Today, I had good interactions with my W at work. I am puzzled though. Perhaps you will offer me your thoughts. Probably 3-4 months before my W became aware of my A she started addressing me by my first name, rather than pet names that she had always used. It was so unusual that it really jumped out at me. We had always referred to each other with pet names, NOT first names. Maybe she found out about my A before I knew she found out? Dunno.
Anyway, today at work I was walking out to her car to ask her a question and she said, "What's up, Hon?" Hon? I know that she consciously uses (and chooses not to use) pet names. That's why I am thown off by "Hon." I am puzzled by the frequent changes in her demeanor towrds me.
She also called me up shortly thereafter to compliment me on my work. She rarely compliments me on anything, let alone the quality of my work. Again, strange. Nice, but strange. Sad thing is, I do my work VERY well, but when we worked together before she would usually chose to ignore my efforts and the outstanding results. I like the compliments much better. Coming from her, they are especially gratifying.
I am confused by her huge emotional swings from extreme anger to being very nice. Can't make figure out the switching. I assume that she is still trying to come to terms wtih my A and the anger is often the overriding emotion. Because I see the result of the hurt, her anger, this makes my forgiveness of me that much more difficult, as necessary as I know it is fo my wellbeing.
I try not to make too big a deal one way or the other in response to her treatment of me. I just try to take everything at face value, but with her regular swings of emotions and her semi-regular poor treatment of me, I am still VERY confused.
I have been trying to be gently assertive with my W in pointing out that she can make her points with me in a cooperative way rather than an agressive way. Being gently assertive is new for me, as I have always been a huge co-dependent with my W. Being gently assertive has been showing positive results as has working on eliminating my codependence. This has caused me so much headache and heartache throughout our R.
I am seeing everything more clearly now than ever, including my love for my W. I am also seeing more clearly chow my odependence with her had a devastating effect on me and my M. I know I made our problems much worse by not seeing my need to be strong and gently assertive with my S, instead of being weak and codependent.
On a different take, I received a call from my W after she went out to dinner with our friend. She was clearly upset so I commented on her state. She asked me how I knew. I told her, W, we have been together for over 7 years, I know you VERY well and can easily tell when you are upset. We talked a little about her upset and then she changed subjects.
She asked me if I was planning on taking our D out to buy her a Mother's Day gift from the kids. I told her, W you know I am VERY thoughtful when it comes to you and our children, would you agree? She agreed. I told her that I had already picked up a Mother's Day gift and card for our children to give to her, but yes, I was planning on taking our D out on TH evening (my night with our children). What prompted this was our D asking my W for $$$ to buy her mommy a Mother's Day gift. THAT is my shortcoming in NOT communicating my plans with our D. I felt bad. My D is the most thoughtful, loving angel. I love her so. She is perfect.
Fast Forward. My D calls me SCREAMING. I am very concerned right away and get her calmed down enough to get an answer as to what happened to upset her so. My D screams that, "Mommy pulled my hair. I, giving my W the benefit of the doubt as I always do, tell my D, please let me talk to mommy. My D then screams for mommy. My W gets on the phone and settles my fears by telling me that she (my W) removed the hair tie (rubberband) from my D's hair and it pulled her hair on accident. I am once again am rewarded for working to always err on the side of grace when interacting with my S!
My W then asks me to calm my D down. Mind you, I am on the phone and 20 miles away. I am successful in getting her calmed down though, and my D gets into bed to read books with my S. All is settled and peaceful gain. It is at this time of night that I am saddest because I love being with my children to tuck them into bed at night. And that sadness makes me more determined to stay the course of fighting for my M and family.
In closing, I need your guidance. I am going to take my D shopping my S's Mother's Day gift. I am leaning towards getting my W something nice (NOTHING extravagant) from me to honor her on Mother's Day. Given my sitch, should I? Please offer me you "take" on the gift in my sitch. Thank you in advance for your time, thoughts, effort, and energymy dear friends. STRENGTH AND HONOR!
Coming from her, they are especially gratifying.
