told my wife, believe it or not, I am PRO-marriage and most people are NOT. She said I know you are. So am I. Hmmmm.... I wonder what that REALLY means to her. I wonder what being a Christian woman really means to her also. Probably nothing on both counts. More noise to keep me spinning my wheels.
I learned some things this week that are both sobering and sad. I can count on two fingers, the # of non-family members I can trust with my feelings. No matter, I have learned that lesson. I am going dark on so many friends that I am not absolutely certain I can trust to keep my confidence. Pretty much everyone in my life either lies or passes along only excerpts from a conversation with me so MY story is either convoluted or flat out wrong.
One more thing, my W finally brought up our weekend time with our children. She said it is too hard on her and our son to be away from him because he is only 9 mos. I don't believe it's hard on my son. He does great with me. I again told her, tell me what the weekend structure looks like to you and her proposal was that I take them on FRI or SAT evening, my choice, and she would take them on the other evening EVERY week. We would work out other special occassions together as they come up. I don't want to work out things "as they come up." I want it set, and we can talk about special considerations, but I want it set.
My gut reaction is NO, keep it set. I want the routine to be as I already proposed it, which is that I have a weekend with our children from Fri evening to Sunday evening, every other weekend. I am needing to GAL away from my family, so I feel that having every other weekind available to go away would help facilitate my GAL. Any thoughts on this subject?
In closing, I am having the hardest time putting up my walls to ward off my W and her requests for assistance for her. I am getting better at this, but then I backslide and jump right into being Mr. Helpful. I hate that trait of mine when it comes to her. I know I am not doing myself any favors being her darn "servant." Honestly, I don't think she is "making" me do these things, she just knows I will do pretty much whatever she asks. I am so predictable to her. Grrrr.
Well, I told her that I wanted to revisit whole weekend visitation structure with the children. I told her I will send her an e-mail. It's interesting, my 2 good friends tell me to keep my head up and to protect my interests with our children. They are NOT ANTI-marriage, just PRO-me. I find it so unfortunate that my W's camp is filled with a bunch of fearul, bitter, ANTI-marriage women whispering in my W's ear, filling her head with fears and possible future problems. But this is not unexpected, since her best friend is the one I "lovingly" refer to as the marriage cancer. Plus, my W has ALWAYS surrounded herself with her cronies who wouldn't dare question her path or position. Oh well, the are HER friends. And what nice friend to have! <SARCASM>
Any thoughts my fellow posters have about the weekend set up, let me know. My friends tell me splitting the weekends is not the usual set up. I don't like it. Am I being selfish. The change in my days/weekend time was my first request to change ANYTHING during our separation.
I am still hurting and hopeful. I always keep in mind the verse AmyC sent to me:
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.
Today has been a good day for me so far except that I see no signs of my W softening her position to end our M. That makes me sad. That's also my reality, for now.
I took my children to church with me this morning. I love taking them. Reminds me that should my M end, I am NOT losing my whole family, I am losing my W. After church I called my W to let her know I was going to pick up some diapers for our S and was checking to see if she wanted me to pick up something for her or the house. She responded that she was hungry so I offered to take everyone out for breakfast. It was a nice time, but again, this is what I do to myself. Always reaching out for ??? Exactly, nothing. But I don't seem to be willing (capable?) to learn from my mistakes. Any advice all?
I took them all home and my W is talking about some friends of hers who are getting a D, "like mommy and daddy" she says to my D. I cringe. Again, my new mantra is, "It is what it is and I am where I am." I am hurting, but I am a fighter and I've got a heck of a chin. I am not at the quitting stage, much to her chagrin.
I decided to keep my feelings regarding our weekend time with our children to myself today. I do need your thoughts on the subject though. For right now, I would like to leave our weekend setup as 1 weekend with my children and 1 weekend without my children. I believe this setup will help facilitate my GAL. Hopefully we can work out a schedule to spend on-on-one time with our children individually, which we don't do now. Again, I am looking for insight into my sticky sitch. Good news is I'll be in my own place by the end of June, which is only 5-6 weeks away. THEN I will be able to GAL going full swing.
One last thing, my D5 is really acting up these days. My D often tells me she is mad b/c I don't live with her. Again, this makes my A that much more painful b/c see its impact on my D. Can anyone recommend a good children's story Bible that would be appropriate for a 5 year old? I'd love to read Biblical stories to my D at night.
Well, that's it for right now. More on my travails tomorrow.
I am so sorry to read about the latest developments in your sitch. It sounds like your W has friends similar to my W's.
When my W was planning to leave me for the OM, I found one of her e-mails where she said that she and a couple of her best friends had spent the weekend deciding what to do (ie., how she was going to execute her exit). Both of these friends know me and had knowledge of the OM. And these are real friends? Where are the ones saying you should work things out with your H?
William Penn said: "Right is right even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong even if everyone is for it." The fact that my W's friends would assist her in leaving for the OM with all of its devastation is beyond me. I may not have been the best husband, but I always strived to treat my W and these friends with warmth and courtesy. Talk about feeling stabbed in the back! It is all very pathetic.
I feel your pain, brother. For me, I am able to plainly see that NONE of her friends are PRO-marriage. It is also plain to see that she has been looking for a way to get out and I handed it to her. THAT is my fault. Again, I do not fault her. I do feel that we would have a better chance if her circle were better balanced with PRO-marriage and truly friends. Oh well. As I say, it is what it is and I am where I am. No matter how bad a hand I have dealt myself with my A, I will play the best hand possible with these crappy cards.
Here's a quote that serves me well now. Perhaps it will serve you also.
Quote: It takes a little courage And a little self-control And some grim determination, If you want to reach the goal.
It takes a deal of striving, And a firm and stern-set chin, No matter what the battle, If you really want to win.
There's no easy path to glory, There's no rosy road to fame. Life, however we may view it, Is no simple parlor game;
But its prizes call for fighting, For endurance and for grit; For a rugged disposition And a don't-know=when-to-quit.
-UNKNOWN
and here are a few more Persisence quotes:
Quote: Never, never, nenver, never give up. -WINSTON CHURCHILL
Quote: It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again. -VINCE LOMBARDI
Quote: When I have fully decided that a result is worth getting I go ahead on it and make trial after trial until it comes. -THOMAS EDISON
Quote: Most people give up just when they're about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game, one foot from a winning touchdown. -H. ROOS PEROT
Quote: The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail. -NAPOLEON HILL
I hope quotes help you at least half as much as they help me keep on keepin' on. I feel much less lonely and I don't feel defeated because I know that others have overcome worse troubles in their lives that I have had to endure and I am NO quitter. I am a fighter, I am a winner, I a a strong Christian man fighting the good fight to save my marriage and to restore my nuclear family. Again, as Maxmimus said, STRENGTH AND HONOR! Fight your fights alongside me, brothers and sisters. HOLD THE LINE!
I think it bothers my wife that my D is a Daddy's girl and my S is a Daddy's boy. She has told her potential beaus that it makes her sick that MY blood is in their veins. Hopefully that sentiment has softened. And yes, that was a cheeseless tunnel that cured me. I did NOT need to know tht sentiment. This is hard enough already.
Later in the day, my MIL called me today and asked me what time my W actually made it home. I told her, I'll let her tell you the story. My MIL insisted so I told her. According to my counselor, simply recounting actual events is NOT "throwing her under the bus." I also told my MIL that she was dropped off on the side of the house and came in thru the garage door, so she couldn't have possibly been with a girlfriend. My MIL was silent since it was my MIL who told me that. But, I didn't call her a liar. She was trying to save face for her misbehaving D. I understand that. Of course, it would have been better to just say that she ran into "some people." My MIL also said that she called my W and got no return call. Hmmm....