I am so glad you asked. I have been struggling with saying NO to my W when she has something to do, like a loan signing. She always wraps her request for me to do HER a favor by mixing my desires to be with my children all the time. I ALWAYS take HER loan signings as MY responsibility to relieve her of HER obligations to our children, grrrr.
The question often comes like this, "Do you want to spend time with your children tonight?" THAT is a guilt-laden question. Uhhh, no I don't want to see my children. She knows I am not the kind of man who doesns't want to see his children.
Regardless, I know I need to say no when I mean to say no. I am getting there, slowly. I have been reading the 10 pages of Going Dark posts and they make sense to me. I know that going dark or at least "dimming" is the only hope that I have that my W will see (& perhaps re-think)what she is going to lose if she continues on her D path.
I just find it so incredibly difficult to break my codependent pattern with her. I was talking with a woman today who told me you are so strong with everyone else in your life, but when you talk about your situation with your wife that strength disappears. I see the same behavior in myself. I am STRUGGLING! Most of the people in my life are tired of telling me the same thing over and over. I know they feel like I am wasting their time. I just wish they would just understand that they ARE giving me strength to move forward a little bit at a time just by listening. I find that hearing my words out loud is therapeutic. Same goes for posting here.
Last night I had a great time with my children and my W told me she had a signing tonight (T). She said I was the first one she asked, that she could ask her mother if I wouldn't be with our children. Dummy old me. I said yes, AGAIN. I know I need to let her inconvenience other people in her life. I know I need to stop preventing her from needing to call on others to assist her in her time of need. I know that going dark will help me do this, as will GAL.
Right now I know I need to journal A LOT to mend my heart and mind. Any thoughts you may have while I am journaling daily would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. I am feeling really lonely as I fight the good fight. It is a lonely battle for me. Thanks for reading and caring.
Thank you again, Amy for checking in on me. I desperately needed your "touch' to not feel so alone.
Jumping in, I have been folowing your sitch as well and it has given me great understanding about the other side of the fence.
Anyway, as far as the being at her beck and call, the first way to get out of that is to GAL. Start taking classes on evenings. Cooking class, photography, kung fu. Have a set workout schedule and DO NOT DEVIATE. Whatever. But have firm commitments in place so that she can't "guilt" you into anything. Be kind and understanding and just say that you need more advance notice if she wants you to watch the kids.
And then be sure to talk about what you learned to your kids at least so she will know that you aren't just gallavanting around town when you say you are doing X,Y,Z.
You are going to make it through this. I know it is hard but start making plans. You HAVE to GAL in order for you to detach and truly go dim or even dark.
Good luck, and I am rooting for you even though I may not respond to each post.
Many hugs.
You will come out of this a better stronger person. Trust in that.
I don't see anything at all about what you are doing to find out what God says about you. I see you reading secular self-help books and that is fine and they certainly can and will give you some good useful tools to help yourself but you call yourself a believer and I am certain He does not ever say you are a weak, co-dependant, brow-beaten man. Nope. He said you are ABOVE and not BENEATH, the HEAD and not the TAIL.....and that's just for starters. I can go on and will because it's roundabout this point in posting to someone that I start to really tell it like it is. It helped me tremendously to know what God had to say about me and about my family. It caused me to stand up out of the pool of self-pity, shame and unforgiveness. You need to know because He means YOU and YOUR family too!
Seek and you shall find. You ready to start knockin' yet?
I am at my W's house right now, have the children down sleeping. Nice evening. My D5 is really confused and trying to figure our her life. It's all been turned upside down by her parents. I try to reassure her that she is safe and that, no matter what, she will always have her mommy and daddy's love. She often tells me, "Daddy I want you to live with me" or "Daddy, I don't want you to leave." THAT breaks my heart, but I buck up and tell her I love her and that I will see her soon. I also tell her to call me anytime she is missing me.
A friend asked me today how I can be so calm and accomodating with my W out dating. I responded that, of course it bothers me, but what can I do? I told him I try to stay busy, and I DO NOT ask any questions. The specifics would only crush my spirit. As I said in an earlier post, she's gotta do what she's gotta do. I hurt her.
Now, for taking care of me. I have decided on a place to move "permanently" for now. THAT feels good to have a place to call my own after being homeless for the past 3 months. I will have a place for my weight equipment and I will have new adults to socialize with. I am a little excited about the prospect of getting out of my own head and participating in something; anything! My W drove by the place I will be moving to show my D the place where daddy will be moving. Not sure what that was all about, but oh well. Having my own place will be much easier for me to Go Dark and to GAL, both of which are sorely needed. It will also be much easier for my W to ask me to take our children more often on my "OFF" days to help her out, to which I will work really hard to say NO. AmyC put it best. I DO love my children and want to spend time with them, but my W wants to be single. I need to let her be single in EVERY way. I have spent 3 months accomodating her move towards a D and THAT needs to stop after tonight. I need to give my M a chance to survive and being a "nice guy" seems to be working against my goal, which is to save my M and family.
I am feeling stronger in my path to move on and GAL. I am also feeling more sad. One thing I have become clear on, though, I would NOT take my M back the way that is was. It was too much of a recipe for disaster and THAT disaster came. My counselor said obviously both of your needs were not being met. Mine certainly were not. I made awful choice because of that. BUT, I have learned from my mistake. I am growing. I am changing.
I'll keep posting, because I always need help staying on my feet. Thanks for reading.
Quote: Anyway, as far as the being at her beck and call, the first way to get out of that is to GAL. Start taking classes on evenings. Cooking class, photography, kung fu. Have a set workout schedule and DO NOT DEVIATE.
I will Mama. I will be moved into my new place before the end of next month, but my I will start GAL NOW. I have become chrystal clear that doing "more of the same" is the surest way to kiss my M goodbye. Exacly what I DON'T want to do.
Quote: But have firm commitments in place so that she can't "guilt" you into anything. Be kind and understanding and just say that you need more advance notice if she wants you to watch the kids.
You are a wise Mama. Again, I will. The LAST thing I want to do is to backslide. IMO, I have avoided that pretty well during all of this mess.
Quote: And then be sure to talk about what you learned to your kids at least so she will know that you aren't just gallavanting around town when you say you are doing X,Y,Z.
Will do.
Quote: You are going to make it through this.
I know, it's just hard to see that right now.
Quote: I know it is hard but start making plans. You HAVE to GAL in order for you to detach and truly go dim or even dark.
THIS is the hard part, I totally lost myself in my W and children. I know that what attracted her to me was that I AM a strong, confident, independent man. I know that man is still inside of me. I bring him out in every other aspect of my life. I'm working on bringing that man out in my W's presence. It's been happening, slowly.
Quote: Good luck, and I am rooting for you....
Thank you so much kind dear.
Quote: Many hugs.
Thanks again.
Quote: You will come out of this a better stronger person. Trust in that.
Quote: I don't see anything at all about what you are doing to find out what God says about you.
I see what you are saying. I have been attending our church service each Sunday, but have not taken to STUDYING the Bible. No excuse, but I have been totally consumed my sitch. Again, NO excuse.
Quote: ... I am certain He does not ever say you are a weak, co-dependant, brow-beaten man. Nope. He said you are ABOVE and not BENEATH, the HEAD and not the TAIL.....and that's just for starters.
I often forget WHO is in my corner ALL the time. Again, trying to be the captain of my own ship. Not good, I know.
Quote: ...it's roundabout this point in posting to someone that I start to really tell it like it is.
The truth is what I need. Please do.
Quote: It helped me tremendously to know what God had to say about me and about my family. It caused me to stand up out of the pool of self-pity, shame and unforgiveness.
You need to know because He means YOU and YOUR family too!
Doug01 recently posted to me regarding this EXACT issue. I am unclear about how to clear my head so that I may receive the message that God has spoken for my life. I have re-read his post, but I am making little headway. Perhaps my head is in the way of my headway?
Quote: Seek and you shall find. You ready to start knockin' yet?
YES, I am ready to start knockin.' Will you assist me in not only staying on my feet, but walking to my destiny?
Here is Doug01's post:
Thank you again Doug
Quote: Sorry about this long response, someone sent the verse below to me and I think you will enjoy it. Don't let the negative voices from the world around you make you feel less about yourself. You don't need these voices right now anyway. Many of us overanalyze our spouses every action/word, your not alone, so don't beat yourself up. Start by loving yourself as God loves you and unload the burden you are placing on your own heart by criticizing yourself.
1Pet. 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
The devil has a campaign against you going on at all times. His objective: To stop you from hearing what God is saying about you. God has spoken a word over your life, but the cares of this life, past experiences, and negative
influences will block you from hearing it. You must get into
position to hear what God has said about you. The enemy seems to already know because he is usually attacking the very place in your life that God is wanting to use. You must find that word. You must hear what God has said and
act on it. You must align yourself with the plan of God for you. The word has already been spoken, and now it needs to be activated! But you must know what it is before you can align yourself with it. That struggle for freedom,
that struggle for acceptance, that struggle for fulfillment is your unconscious plight to get that word. But you must know first that God has the word and you need to get closer to him to hear it so you can activate it in your life.
It's not hard to hear God. The hard part is deleting the other voices in your life so that you can hear him clearly. The television, the radio, the soaps, the movies, the boyfriend/girlfriend, the newspaper columns, the stories, the novels, the friends, the family, etc. are all voices! Many times we surround ourselves with
people, places, and things before we have learned to hear from God and that is dangerous. You could have people in your life blocking you or voices in your life detouring you. Take some time to find yourself! Not by searching inside of you, but by seeking the will of God for your life. Get away from everyone and everything for a period and silence all other voices in your life. You will
hear God speak to you and once you learn his voice, he will show you who you are and why he made you. He will show you why the enemy is against you and how you can walk in victory. Then, you will know who belongs in your life and who doesn't. At that point you will know what voices to keep in your life and which ones to silence. Take the time and do it! What in this world could be more important to find, than the Word God has spoken over your life?
The way I understand Doug01's post is that I need to quiet ALL of the negative voices in my life, including my own voice when it is negative and listen for the word that God has spoken for my life. Unfortunately, I have not been able to accoumplish quieting my own darn voices of pessimism and untruth. Any insight or guidance from you Amy or you Doug would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Quote: The way I understand Doug01's post is that I need to quiet ALL of the negative voices in my life, including my own voice when it is negative and listen for the word that God has spoken for my life. Unfortunately, I have not been able to accoumplish quieting my own darn voices of pessimism and untruth. Any insight or guidance from you Amy or you Doug would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Okay, the first thing you have to understand here is that you will NEVER quiet the voice of the enemy whose sole purpose is to keep you from finding out who Christ says you are. That voice will never shut up. BUT you can cease to be affected by it. Eventually it'll be like flicking a mosquito away when it buzzes in your ear. Finding out who you are according to your Creator is the key.
That being said, often it is we ourselves that are our own WORST enemy. We develop negative thought patterns about ourselves, our confidence is all but destroyed...we feel like nothing and therefore we act like "nothing" and let people treat us like "nothing"..... The best anti-depressant in the world IMO, is finding out how much you mean to God, what He did for you and the plans He has for you when you are ready to receive them....
Gods child for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the WORD OF GOD which liveth and abideth FOREVER ...1 Peter 1:23
Forgiven of ALL my sins and washed in the Blood ........... Ephesians 1:7; Hebrews 9:14; Colossians 1:14; 1 John 2:12; 1:9
A new Creature............ 2 Corinthians 5:17
Delivered from the power of darkness and translated into God's Kingdom.....Colossians 1:13
Redeemed from the curse of the law ....1 Peter 1:18; 19; Galatians 3:13
Blessed (empowered to succeed).....Deut. 28:1-14; Gal. 3:9
A Saint ... Romans 1:7; 1 Corinthians 1:2; Philippians 1:1
The head and not the tail ......... Deuteronomy 28:13
Above and not beneath ............. Deutoronomy 28:13
Holy and without blame before Him.... 1 Peter 1:16; Ephesians 1:4
Victorious................... Revelations 21:7
Set Free ...................... John 8:31-33
Strong in the Lord .......... Ephesians 6:10
Dead to sin ..............omans 6:2;11; 1 Peter 2:24
More than a conqueror ............... Romans 8:37
Complete in Him ................... Colossians 2:10
Free from condemnation .............. Romans 1:8
Reconciled to God ......... 2 Corinthians 5:18
Firmly rooted, built up, established in my faith and overflowing with gratitude.........Colossians 2:7.
I gave you the above list so you could have the scripture references to look them up yourself. Don't just try to believe its true because it sounds good and profitable. LOOK IT UP for yourself and let in sink into your spirit. The Spirit will make you KNOW that it is true.
Then you fight from a position of authority. Expecting to win.
Thank you, Amy, from your kindness comes a LOT to chew on and digest. I have my life's work cut out for me, don't I? Thank you again, my Angel. YOU are a Godsend.
I will keep journaling. Chime in when you see fit.
Today my W popped her head in my office as I was on the phone with Vernetta. I told her that I was on the phone and she left. I called her back an hour later when I had finished my session with Vernetta and my wife said, "Were you were on the phone THAT long? Who were you talking to?" I responded, "yes," and "I was on the phone with Vernetta."
Here is my dilemma. I have this STRONG pull to call my W and tell her who Vernetta is, but I know that would be the absolute wrong thing to do.
Any thoughts?
BTW, I'll posts more of Vernetta's pearls of wisdom and guidance later.
Hmmm. It would have been so much easier if you had told her that you were speaking to a marriage counselor instead of "Vernetta." Not qualifying it makes it sound like ti could be a new "OW."
If you can have a decent conversation with her I would come to her and tell her that you have been trying to understand all that went wrong with your relationship and contacted a marraige counselor and THAt is why you were on the phone so long.
Thanks for reading.