Tonight I am with my children. Everything was perfect. I love my children so very much. They are perfect angels, both of them.
After I read a book with my D, I was walking by her room with my S in my arms and I said, "I love you, baby, have sweet dreams," and kept on walking. About 5 steps down the hall I hear my D say, "I love you too. You are my joy." I stopped cold. Pleasantly stunned. I asked her what she said and she responded, "I love you. You are my joy." I told her, "Thank you so much, baby. I love you. Have sweet dreams." I cried with my son in my arms. I am still crying tears of joy.
No matter what happens in my M, my children are my greatest gift from God and no one can ever take them from me. Hearing my D profess her love for me really puts my marital problems into proper perspective. My children are who matter most!! NOT me, NOT my M. However, I do desperately want to rebuild my M because I believe that a happy, healthy, nurturing M is the best environment to raise children in.
I do believe I am a hopeless romantic. And, I stopped apologizing for working so hard to hold on to my M and to NOT give up despite the urging of those who care about me. I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE! I don't care if my family and friends don't understand my undying attitude about saving my M and preserving my family structure. I feel like William Wallace in Braveheart, going against ALL odds to fight for what is right! Again, if that makes me a hopeless romantic, then I am proud to be called that. I am fighting for what is right in my head and heart. I love my W. I love my family. I want us to remain intact as a nuclear family; not separated by mistakes and hardened hearts.
I pray every day that God will work His will in my life and that He will open my eyes to see His will. I also pray that if His will is not in keeping with my desires, that He help me to understand that His will is better than my will. You see, since my A, I have decided that I am not the best captain of my ship alone. I have asked the Lord to be my Captain and I will be His first mate. I also have stopped trying to bend God's will to my will. It has never worked for me in the past and I finally figured it out. Too bad I have jeopardized my family and devasted my W to learn this.
Nowadays, my PMA comes from prayer and acceptance. I love the Serenity Prayer. It keeps me balanced and gives me time to breathe and accept the things that I cannot change. I firmly believe that I can DB alone, and with patience, LRT, GAL, loving my S from a distance, kindness, respect and honesty I will prevail in reconciling my M. STRENGTH AND HONOR!
