Angelic Amy, I missed you and your counsel. I am so happy you have found the time and energy to grace me with your wise advice. Thank you.
Quote: I will assume that the woman does indeed love you and has been hurt and her ugly behavior lately comes from that pain.
I wish I knew your assumption were true. Time will tell. All people in my life who care about me tell me time and patience will allow our R to mend.
Quote: Pick a night during the week that you will have the children. Stick to it. This will be hard if she is inclined to call you to take them more or to come over. You will need to tell her no.
I am reading CoDependent No More. It's interesting. I see me throughout. It seems I was trying to love and do enough for her to get love back. My mistake. Doh.
Quote: 2) Take the kids every other weekend. ONLY. Be it Friday evening til Sunday evening or Saturday morning til Sunday afternoon. Pick the times and stick with them. She whines about being tired on Fridays after a long work week? Tough crap! Join the rest of the population of mothers, lady. Every OTHER weekend you'll get your break, just like all the other single moms, which is what you are choosing to be. I'm tired every Friday too and don't get the night off nor did I EVER seek to. Again, keep in mind this will be hard because of course you want to be with the kids. But it is not about that, it is about making her face reality. And the sooner the better. It is my opinion that you need to assume the same visitation that other fathers get (we're not talking about "fair" here we are talking about what REALLY HAPPENS in MOST divorce cases).
Funny, this past weekend she was telling me that she was upset because I changed my visitation days with the children from T/Th/F and every other weekend from F-Sun. I changed it to M/TH and every other weekend only NOT every Fri. She was pissed because she didn't get every Fri to go out and have "me" time. My mother said the same thing you did, "me" time doesn't exist when you have children, especially when you're a single mom. Honestly, I think it cuts into her dating time. I told her, are you aware that since we separated you have had EVERY Friday night off? I am only telling you that I want the weekend OFF time to be more equitable. She told me she didn't realize it. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight! She thought about the changes in the schedule long and hard before she brought it up to me.
Quote: 3) The weekends you don't have the kids are YOUR weekends. Get a life and extricate yourself from hers. After all that's what she wants, right? Now to a certain extent, because of the history, yes, you want her to know there are no women in your life. You will have to find a way to do that. I managed to do it by talking to my D10 late on the nights she was with her Dad, and always from the home phone - not my cell - which was in direct contrast to the 8pm calls from my cell in the past after which she did not talk to me again until the following day.
All makes sense. I will be getting my own place at the end of June then I can duplicate your recipe. I do have a big problem of being seriously codependent and being willing to help her with anything when called upon. I am working on saying NO. No is a complete sentence.
Quote: 4) Detach. Go dark. She has chosen separation. Now separate. I know this is not easy but lets suppose for the moment that absence does make the heart grow fonder.... well then be absent. You see each other at work everyday. That's enough unless you are picking up the kids for a scheduled visit.
That is enough. Again, my problem is being so darn codependent. She is starting a loan signing business and often calls me to, "See if I want to spend time with the kids." Is it just me or is that a guilt trip wrapped up in our children? A common tactic. To make matters worse, often these signings are thinly veiled reasons to be out on dates. I have quit wondering and asking questions. She's gotta do what she's gotta do. Gotta get this out of her system if we are going to have a chance to reconcile. *shrug*
Quote: 5) In case you are doing so, or would be inclined to, don't go over there doing all the yard work, either. My H did that when we separated the first time. I did not appreciate his efforts as I should have. Nope. Not until I found myself pushing an acre of land on a three wheeled lawnmower LAST summer. THAT made me set up and take notice!
LONG story about this last weekend. First, I was invited to celebrate Mother's Day with my W, our children, and her family. Then, on Fri, I believe my W figured out that 100% of my pay was no longer going into the family account. She then told me I owe her the child support payment + $$$ I spent from our account when I had our children with me. I, of course, said I was not going to pay that back since I was putting 100% of my pay in the family checking account since mid-Feb. She relented on that point.
On Saturday, she UNinvited me from a friend's D'd bday. I let that go, not wanting to cause a stink. I asked her if she would object to my taking our D to church the next day and she said she would. Again, I let it go. On Sunday (Mother's Day) I went to church early and when I came out she had called me. I called back and she asked me if I would come over and be with our children b/c she wanted to go back to bed and do some stuff on Mother's Day that she wouldn't be able to do unless I helped with the children. Being Mother's Day, I granted her request.
It was a fun day with some exceptions. She was telling me how having our children 24/7 is tiring. I told her, I will have my own place soon and I will be more that happy to have our children 50% of the time. She could not backpedal fast enough. She also REinvited me to brunch for Mother's Day, and I told her I was reluctant to say yes and wanted to know if she was going to change her mind again in 15 min.
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Listen, it's harsh and it's a fine line you have to straddle to avoid being called an "arrogant ass" or a "pw shell of a man". You can find it and you CAN straddle it. It is what will make her respect you again. Your very presence has to command it, in humility.
Again though, this is all just my opinion.
Oh! and obviously, leave it ALL at the foot of the cross at the end of the day. Your Redeemer LIVES and cares and wants your marriage restored just as much as you do.
