Last night was a beautiful night with my children. Then, my W came home late (again) with out calling. When she came home I just grabbed my stuff and was heading out the door but made the mistake of stopping and asking her why she didn't show me the common courtesy of calling me to tell me she was OK and just running late. I actually know why. She was on ANOTHER date and couldn't extricate herself from her date.
I had recently told her, if you are ever late getting back and don't show me the respect of at least calling me so I know you are OK, I will pack up our children and none of us will be here when you get home. I decided that my childrens' sleep was more important than meking a point about disrespect to my W. Regardless, right now she is in selfish, egocentric mode so everything falls on deaf ears. I could have let it all slide. Oh well, hindsight....
I told her, I know you are out dating. That is your right. I don't ask you what you are up to because you have told me that your private time is your private time. I don't need the details anyway. All I ask is that you stay safe and don't endanger our children doing what your are doing. By the same token, please stop accusing me of having a GF, hickeys, etc. and stop asking me about my what I am doing.
Yesterday, while I was out golfing, my W comes into my work (her mother's office) and tells the office staff about her dating and picking up "the pill". She does this because she knows the "good news" will make it STRAIGHT to me and be hurtful. Based on what I am hearing, she is acting like a tramp. Of course I was hurt, she's the mother of my children, but I am more philosophical now. I can't change her. Her behavior has to run its course. I don't have to react to her nastiness. I am able to think, feel, and respond reasonably so I will be proud of my actions in the future. She seems to be trying to hurt me to get me to quit a job that she knows I love. I won't. I will only work to steel myself against her onslaught of emotional hurts. I am strong. I've been hurt worse when I was weaker. But now I am STRONG!
What guides me right now is behaving in a manner that makes ME proud so that I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud, stand tall, and be satisfied that I did everything I could do to make amends to my W, to reconcile, to act in honorable, respectful, loving way in dealing with this rough time in my life. My pastor recently said, "The measure of a man is how he behaves during his lowest times." I hope I am measuring up well in this darkness.
I have been leaning on my friend B a great deal. He is always encouraging, uplifting, fun, funny, and non-jusdgemental. I have also been leaning on my friend G, who has be supportive, encouraging, willing to ask me to go to ballgames, come over to his house and hang out, and go fishing. I am blessed.
I have found so many people that I thought were acquaintances, turn out to be actual, caring, genuine friends willing to help me through my time of need.
I have ALWAYS isolated myself from having fun with friends/acquaintances because EVERYTHING was always about making my W's life easier so that she would be: less stressed; less tired; less angry with me; able to go out with her friends.
I lost myself somewhere along the way. That is how I helped create the slippery slope on which I built my M. THAT is how I started my downward spiral which allowed me to stray. It's strange to see my M sos clearly now, in retrospect.
I am slowly crawling out of the abyss that have I created for myself. I can still love my W from a distance, but keep a clear picture of where we seem to be headed. I am better able to say "NO" to here frequent requests to do things for her that she is fully capable of doing. She does not want me as her husband, so I have quit running to her when she whistles.
Today was a good day. I was able to tell her "NO" twice for things that she needed to handle as the single woman she says she is. That is new behavior for me. I am sure it is new for her being on the receiving end of my NO. Now of course, I would always take care of any health and safety issues and I would always take care of my children, if she truly were incapable.
The problem I was running into is that she would often wrap my childrens' needs around her need because she was too lazy to take care of the need herself and she knows (or knew) that I would take care of my childrens' needs. She never had to do for herself while we were together, if she chose not to. Actually, I created that problem because I would always go out of my way to serve her in whatever way she desired. I would work all week, come home and she would say, "I need to relax. I need to go out with my friends." And I, of course would stay with our children. I would also wake up with our children on the weekends, make them breakfast and keep them quiet until my W would wake at noon or 1:00 PM. My willingness to do for her was RARELY appreciated. She RARELY thanked me. Strange thing, she has apologized to me more, been more appreciative, and thanked me more in the past 3 months than in the entire 7+ years preceding our current separation. That would be nice if it weren't accompanied by her cool, aloof, deliberately hurtful inconsiderate behavior during the same time. UGH!
But I am strong. I will act AS IF. I won't let her behavior bother me outwardly. As Doug01 said, I will shut out the voices of negativity. I will listen to the Voice of Truth. I will pray to the Lord, heal from within and with the help you all of you I succeed. There is no success without hardship. -Sophocles My W has no idea how strong and determined I am. I will DB our current path. I will win for: God, me, my W, and our children.
In the movie "Tombstone," Doc Holiday said to Wyatt Earp, "I stand corrected, Wyatt, you're an OAK!" Well, I am an OAK. I will stand firm. I will stand tall.
Great quotes on attitude:
What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him. -Lous L. Mann
Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that derermines our success or failure. - Norman Vincent Peale
Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare
Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. -John Wooden
In closing, today was a good day. It started out bad, but I decided to make my different by saying, "Life happens." I decided to make the best of what IS. Tomorrow I will take the steps to improve MY life. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and I will still be a strong, caring, capable man. I am surviving. Soon I will thrive.
NEWS FLASH: My W just told me that I was DIS-invited to spend Mother's Day with her and our children. Makes me sad, but NOT unexpected. Oh, well.
In my last post I stated that I did not jump when my W said to jump tonight and I think it really pissed her off. When I called this evening to tell my lovely D goodnight, I could hear my S sniping at our D to keep eating and to get off the phone. I call my D every morning before school to say good morning, tell her I love her and to tell her to have a wonderful day. I also call her every evening to tell her I love her, to find out about her day and to tell her to have sweet dreams. It seems to make my W bristle.
Anyway, I was informed today that I was UNinvited to celebrate Mother's Day with my W, our children, and my MIL and the rest of my W's family. I was sad, but said OK.
My wife also mentioned that our D was going to a birthday party on Sat. I asked if the party was for our friends' D's party and it was. I asked my wife (since she receives the invitations at the house and she had made no previous mention of it to me) if she had decided that I was NOT invited. She went silent for a moment and then asked me if I would have wanted to go. (She is acting so awfully towards me, I sometimes struggle to pe patient and kind, but I force myself to be a good man.) I said yes, you know I am very fond of that family. She then asked me to come early to te house to help her out b/c she had double booked herself. I said sure.
I asked her if there was a reason that I was suddenly UNinvited to the Mother's Day affair (no pun intended) OR if she just wanted to leave it as "she just changed her mind." She said she thought it best to leave it as se changed her mind. I said OK. THEN, my wheels started spinning and I was thinking all kinds of thoughts b/c I know she is out dating. I was finally able to calm those thoughts b/c I reminded mysself I have NO control over her actions. I just decided that, OK, she just changed her mind. She's probably just mad at me and I can live with that. I don't need to do any crazymaking in my head. With regard to her behavior, what I don't know, for the most part, won't hurt me. Plus, I am really good at makkng up worst case scenario things in my head. So I try to just say STOP! Allowing crazy thoughts to rattle around in my head is the worst thing I can do to myself. My life is crazy enough and I don't want to give my W any more power over my emotions than she already has.
Later, she left me a message tonight that I owe her some $$$ b/c she paid my credit card bill. I tried to call her back, but no answer. Again, my wheels started spinning and I was thinking all kinds of thoughts again. What is she doing? With whom? I was again able to get ahold of my mind and quell any not-so-smart thoughts of going over there late this evening and/or EARLY tomorrow morning. Nope, I be there at noon like she asked. I have been very successful in not going down cheeseless tunnels so I don't end up looking like and feeling like a dumb a$$.
Well, this sight and DB + DR have helped me immensely to douse the flames that flare up when I am want to control a situation, and I'v wanted to control this situation more than I can ever tell you. I have been able to save face in the wake of my A by behaving like a rational, civilized gentleman NOT a lunatic. Sometimes, my old self is dying to come out and react forcefully (destructively), but I keep that ogre in check. I am actually amazed at the restraint I have whown in dealing with the my W's behavior in the wake of my A. I am quite impressed with me.
I always remind myself that I owe my W patience, love, kindness, respect and honesty. That helps me keep me in check. I know that I am DBing by NOT getting my W out of her slow walk to a D and into a full sprint. In other words, right now I am DBing by not exhaserbating the situon in our already fragile M. I know I can make everything much worse in a heartbeat. One more thing that helps me to STOP my crazymaking is to remind myslef that I am NOT the center of my W's universe. What is making upset is likely NOT me. Hmmm...fancy that.
In closing, thank you all for being the support I need. Being able to come on here and vent plus being able to read responses is very soothing and nurturing to my psyche and my PMA. Having the ability to vent here diminishes my need to vent to my W and my friend/family. My family/friends are tired of listening to me. And I am tired of the fact that the payment required for me to get their support is that I must to listen to their UN-PRO-marriage talk. They mean well. I just keep in mind that they are not married to my S and they are not going to be getting THIS divorce, I am. And, if I follow their well-meaning advice I will make the D I don't want a reality. Again, TY Goodnight.
LET THE ONE-WAY PISSING CONTEST BEGIN! I know I started this fiasco, and I have worked tirelessly to keep us in a holding pattern. My backsliding has been minimal. Unfortunatley, my wife isn't backsliding. She'd have to turn around to do that. Her purposely hurtful behavior I'll call FRONTsliding or going the direction she is intending. I know, I know. I am the one who opened up this can of worms (rattlesnakes?) on my M and S. I am looking to the DB community for continuring comments of support and direction.
On my last post I stated that I was UNinvited to a Mother's Day activity with my W and her family. I was also UNinvited from our friends' D's Bday party, then re-invited, and now UNinvited again. The good news is that this vascillating just began yesterday at the 3 month mark of our separation. It could have been much worse up 'til now, right?
Anyway, I am hurt, but philosophical at this point. I often sense that my S is pissed that I won't take the bait and have it our with her. Instead, I have just been agreeable, helpful, gently assertive and a FANTASTICfather. I know that when she is in her most irrational mind she wishes I was a deadbeat, terrible father. Thankfully, those thoughts don't last long b/c when she is in her right mind I KNOW that she confesses that she and our children are lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, caring, doting father. OK, back to the story, got sidetracked patting myself on the back.
I have honored her request for me not to attend the party and have called the little one to wish the little one a happy Bday. My W has a right to call the shots in her life and, though that does affect me,it is her right nonetheless. I don't want to make matters any worse than they already are by being jerky.
As I previously stated, the only thing I can do for my sitch is DB at this point and THAT, to me, means DO NOT turn her slow walk to a D into a full-scale sprint. I am exercising patience I never new I had. I am counting on the old adage, "Time heals all wounds." Most of my friends/family are tired of listening to my sitch b/c I won't just give up on my W and M and move on. =p I am unwilling to do that b/c my W is MY W and my M is MY M, and no one else's (but my W's, of course).
Many in my life think I am being stubborn, delusional and stupid. Perhaps. I like to think of me as the Hopeful_Husband. In the past couple of days I have whittled down the # of peeps that I am willing to burden with my saga. I don't want to see/hear/feel others' disappointment and disapproval with my chosen path to DB my marriage.
I remind myself that both my S and I deserve patience, kindness, love, honesty and respect. And, since right now my W cannot reciprocate, I will give those things to her and to myself. I will affirm what I see as the best possible outcome and I will affirm that daily. I will WILL that outcome to be true.
My achievement will be the attainment of a fulfilling, loving marriage.
You make up your mind before you start that sacfifice is part of the package. -Richard M. DeVos (achievement)
I am sacrificing my own impatient, judgemental ways. Every day I work to live my life a little bit getter than the day before. I am not trying to be perfect. I am striving to improve daily. I stay in the process. I practice because with practice comes mastery of a new skill. I am persistent. I acknowledge my progress. Failure is NOT an option. I congratulate myself for how far I have come. I don't chastise myself for how far I still have to go.
I focus on my goal. To save my M and preserve my family structure. I also know, that despite my best efforts to attone for my A, my W has the ultimate vote. But, I don't fear failure. As Claude M. Bristol said:
To win...you've got to stay in the game. I am staying in the game.
Also, I believe:
The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe tht it is possible. -Richard M. De Vos I believe in miracles and I believe my M will survive.
Well, that's it for me for now. As you can see I love inspirational quotes. They help me to keep on keepin' on. STRENGTH AND HONOR! i keep in mind to Never Quit!
This weekend's shenanigans began on Friday evening when my W told me that I owe her $$$ for weekend debits from our joint checking account. To bring you up to date, we have been separated since Feb 11 and ALL of my pay has gone to the house to support my family. I told my W that my last paycheck was going to be the last one going in and I would pay her what we had agreed upon for child support.
My feeling is that the reality of the $$$ situation hit home with her and she started lashing out. Again, that was only the beginning. She also told me that I was UNinvited to her Mother's Day gathering and a couple friends' D's Bday party. Hmmm. I only said OK. I was hurt, but philosophical. I couldn't change that stuff unless I wanted to react in a very unDB-like way, which I didn't want to do. No backsliding for me, if I can help it.
Last night I asked her if I could take our children to church with me and she said NO. I told her again, I will abide by your wishes. Made me sad tho. Fast forward to the end of the 8:30 service. I checked my cell phone and she called. I called her back quickly (it is Mother's Day's afterall). She asked me to come over and help her with the kids because she was spent.
We talked more when I got there about my previous need to change times with our children. My W also told me that I had invited myself to those two gatherings that she UNinvited me from. I exsplained that SHE invited me and she could have just as easily told me upfront that she didn't want to invite me. She was talking to me like I was being a selfish, bad father because I told her I would do Friday evenings with our children on the weekends they were to be with me. The reason for my need to change was that my church had a recovery group on Fri eves. that has since been changed to Sun eves. Anyway, my W was telling me how hard it is to be with our children all week and NOT get EVERY Friday free. I explained that since we separated that I had only every other Saturday free and that is it. Funny thing is I know she thought about this all a LONG time before she decided to talk to me about it and never came up with the reality of what our previous arrangement was and WHO benefited in what ways.
Since she sounded whiny, I told her that as soon as I have a place of my own later this month, I'll be happy to have the children 1/2 of the time. She couldn't backpedal fast enough which illustrated to me that her need to "talk" to me was really to complain. This need to talk came aafter UNinviting me to two events.
Now mind you, I did cheat on her. I will forever by sorry and sad about that. She is holding to NO reconciliation stance. I don't fault her, she has a right to behave in this manner. I simply don't want to listen to her try to paint me as unreasonable in our separation/divorce process. I am not. I want reconciliation. She does not. I am not being unreasonable. On the contrary, I have been exceedingly patient, kind, and caring in dealing with a process I DO NOT want. Ooops, I am sounding whiny. I don't want a D!!! Well, we mostly got our views aired regarding the care of our children. We will need to finalize it soon. On a brighter note, my W RE-invited me to her Mother's Day brunch, to which I responded jokingly, "Are you going to change your mind again in 15 min?" It's funny, but humor seems to help her to see herself clearly when she is being unreasonable. When humor is not involved, she is defensive and blind to her actions.
All right HH, I am going to dive right in and address some issues in your sitch that stand out to me. I am ignoring what you have previously said about her possibly having been "looking for a reason" to divorce. I will assume that the woman does indeed love you and has been hurt and her ugly behavior lately comes from that pain.
In my honest opinion:
1) Pick a night during the week that you will have the children. Stick to it. This will be hard if she is inclined to call you to take them more or to come over. You will need to tell her no. Again, this is my opinion. Obviously concessions will be made for special events and holidays.
2) Take the kids every other weekend. ONLY. Be it Friday evening til Sunday evening or Saturday morning til Sunday afternoon. Pick the times and stick with them. She whines about being tired on Fridays after a long work week? Tough crap! Join the rest of the population of mothers, lady. Every OTHER weekend you'll get your break, just like all the other single moms, which is what you are choosing to be. I'm tired every Friday too and don't get the night off nor did I EVER seek to. Again, keep in mind this will be hard because of course you want to be with the kids. But it is not about that, it is about making her face reality. And the sooner the better. It is my opinion that you need to assume the same visitation that other fathers get (we're not talking about "fair" here we are talking about what REALLY HAPPENS in MOST divorce cases).
3) The weekends you don't have the kids are YOUR weekends. Get a life and extricate yourself from hers. After all that's what she wants, right? Now to a certain extent, because of the history, yes, you want her to know there are no women in your life. You will have to find a way to do that. I managed to do it by talking to my D10 late on the nights she was with her Dad, and always from the home phone - not my cell - which was in direct contrast to the 8pm calls from my cell in the past after which she did not talk to me again until the following day.
4) Detach. Go dark. She has chosen separation. Now separate. I know this is not easy but lets suppose for the moment that absence does make the heart grow fonder....well then be absent. You see each other at work everyday. That's enough unless you are picking up the kids for a scheduled visit.
5) In case you are doing so, or would be inclined to, don't go over there doing all the yard work, either. My H did that when we separated the first time. I did not appreciate his efforts as I should have. Nope. Not until I found myself pushing an acre of land on a three wheeled lawnmower LAST summer. THAT made me set up and take notice!
Listen, it's harsh and it's a fine line you have to straddle to avoid being called an "arrogant ass" or a "pw shell of a man". You can find it and you CAN straddle it. It is what will make her respect you again. Your very presence has to command it, in humility.
Again though, this is all just my opinion.
Oh! and obviously, leave it ALL at the foot of the cross at the end of the day. Your Redeemer LIVES and cares and wants your marriage restored just as much as you do.
Angelic Amy, I missed you and your counsel. I am so happy you have found the time and energy to grace me with your wise advice. Thank you.
Quote: I will assume that the woman does indeed love you and has been hurt and her ugly behavior lately comes from that pain.
I wish I knew your assumption were true. Time will tell. All people in my life who care about me tell me time and patience will allow our R to mend.
Quote: Pick a night during the week that you will have the children. Stick to it. This will be hard if she is inclined to call you to take them more or to come over. You will need to tell her no.
I am reading CoDependent No More. It's interesting. I see me throughout. It seems I was trying to love and do enough for her to get love back. My mistake. Doh.
Quote: 2) Take the kids every other weekend. ONLY. Be it Friday evening til Sunday evening or Saturday morning til Sunday afternoon. Pick the times and stick with them. She whines about being tired on Fridays after a long work week? Tough crap! Join the rest of the population of mothers, lady. Every OTHER weekend you'll get your break, just like all the other single moms, which is what you are choosing to be. I'm tired every Friday too and don't get the night off nor did I EVER seek to. Again, keep in mind this will be hard because of course you want to be with the kids. But it is not about that, it is about making her face reality. And the sooner the better. It is my opinion that you need to assume the same visitation that other fathers get (we're not talking about "fair" here we are talking about what REALLY HAPPENS in MOST divorce cases).
Funny, this past weekend she was telling me that she was upset because I changed my visitation days with the children from T/Th/F and every other weekend from F-Sun. I changed it to M/TH and every other weekend only NOT every Fri. She was pissed because she didn't get every Fri to go out and have "me" time. My mother said the same thing you did, "me" time doesn't exist when you have children, especially when you're a single mom. Honestly, I think it cuts into her dating time. I told her, are you aware that since we separated you have had EVERY Friday night off? I am only telling you that I want the weekend OFF time to be more equitable. She told me she didn't realize it. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight! She thought about the changes in the schedule long and hard before she brought it up to me.
Quote: 3) The weekends you don't have the kids are YOUR weekends. Get a life and extricate yourself from hers. After all that's what she wants, right? Now to a certain extent, because of the history, yes, you want her to know there are no women in your life. You will have to find a way to do that. I managed to do it by talking to my D10 late on the nights she was with her Dad, and always from the home phone - not my cell - which was in direct contrast to the 8pm calls from my cell in the past after which she did not talk to me again until the following day.
All makes sense. I will be getting my own place at the end of June then I can duplicate your recipe. I do have a big problem of being seriously codependent and being willing to help her with anything when called upon. I am working on saying NO. No is a complete sentence.
Quote: 4) Detach. Go dark. She has chosen separation. Now separate. I know this is not easy but lets suppose for the moment that absence does make the heart grow fonder.... well then be absent. You see each other at work everyday. That's enough unless you are picking up the kids for a scheduled visit.
That is enough. Again, my problem is being so darn codependent. She is starting a loan signing business and often calls me to, "See if I want to spend time with the kids." Is it just me or is that a guilt trip wrapped up in our children? A common tactic. To make matters worse, often these signings are thinly veiled reasons to be out on dates. I have quit wondering and asking questions. She's gotta do what she's gotta do. Gotta get this out of her system if we are going to have a chance to reconcile. *shrug*
Quote: 5) In case you are doing so, or would be inclined to, don't go over there doing all the yard work, either. My H did that when we separated the first time. I did not appreciate his efforts as I should have. Nope. Not until I found myself pushing an acre of land on a three wheeled lawnmower LAST summer. THAT made me set up and take notice!
LONG story about this last weekend. First, I was invited to celebrate Mother's Day with my W, our children, and her family. Then, on Fri, I believe my W figured out that 100% of my pay was no longer going into the family account. She then told me I owe her the child support payment + $$$ I spent from our account when I had our children with me. I, of course, said I was not going to pay that back since I was putting 100% of my pay in the family checking account since mid-Feb. She relented on that point.
On Saturday, she UNinvited me from a friend's D'd bday. I let that go, not wanting to cause a stink. I asked her if she would object to my taking our D to church the next day and she said she would. Again, I let it go. On Sunday (Mother's Day) I went to church early and when I came out she had called me. I called back and she asked me if I would come over and be with our children b/c she wanted to go back to bed and do some stuff on Mother's Day that she wouldn't be able to do unless I helped with the children. Being Mother's Day, I granted her request.
It was a fun day with some exceptions. She was telling me how having our children 24/7 is tiring. I told her, I will have my own place soon and I will be more that happy to have our children 50% of the time. She could not backpedal fast enough. She also REinvited me to brunch for Mother's Day, and I told her I was reluctant to say yes and wanted to know if she was going to change her mind again in 15 min.
<pause>
Listen, it's harsh and it's a fine line you have to straddle to avoid being called an "arrogant ass" or a "pw shell of a man". You can find it and you CAN straddle it. It is what will make her respect you again. Your very presence has to command it, in humility.
Again though, this is all just my opinion.
Oh! and obviously, leave it ALL at the foot of the cross at the end of the day. Your Redeemer LIVES and cares and wants your marriage restored just as much as you do.
HH, I have been following along your sitch, trying to follow the advice you are getting. I saw yor new thread. I havent posted because I don't have much advice to give, just needing it, like you. Remember your not alone. We share the same battle, have the same goal, to get our S back. Keep the faith, try and be positive. I know some days it is near impossible, can't eat, sleep, think about anything else. Other days seems like normal, before bomb. I pray that we both survive this.
Finishing up my last reply. W showed up home so it was time to go and the darn BB wouldn't let me edit b/c it timed out. So... from the last <pause> I continue.
Quote: Listen, it's harsh and it's a fine line you have to straddle to avoid being called an "arrogant ass" or a "pw shell of a man". You can find it and you CAN straddle it. It is what will make her respect you again. Your very presence has to command it, in humility.
I will work on this. I have spent our M being pitifully codependent. I always did (& do) for my W and she is not capable of expressing her gratitude in a way that I recognize. Something to work on in this mess of a M. But, as I keep saying, there is no better time than the present to work on the solutions for past ills.
I love your way with words. I am so happy you have graced me with your words, wisdom, kindness, frankness, and honesty. I bet you are a joy to know personally.
Quote: Oh! and obviously, leave it ALL at the foot of the cross at the end of the day. Your Redeemer LIVES and cares and wants your marriage restored just as much as you do.
AMEN, Sister! I have been working every day on letting go and letting God. I know that for my M to rebound, reconcile and rebuild it needs God's hand to steer us where we were not able to go on our own.
Quote: Keep the faith, try and be positive. I know some days it is near impossible, can't eat, sleep, think about anything else.
Thank you for joining in on my thread. All support is greatly appreciated. My PMA absolutely depends on knowing that I have brothers and sisters here on earth who are supportive of my fighting the good fight and who are cheering me to keep on keepin' on. I thank you again for being one of the many who allow me to lean on you and who hold me up when my strength and PMA begin to waver.
father. I know that when she is in her most irrational mind she wishes I was a deadbeat, terrible father. Thankfully, those thoughts don't last long b/c when she is in her right mind I KNOW that she confesses that she and our children are lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, caring, doting father. OK, back to the story, got sidetracked patting myself on the back. 
In the past couple of days I have whittled down the # of peeps that I am willing to burden with my saga. I don't want to see/hear/feel others' disappointment and disapproval with my chosen path to DB my marriage.
