dmw, TY for visiting my thread of pain. I get a strange level of comfort messaging back and forth with those who walk in my shoes. I don't feel so alone with my scarlet letter. I feel for you too, brother.
Quote: I have not got much help or advice,(thanks GH) but am trying all I can to keep us together.
When this was all newer I began posting and felt the same way you do. GH was helpful to me then, and now also on this thread. I have been keepin' on keepin' on and my next stept is to read more posts for encouragement from others who have been and are in dire marital straits like me. I know I need the encouragement. My spirits are low, and others around me wonder where I get the strength to keep fighting the good fight. I tell them that I cannot think of a better task to expend my efforts on than saving my M and keeping my family intact. If you haven't already done so, post a thread; if you have, I'll look for it. Get DB, but I must agree, there is not as much information or guidance for those of us who have stepped out on our marriage. The one thing I have culled from both books is the need for patience: not our idea of patience. We must keep in mind that our S's are hurt, angry, betrayed, confused, lacking trust in and respect for us for behaving in such a cowardly, dishonorable and despicable way (my feelings).
I had a phone consultation with Vernetta and it was somewhat helpful. First consultation is a lot of information/background gathering. Downside, I can only schedule 2 more sessions and then she will be on a summer sabbatical. Ugh. I may need for sessions and I dread starting over with new information gathering with someone else. Oh, well, I'll get these last two in before she goes. I'll cross the bridge when I get there.
What I did get out of the session is that Vernetta told me that there is a high likelihood that my changing body (aging, MLC perhaps) and my depression (I had a horrible bout with depression before and during my A) helped lead me to the greatest antidepressant in the world, an affair! That A only caused me incomprehensible problems and quite possibly the loss of my S. V explained the physical reactions to an affair (dopamine, endorphins, etc) that kept me going back to "build energy" with someone who was giving me affirmation and adoration. She was reflecting what I wanted to see in me. Plus, in an affair there are no "real" problems.
V also talked about a book, 5 Love Languages, which I will order tonight) and told me that, clearly, one of the love languages I use often is action; doing tasks for my S. My W apparently was utilizing a love language that I was unable to recognize, and thus felt unloved by her for the bulk of our M. I always felt this to be true, but didn't have the information I needed to figure it out for sure. I hope the book sheds some light on my W for me. I also hope it's not too late to repair the damage I have done and that a repaired new M will result from my work on me.
AmyC, you have the most poignant way of pointing out what already know in my head. I love reading your posts. Yes, she did find out in a dramatic way, not that there is a good way to disclose my stupidity.
Quote: So you can add humiliation to the pot of things she feels. UGH.
UGH is right! UGH UGH UGH! And I have the privilege of living with the aftermath of my poor decision, as does she. Pain and anguish all around.
Quote: Okay, so you already know you have to show this guilty complex the way to the door.
I am working on that daily. Hard to do.
Quote: Stand up. TELL her you are sorry and all the reasons why. Tell her what you will be doing differently and then be prepared for the long walk it's going to be to prove yourself.
I have stood up, from day 1, and told her how sorry I am. She is still not receptive to listening to an apology; most likely because she hasn't forgiven me for my horrible transgression. Should I keep apologizing? Most of what I have read tells me that she already knows I am sorry and that to continue telling her only cements her current stance for a D.
Quote: So where do things stand right now? Did you say if she'd seen a lawyer?
She is actively dating several men at the moment and does not care to disquise it from me. We have been to an arbitrator and I expect I will be served with the D papers soon. I am hopeful she will soften in time, but I am not optimistic. I work on me, work on our R when she affords me the opportunity, and I love our children. I feel like I am drowning being away from my family.
Quote: The only thing nagging at me HH, is that it seems like you feel she has always just been looking for a reason to divorce you. As if her heart was never in it in the first place.
According to her, she always gave 110% to our marriage. I told her, if you mean you haven't divorced me yet, that yes, that I can see that. What I saw was (is) someone who (according to a VERY good marriage counselor) has a Madonna complex, meaning when a relationship is new and the butterflies are there, all is right with her. When the relationship matures she grows bored. The counselor tried to tell her she deserved to be loved and in a long, term relationship. My W only felt challenged because the counselor wouldn't just say the I was the problem in the marriage (and not her, of course). Truly what I saw was someone straddling a marriage line, left foot being in and right foot being out and leaning towards out.
Quote: You picking up your dignity is. So how's that working out today?
I am really struggling with stopping doing for her. Tonight is a fantastic example. She was going to play softball with her girlfrind, but it was cancelled. She called to tell me it was cancelled and that she was going to play pool. She went with one of the guys she is dating. Her girlfriend brought her home drunk. Dummy me, I offered to have her friend take me to the bar parking lot to pick up her car so my S could take our daughter in the morning. On the way back to the house I stopped and picked her up some food, at her request. What is wrong wtih me? I just gave her the food and took off. I am mad, sad, and extremely hurt. I know she has the right to do what she wants to do, but I am struggling with asserting my right to stop being her punching bag because I am so sad and feel so terribly guilty. Obviously my dignity needs help, it is in the toilet and I keep flushing it down.
Vernetta said to me today, I need to focus on the last resort technique. I will be settled in my own place this month (been staying with my sis 1/2 hour away) and our finances will be separted. THEN I will be able to be with our children in MY place and not be subjected to her hurtful behavior. Vernetta also said that I should have much less contact (I will when I am settled) and that my contact needs to remain pleasant, positive, upbeat and polite as I am on my way our the door. I need to create a vacuum. Doing all of that will be much easier when I am in my own place. I am struggling with remaining pleasant when I am hurt and leaving. I let my pain show too often. I will remedy that.
SophieL, I cannot thank you enought for giving a voice to my W that may ring true for her and her D talk.
Quote: I constantly threatened my H that I was leaving; but I never meant it. I wanted my H to 'see' me. I often felt invisible in my marriage.
I didn't have the insight to even consider that possibility until you brought it to my attention. As my old neighbor used to say, "No matter how thinly you slice a piece of bread, there are always TWO sides."
Quote: And here is where I also want to apologize if my first post came off as too harsh.
No need. And, I don't attack my wife. I know I hurt her terribly and I own up to that. She has every right to act the way that she is (though I wish she wasn't) and I do my best to not be angry with her right now. It's a struggle, but saving my M and preserving my family is worth the struggle.
Quote: Anyways, have you made some goals for yourself. What are the areas you are working on?
Yes, I have made goals for myself to become again, what I once was, a complete person away from my S. I seem to have lost the ability to nurture myself. Additionally, I have put off learning the guitar too long. I am also joining a gym next week and have been regularly attending church with our children. One of my goals is to begin socializing with men from the church socially to hold myself accountable for honorable and correct behavior all the time. I have been diligently working to be more patient, less judgemental, more outgoing, less pessimistic, hopeful, despite all the naysayers around me.... And of course, reading Michelle's books. 5 Languages of Love will be next up. I have a lot of clay to mold myself into a sculpture worthy of display.
Any positive thoughts and energy you can spare, please send my way for me and my family. Thank you.
does what Sophie says ring true? Could your W have been trying to get your attention instead of control you? Absolutely, as a distinct possibility.
Quote: ...this is a really good thing to understand because it gives you a clue as to her love language(s) and something you may need to address farther down the line.
I am ordering the Love Language book tonight. Sounds like REQUIRED reading for me.
You know, destroying anything takes much less effort and thought than trying to put it all back together. I am so terribly sad and hurt for me and my family. UGH
It seems I have more questions about your sitch than answers...here is one more thing that is bothering me; You wre told by a DB coach to "act mysterious" when your W asks where you are? That seems like it would make sense for me, but for you, don't you need to win back her trust? Isn't being "mysterious" or somehow not telling the whole truth about where you were seem counterproductive? The coach knows YOU cheated on W, right?
I am NOT saying you kiss her a$$ but I don't know why you would want to go out of your way to lie either. Maybe a clarification from you or your coach would set me straight on this (or maybe even Amy, lol).
You can't "act mysterious" when you are the one that cheated! It's only going to make her think you are STILL up to something.
HH, your best strategy is to take the time necessary to get back your self esteem. WHY is YOUR self esteem so damaged by this mistake???? I think there is more to it. I am inclined to tell you what the men on here sometimes tell each other..."GROW A PAIR!"...but I am starting to think you did indeed HAVE a pair which she promptly put in a mason jar and set atop the mantle the day you were married!
HH....YOU screwed up. You're sorry. But she's overboard. HOW DARE SHE THINK that is license for her to treat you like less than the dirt beneath her feet!
Look in the mirror. You lived and you learned. You did it the hard way. A lot of us do. But she is not the judge, the jury, the executioner and she sure is not your God so stop seeking redemption in her eyes. You're on level ground, HH.
You say she has known for 2 and a half months....well that is enough time for the anger to have subsided. She's now just being a....no, I'll tone it down....she's now just being a brat.
LRT. GAL. ...and don't you dare run everytime she whistles. Okay?!
Quote: TY for visiting my thread of pain. I get a strange level of comfort messaging back and forth with those who walk in my shoes. I don't feel so alone with my scarlet letter.
Quote: You were told by a DB coach to "act mysterious" when your W asks where you are?
Mysterious was MY choice of word, as was cagey. I know I need to win back her trust and respect, but nothing I am doing seems to be softening her armor. I know that will happen in HER time, not mine. I know that anything but a straight answer will be counterproductive.
I will try to get clarification from V when we speak next. I do so wish she wasn't leaving on a sabbatical. Perhaps I should start now with someone else who will be here to help me thru my sitch. I don't know. Any thoughts?
Last night was a real kick in the jewels. My nights with our children are T, TH, F, and every other weekend. Right now I need to care for our children at our home because of my currnet living sitch. My W was going to play softball last night, but the softball event was cancelled and she called me to tell me she was going to play pool (translation, go out on a date with one of her many new boyfriends). I said OK and hung up. Her GF brought her back home drunk later. My W called her GF and asked her GF to come and get her. I offered to go and pick up her car from the bar (stupid me) and also picked up food for her on the way back, at her request(again, stupid me). I brought the food and car back and left quickly. Thinking about it more this morning, I could have picked up our children and taken them to my sister's home because she was drunk and in no shape to drive. Hindsight again...grrrr! Next time. I am just documenting events now. Hopefully my documentation won't be needed.
Anway, this morning I spoke with my W about taking our D to a father, daughter dance. She has known about this dance for over 2 weeks. She asked me if I planned on taking our son to the dance and I said no, that it was not a father, daughter, son dance. Her curt response was, "Well I have plans. you'll have to figure something out to do with our son, because it's YOUR weekend. I am not changing my plans." Nothing like putting your need to go out dating ahead of caring for your children. I am talking about ONE evening because of my daughter's dance. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted and am still pretty miffed.
I ended up telling M W my plans with our children this weekend which is to go see my family on Sat and not return until Sun. Her response was, "Fine." I find this curious because she has always been so insistent that she see our son without too much time in between contact because he is almost 9 months old.
I also told her that giving her 100% of my pay to support the household was stopping. I have opened my own checking account and redirected my direct deposit. I will of course contribute to my children, but I am not going to support her fun/dating efforts any more. I need to take care of me, my children and setting up my new home.
All will be much more settled soon. I won't be subjected to her non-attempts at hiding her dating. Also, I will stop my constant "doing for" her. If she wants a D, I will show her what life will be like without the good parts of me. I constantly tell myself, be strong, stay hopeful, keep fighting the good fight.
Quote: your best strategy is to take the time necessary to get back your self esteem.
I am working on re-building my self-esteem every day, but my self esteem is in the toilet with regards to my M. BTW, I do need to "GROW A PAIR!"
Quote: ...but I am starting to think you did indeed HAVE a pair which she promptly put in a mason jar and set atop the mantle the day you were married!
Were you watching my M? LOL. This did happen, but I allowed it.
Quote: YOU screwed up. You're sorry. But she's overboard. HOW DARE SHE THINK that is license for her to treat you like less than the dirt beneath her feet!
You are absolutely right, she is not the judge, the jury, the executioner and she sure is not my God so I do need to stop seeking redemption in her eyes, but in regards to my M, she is all of the above. Plus, I certainly don't feel like I am on level ground. Gettin' there, tho.
No, her anger has not subsided in almost 3 months. She has only become more angry and vindictive. Yes, I do feel she is being a brat at this point, but as I said before, she has told me she wanted a D numerous times in our M previously. It appears I have given her just what she needed to make it all so, so she won't feel guilty because I betrayed HER.
Quote: LRT. GAL. ...and don't you dare run everytime she whistles. Okay?!
I will use the LRT and GAL plus, no I won't run should she ever whistle. Thank you.
...but I am starting to think you did indeed HAVE a pair which she promptly put in a mason jar and set atop the mantle the day you were married!
Thank you.