Quote: ...but it does mean that you have to be open and honest with her.
I know.
However, my W has regularly accused me of having a girlfriend and of having hickeys on my neck. I tell her I do not have a GF and that hickeys would be not be possible on me (no intimate relationships).
Vernetta, during our DB session today, told me to stop denying, engaging, and defending myself from my W's accusations. Vernetta also said that, if my W asked what I was doing when not with her, to be cagey; not forthcoming. Vernetta said it would make her think about who she was giving up. I don't know, perhaps I misunderstood what V was trying to tell me.
I do know that my doing "more of the same" just seems to be digging a deeper hole for me to lose myself and my M in. I know my W expects a direct answer to her direct questions. I am not too certain about being mysterious, plus I know I have caused/earned her lack of trust in and lack of respect for me.
BTW, my wife is out dating several differnt people these days regularly. I have stopped asking any questions because knowing any specifics would just hurt worse. The hardest part is that I do not have my own place yet (staying with my sister a 1/2 hour away) so I must go to the house to see our children on T & TH evenings because I am staying too far away to get them in bed at bedtime, so I am stuck watching her very disrespectful displays of going out on dates when I am in the house with our children and we haven't even filed for D yet. She knows she is not hiding it. She seems to be enjoying rubbing my nose in my inability to do anything about what she is doing. I do believe I will be getting served with D papers in the VERY near future. That makes me so sad.
The good news is that I will be getting my own place soon and separating our finances. The next step is to set the schedule with our children so that it works for ALL of us, including me. The current set up is out of necessity and it's incredibly painful to watch my W act so cavalier about our M and towards me, but every day I am getting stronger. I will stop sending 100% of my pay to the house this next pay period for self preservation and to begin taking care of myself and our children on my own. I am still hopeful that she will soften and take a look at US as a viable life option, and perhaps give us a chance at reconciling. I also know that reconciliation is a three-legged stool: 1. forgiveness- is the easiest part, only takes 1 person; 2. respect- much more difficult, needs to be rebuilt & takes 2 people actively working on it. 3. trust- much more difficult, needs to be rebuilt & takes 2 people actively working on it.
Plus, I can only work on me and she must work on her to save our M. Either one of us failing to step up to do our own portion of the reconciling/rebuilding work is a recipe for disaster/failure not redemption. Additionally, our focus needs to be on solutions, especially in the beginning so that we will have the possibility of getting on stable marital ground.
In closing, I know I screwed up badly. However, despite what my W says, I am NOT 99% of the problem in our marriage. I will, however, readily accept 50% of the blame for making our M as difficult as it has been.
Still, I am hanging on by a thread. I desperately wish to save my M and preserve my family. I am trying to do it alone at this point, but I haven't given up. I have hope, but I am not optimistic. I need any encouragement/cheerleading you all can offer. Please help me.
Despite all of this, clearly we were both in our M with a woefully inadequate set of marital tools to make our M what we both envisioned, wanted and deserved. That all makes me so sad. I feel an incredible amount of guilt for my A and I feel like such a failure. I am fighting this incredibly tough uphill battle for my M and I understand the bulk of that work is on ME not our M. The same is true for repairing my pitiful self esteem. I have spent an incredible amount of time doing the wrong things to improve my M's chances for survival. V told me that my Love Language is doing for my S. V told me to stop doing for my W and see what happens. I am having a hard time saying no and also not doing things for her despite the fact that she has been consistent in saying she wants a D. The sad thing is that I don't know what the hell I am afraid of, she has already made it clear she wants a D and is out dating right under my nose. Ugh.
