I am at my W's house right now, have the children down sleeping. Nice evening. My D5 is really confused and trying to figure our her life. It's all been turned upside down by her parents. I try to reassure her that she is safe and that, no matter what, she will always have her mommy and daddy's love. She often tells me, "Daddy I want you to live with me" or "Daddy, I don't want you to leave." THAT breaks my heart, but I buck up and tell her I love her and that I will see her soon. I also tell her to call me anytime she is missing me.
A friend asked me today how I can be so calm and accomodating with my W out dating. I responded that, of course it bothers me, but what can I do? I told him I try to stay busy, and I DO NOT ask any questions. The specifics would only crush my spirit. As I said in an earlier post, she's gotta do what she's gotta do. I hurt her.
Now, for taking care of me. I have decided on a place to move "permanently" for now. THAT feels good to have a place to call my own after being homeless for the past 3 months. I will have a place for my weight equipment and I will have new adults to socialize with. I am a little excited about the prospect of getting out of my own head and participating in something; anything! My W drove by the place I will be moving to show my D the place where daddy will be moving. Not sure what that was all about, but oh well. Having my own place will be much easier for me to Go Dark and to GAL, both of which are sorely needed. It will also be much easier for my W to ask me to take our children more often on my "OFF" days to help her out, to which I will work really hard to say NO. AmyC put it best. I DO love my children and want to spend time with them, but my W wants to be single. I need to let her be single in EVERY way. I have spent 3 months accomodating her move towards a D and THAT needs to stop after tonight. I need to give my M a chance to survive and being a "nice guy" seems to be working against my goal, which is to save my M and family.
I am feeling stronger in my path to move on and GAL. I am also feeling more sad. One thing I have become clear on, though, I would NOT take my M back the way that is was. It was too much of a recipe for disaster and THAT disaster came. My counselor said obviously both of your needs were not being met. Mine certainly were not. I made awful choice because of that. BUT, I have learned from my mistake. I am growing. I am changing.
I'll keep posting, because I always need help staying on my feet. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading. 
