dmw, TY for visiting my thread of pain. I get a strange level of comfort messaging back and forth with those who walk in my shoes. I don't feel so alone with my scarlet letter. I feel for you too, brother.
Quote: I have not got much help or advice,(thanks GH) but am trying all I can to keep us together.
When this was all newer I began posting and felt the same way you do. GH was helpful to me then, and now also on this thread. I have been keepin' on keepin' on and my next stept is to read more posts for encouragement from others who have been and are in dire marital straits like me. I know I need the encouragement. My spirits are low, and others around me wonder where I get the strength to keep fighting the good fight. I tell them that I cannot think of a better task to expend my efforts on than saving my M and keeping my family intact. If you haven't already done so, post a thread; if you have, I'll look for it. Get DB, but I must agree, there is not as much information or guidance for those of us who have stepped out on our marriage. The one thing I have culled from both books is the need for patience: not our idea of patience. We must keep in mind that our S's are hurt, angry, betrayed, confused, lacking trust in and respect for us for behaving in such a cowardly, dishonorable and despicable way (my feelings).
I had a phone consultation with Vernetta and it was somewhat helpful. First consultation is a lot of information/background gathering. Downside, I can only schedule 2 more sessions and then she will be on a summer sabbatical. Ugh. I may need for sessions and I dread starting over with new information gathering with someone else. Oh, well, I'll get these last two in before she goes. I'll cross the bridge when I get there.
What I did get out of the session is that Vernetta told me that there is a high likelihood that my changing body (aging, MLC perhaps) and my depression (I had a horrible bout with depression before and during my A) helped lead me to the greatest antidepressant in the world, an affair! That A only caused me incomprehensible problems and quite possibly the loss of my S. V explained the physical reactions to an affair (dopamine, endorphins, etc) that kept me going back to "build energy" with someone who was giving me affirmation and adoration. She was reflecting what I wanted to see in me. Plus, in an affair there are no "real" problems.
V also talked about a book, 5 Love Languages, which I will order tonight) and told me that, clearly, one of the love languages I use often is action; doing tasks for my S. My W apparently was utilizing a love language that I was unable to recognize, and thus felt unloved by her for the bulk of our M. I always felt this to be true, but didn't have the information I needed to figure it out for sure. I hope the book sheds some light on my W for me. I also hope it's not too late to repair the damage I have done and that a repaired new M will result from my work on me.
