Last night was a beautiful night with my children. Then, my W came home late (again) with out calling. When she came home I just grabbed my stuff and was heading out the door but made the mistake of stopping and asking her why she didn't show me the common courtesy of calling me to tell me she was OK and just running late. I actually know why. She was on ANOTHER date and couldn't extricate herself from her date.
I had recently told her, if you are ever late getting back and don't show me the respect of at least calling me so I know you are OK, I will pack up our children and none of us will be here when you get home. I decided that my childrens' sleep was more important than meking a point about disrespect to my W. Regardless, right now she is in selfish, egocentric mode so everything falls on deaf ears. I could have let it all slide. Oh well, hindsight....
I told her, I know you are out dating. That is your right. I don't ask you what you are up to because you have told me that your private time is your private time. I don't need the details anyway. All I ask is that you stay safe and don't endanger our children doing what your are doing. By the same token, please stop accusing me of having a GF, hickeys, etc. and stop asking me about my what I am doing.
Yesterday, while I was out golfing, my W comes into my work (her mother's office) and tells the office staff about her dating and picking up "the pill". She does this because she knows the "good news" will make it STRAIGHT to me and be hurtful. Based on what I am hearing, she is acting like a tramp. Of course I was hurt, she's the mother of my children, but I am more philosophical now. I can't change her. Her behavior has to run its course. I don't have to react to her nastiness. I am able to think, feel, and respond reasonably so I will be proud of my actions in the future. She seems to be trying to hurt me to get me to quit a job that she knows I love. I won't. I will only work to steel myself against her onslaught of emotional hurts. I am strong. I've been hurt worse when I was weaker. But now I am STRONG!
What guides me right now is behaving in a manner that makes ME proud so that I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud, stand tall, and be satisfied that I did everything I could do to make amends to my W, to reconcile, to act in honorable, respectful, loving way in dealing with this rough time in my life. My pastor recently said, "The measure of a man is how he behaves during his lowest times." I hope I am measuring up well in this darkness.
I have been leaning on my friend B a great deal. He is always encouraging, uplifting, fun, funny, and non-jusdgemental. I have also been leaning on my friend G, who has be supportive, encouraging, willing to ask me to go to ballgames, come over to his house and hang out, and go fishing. I am blessed.
I have found so many people that I thought were acquaintances, turn out to be actual, caring, genuine friends willing to help me through my time of need.
I have ALWAYS isolated myself from having fun with friends/acquaintances because EVERYTHING was always about making my W's life easier so that she would be: less stressed; less tired; less angry with me; able to go out with her friends.
I lost myself somewhere along the way. That is how I helped create the slippery slope on which I built my M. THAT is how I started my downward spiral which allowed me to stray. It's strange to see my M sos clearly now, in retrospect.
I am slowly crawling out of the abyss that have I created for myself. I can still love my W from a distance, but keep a clear picture of where we seem to be headed. I am better able to say "NO" to here frequent requests to do things for her that she is fully capable of doing. She does not want me as her husband, so I have quit running to her when she whistles.
Today was a good day. I was able to tell her "NO" twice for things that she needed to handle as the single woman she says she is. That is new behavior for me. I am sure it is new for her being on the receiving end of my NO. Now of course, I would always take care of any health and safety issues and I would always take care of my children, if she truly were incapable.
The problem I was running into is that she would often wrap my childrens' needs around her need because she was too lazy to take care of the need herself and she knows (or knew) that I would take care of my childrens' needs. She never had to do for herself while we were together, if she chose not to. Actually, I created that problem because I would always go out of my way to serve her in whatever way she desired. I would work all week, come home and she would say, "I need to relax. I need to go out with my friends." And I, of course would stay with our children. I would also wake up with our children on the weekends, make them breakfast and keep them quiet until my W would wake at noon or 1:00 PM. My willingness to do for her was RARELY appreciated. She RARELY thanked me. Strange thing, she has apologized to me more, been more appreciative, and thanked me more in the past 3 months than in the entire 7+ years preceding our current separation. That would be nice if it weren't accompanied by her cool, aloof, deliberately hurtful inconsiderate behavior during the same time. UGH!
But I am strong. I will act AS IF. I won't let her behavior bother me outwardly. As Doug01 said, I will shut out the voices of negativity. I will listen to the Voice of Truth. I will pray to the Lord, heal from within and with the help you all of you I succeed. There is no success without hardship. -Sophocles My W has no idea how strong and determined I am. I will DB our current path. I will win for: God, me, my W, and our children.
In the movie "Tombstone," Doc Holiday said to Wyatt Earp, "I stand corrected, Wyatt, you're an OAK!" Well, I am an OAK. I will stand firm. I will stand tall.
Great quotes on attitude:
What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him. -Lous L. Mann
Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that derermines our success or failure. - Norman Vincent Peale
Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare
Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. -John Wooden
In closing, today was a good day. It started out bad, but I decided to make my different by saying, "Life happens." I decided to make the best of what IS. Tomorrow I will take the steps to improve MY life. I know the sun will come up tomorrow and I will still be a strong, caring, capable man. I am surviving. Soon I will thrive.
NEWS FLASH: My W just told me that I was DIS-invited to spend Mother's Day with her and our children. Makes me sad, but NOT unexpected. Oh, well.
