Today, I had good interactions with my W at work. I am puzzled though. Perhaps you will offer me your thoughts. Probably 3-4 months before my W became aware of my A she started addressing me by my first name, rather than pet names that she had always used. It was so unusual that it really jumped out at me. We had always referred to each other with pet names, NOT first names. Maybe she found out about my A before I knew she found out? Dunno.
Anyway, today at work I was walking out to her car to ask her a question and she said, "What's up, Hon?" Hon? I know that she consciously uses (and chooses not to use) pet names. That's why I am thown off by "Hon." I am puzzled by the frequent changes in her demeanor towrds me.
She also called me up shortly thereafter to compliment me on my work. She rarely compliments me on anything, let alone the quality of my work. Again, strange. Nice, but strange. Sad thing is, I do my work VERY well, but when we worked together before she would usually chose to ignore my efforts and the outstanding results. I like the compliments much better. Coming from her, they are especially gratifying.
I am confused by her huge emotional swings from extreme anger to being very nice. Can't make figure out the switching. I assume that she is still trying to come to terms wtih my A and the anger is often the overriding emotion. Because I see the result of the hurt, her anger, this makes my forgiveness of me that much more difficult, as necessary as I know it is fo my wellbeing.
I try not to make too big a deal one way or the other in response to her treatment of me. I just try to take everything at face value, but with her regular swings of emotions and her semi-regular poor treatment of me, I am still VERY confused.
I have been trying to be gently assertive with my W in pointing out that she can make her points with me in a cooperative way rather than an agressive way. Being gently assertive is new for me, as I have always been a huge co-dependent with my W. Being gently assertive has been showing positive results as has working on eliminating my codependence. This has caused me so much headache and heartache throughout our R.
I am seeing everything more clearly now than ever, including my love for my W. I am also seeing more clearly chow my odependence with her had a devastating effect on me and my M. I know I made our problems much worse by not seeing my need to be strong and gently assertive with my S, instead of being weak and codependent.
On a different take, I received a call from my W after she went out to dinner with our friend. She was clearly upset so I commented on her state. She asked me how I knew. I told her, W, we have been together for over 7 years, I know you VERY well and can easily tell when you are upset. We talked a little about her upset and then she changed subjects.
She asked me if I was planning on taking our D out to buy her a Mother's Day gift from the kids. I told her, W you know I am VERY thoughtful when it comes to you and our children, would you agree? She agreed. I told her that I had already picked up a Mother's Day gift and card for our children to give to her, but yes, I was planning on taking our D out on TH evening (my night with our children). What prompted this was our D asking my W for $$$ to buy her mommy a Mother's Day gift. THAT is my shortcoming in NOT communicating my plans with our D. I felt bad. My D is the most thoughtful, loving angel. I love her so. She is perfect.
Fast Forward. My D calls me SCREAMING. I am very concerned right away and get her calmed down enough to get an answer as to what happened to upset her so. My D screams that, "Mommy pulled my hair. I, giving my W the benefit of the doubt as I always do, tell my D, please let me talk to mommy. My D then screams for mommy. My W gets on the phone and settles my fears by telling me that she (my W) removed the hair tie (rubberband) from my D's hair and it pulled her hair on accident. I am once again am rewarded for working to always err on the side of grace when interacting with my S!
My W then asks me to calm my D down. Mind you, I am on the phone and 20 miles away. I am successful in getting her calmed down though, and my D gets into bed to read books with my S. All is settled and peaceful gain. It is at this time of night that I am saddest because I love being with my children to tuck them into bed at night. And that sadness makes me more determined to stay the course of fighting for my M and family.
In closing, I need your guidance. I am going to take my D shopping my S's Mother's Day gift. I am leaning towards getting my W something nice (NOTHING extravagant) from me to honor her on Mother's Day. Given my sitch, should I? Please offer me you "take" on the gift in my sitch. Thank you in advance for your time, thoughts, effort, and energymy dear friends. STRENGTH AND HONOR!
If I were in your shoes I would get her something from the kids and that is it. IMO, a mushy card professing your undying love would not be a good idea. Her first response, if I had to guess, would be "where the hell was all this love when you were screwing the other woman!?"
Thank you Amy. It was only going to be a gift and a Mother's Day card signed with my name only, no "Love, ...." Nothing like that.
I was just thinking of being thoughtful on Mother's Day. That's just me. But, I don't want to throw my DBing efforts under the bus. Had I planned on doing what you indicated, I most certainly would have gotten that reaction from her. Certainly NOT my intention. Thank you for your perspective from the outside looking in, my angel.
So, forget the gift and card regarless of how non-mushy it will be? Damn, I hate what I have created. I've made it exceedingly difficult because I cannot just be my normal self. Oh, well, I blew the holes in the bottom of my boat, I need to make the best of it. Sad.
Amy, any thoughts on the rest of my post and my interactions with my S? Just keep on keepin' on? Probably. I am suffering from sadness and impatience and I know impatience will kill my DBing efforts.
I do regularly inflate my PMA by always keeping in mind:
Quote: God grant the the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.
Get her something from the kids.....if you think NOT getting her something from yourself would cause a negative reaction, then get a simple card. That's my opinion but I may be wrong so standby for other replies.....
I think you are doing wonderful and I see no need to change horses midstream, you know?
Do what you have been doing unless it becomes obvious it is not working or you have reached a dead end.
Best get familiar with patience. You will need a boatload of it. It is imperitive. Get it through your head now that this will be a long haul and you will be better off. I'm serious. I've been where you are now. You are so happy, feeling like your eyes have been opened for the first time in all your adult life. You want to get on with the business of living now that you have all this newfound knowledge and appreciation. WELL STOP RIGHT THERE because getting INTO these predicaments didn't take us NEAR as long as it will take to get out of them. Notice I did not say "to get ourselves" out of them. No, sir. Here's why:
There are lots of wounds that need to heal. We can not heal them all even though we may have caused them. Some are His to bind and we must trust Him to do that.
You know what the best way to kill time is? Get back on these boards and start talking to other people. Help them. Tell them your story so they can find the hope that you have found.
Being on these boards keeps me from crackin' up most days!
I am such a codependent! I am really working hard to deal with the fact that my W is convinced that she needs to D me. Unfortunately (or is it fortunately?), I am not there and my feelings are very fragile. Because of my love for and codependency on my W, every move she makes seriously hurts my self esteem (whether she is doing it on purpose or not). My PMA and my sense that I am doing the right thing in holding on is taking a beating. THEN I look up at the Serinity Prayer on my desk with the line Amy sent to me:
Quote: God grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.
My rocks are here, on this site. When I log in, my spirit is nourished, my courage is bolstered, my fear disipates, and my determination in continuing to persevere in fighting the good fight is affirmed. What a wonderful site this is! What wonderful people it is populated by!!
F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal A friend of mine told me that acronym is appropo for my feelings about my wife right now. I have a lot of fear and tend to mind read, which is never a positive step.
Despite my best efforts, I have a long way to go to STOP reading anything into my interactions with and observations of my W. I continually throm myself under the bus. Not good for my MA.
I read a quote today about goals.
Quote: There is one quality which one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose; the knowledge of what one wants, and the burning desire to possess it.
My definiteness of purpose is to repair my M and preserve my family structure despite my W's reluctance and pessimism. I have a burning desire to be successful in this endeavor. Very few people in my personal life identify with my stamina and determination to still put my W and my family first. I keep STRENGTH AND HONOR! at the forefront of my mind to keep my faith and stay the course.
I offer some quotes that best capture my definition of faith. Perhaps others will benefit from them, as I have:
Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations.- Elton Trueblood
Man knows much more than he understands.- Alfred Adler
Some things have to be believed to be seen.- Ralph Hodgson
Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.- Saint Augustine
Faith is different from proof; the latter is human, the former is a gift from God.- Blaise Pascal
and lastly You don't need an explanation for everything. Recognize that there are such things as miracles- events for which there are no ready explanations. Later knowledge may explain those events quite easily.- Harry Browne
Heck, I feel much better than I did before I started this post. This is how I do my wokr on my PMA. Works for me. I hope this post is helpful to all of you. Thanks.
Sorry about this long response, someone sent the verse below to me and I think you will enjoy it. Don't let the negative voices from the world around you make you feel less about yourself. You don't need these voices right now anyway. Many of us overanalyze our spouses every action/word, your not alone, so don't beat yourself up. Start by loving yourself as God loves you and unload the burden you are placing on your own heart by criticizing yourself.
1Pet. 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
The devil has a campaign against you going on at all times. His objective: To stop you from hearing what God is saying about you. God has spoken a word over your life, but the cares of this life, past experiences, and negative influences will block you from hearing it. You must get into position to hear what God has said about you. The enemy seems to already know because he is usually attacking the very place in your life that God is wanting to use. You must find that word. You must hear what God has said and act on it. You must align yourself with the plan of God for you. The word has already been spoken, and now it needs to be activated! But you must know what it is before you can align yourself with it. That struggle for freedom, that struggle for acceptance, that struggle for fulfillment is your unconscious plight to get that word. But you must know first that God has the word and you need to get closer to him to hear it so you can activate it in your life.
It's not hard to hear God. The hard part is deleting the other voices in your life so that you can hear him clearly. The television, the radio, the soaps, the movies, the boyfriend/girlfriend, the newspaper columns, the stories, the novels, the friends, the family, etc. are all voices! Many times we surround ourselves with people, places, and things before we have learned to hear from God and that is dangerous. You could have people in your life blocking you or voices in your life detouring you. Take some time to find yourself! Not by searching inside of you, but by seeking the will of God for your life. Get away from everyone and everything for a period and silence all other voices in your life. You will hear God speak to you and once you learn his voice, he will show you who you are and why he made you. He will show you why the enemy is against you and how you can walk in victory. Then, you will know who belongs in your life and who doesn't. At that point you will know what voices to keep in your life and which ones to silence. Take the time and do it! What in this world could be more important to find, than the Word God has spoken over your life?
Quote: Many of us overanalyze our spouses every action/word, your not alone, so don't beat yourself up.
I feel alone and hurt when I do this. I break myself down. Thank you for the kind words though. Thank you for reminding me to stop beating myself up for being human.
Quote: Start by loving yourself as God loves you and unload the burden you are placing on your own heart by criticizing yourself.
I am having trouble doing this despite my desire to do so. I am my own worst critic and judge.
Quote: 1Pet. 5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
I feel this. I am searching for God's way to combat this.
Quote: The devil has a campaign against you going on at all times. His objective: To stop you from hearing what God is saying about you.
The devil has excelled in blinding me and clouding my mind.
Quote: God has spoken a word over your life, but the cares of this life, past experiences, and negative influences will block you from hearing it.
They most certainly have blinded and sidetracked me.
Quote: You must get into position to hear what God has said about you. The enemy seems to already know because he is usually attacking the very place in your life that God is wanting to use.
The devil has attacked me and attacked my M and family. I will work tirelessly to find God's word about me. I will win this fight.
Quote: You must find that word. You must hear what God has said and act on it. You must align yourself with the plan of God for you. The word has already been spoken, and now it needs to be activated! But you must know what it is before you can align yourself with it. That struggle for freedom, that struggle for acceptance, that struggle for fulfillment is your unconscious plight to get that word. But you must know first that God has the word and you need to get closer to him to hear it so you can activate it in your life.
Never in my life has someone spoken so powerfully to me regarding God in my life and directed me so clearly on how to achieve the goals I need to live a powerful, honorable Christian life. Thank you. I love what you had to say.
Quote: It's not hard to hear God. The hard part is deleting the other voices in your life so that you can hear him clearly.
I will begin working on this today.
Quote: You could have people in your life blocking you or voices in your life detouring you. Take some time to find yourself! Get away from everyone and everything for a period and silence all other voices in your life. You will hear God speak to you and once you learn his voice, he will show you who you are and why he made you. He will show you why the enemy is against you and how you can walk in victory. Then, you will know who belongs in your life and who doesn't. At that point you will know what voices to keep in your life and which ones to silence. Take the time and do it!
Thank you for your VERY clear insight in how my life needs to proceed and what I can expect from listening to God's word and following God's path. Your kindness, lucidity, and generosity with your time and words are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Quote: Her first response, if I had to guess, would be "where the hell was all this love when you were screwing the other woman!?"
OUCH. I know the pain I am in is my own creation, but D*MN!
Today, I went golfing on a beautiful day in the mid 90's. Golfing and interacting with my friends was just what I needed to keep my mind diverted from my fragile marriage. I will certainly do lots more of that while I am GAL. Great cure for my sorrows and self pity.
The friend I was golfing with, who knows my W, told me that he believes the reason my wife is behaving the way she is towards me is, not so much hurt, as REVENGE! He said it's VEANGANCE you are seeing from her. I hope she gets her revenge work over sooner rather than later. I do know this though, I am stronger and much more resilient than she gives me credit for. I hope that someday she won't feel like..."where the hell was all this love when you were screwing the other woman!? I know, I am the hopeless hopeFUL romantic.
I went shopping with my children tonight for my W's Mother's Day present. 5 year olds pick the funniest stuff. Oh, and BTW Amy, I decided on sticking with a Mother's Day card (& card only) for her from me. Thanks for the advice. Thanks for helping me stay the DB course.
Coming from her, they are especially gratifying.
